Excerpt from Femme Phantasgmagoria, an adaptation of Aristophanes’ Thesmophoriazousai by John H. Starks, Jr., Binghamton University SUNY Dept. of Classical & Near Eastern Studies

French Scene 14

(after final pose at front around Kin, chor returning to stationary positions after search – Kirsten go back to reclaim baby from whatever woman has the baby now at L – being kind of possessive and secretive too, tucking it in next to chest)

Chorus Member (Angela): (salute Chor Lead - NJ) All inspected, sir...maam! No other (suggesting contempt for Kin) men lurking about.

(Kin break free, grab baby quick DL, then U onto altar at UR, women part concerned)

Mika (from DL to DR) Oh my gods. Stop, thief. He just snatched my baby, and right off the tit (Kirsten you were nursing baby and react comic pain and down, covering up quickly, turn U to altar)

Kin: (Evil laugh) Go ahead, lady, scream your head off! Let me go, or the kid gets it, right here, all over this altar.

Mika: (all goes deeply tragic) Women, hearken, sound th'alarm; spare my babe from every harm.

Chorus: Woe is me! Woe is us! Woe R We! Woe R You!(to Kin)

Kin: You ain't seen nothin' yet, ladies.

Chorus: Goddesses two, we pray;  this horrid, noxious, loathsome, vicious, stinky poo poo head man must pay. (different voices on each)

Chor Lead 1 (Val): (to all but gathering Mika and Mania/Kirsten to her) Let's burn the bastard off the altar.

Mika: Firewood, Mania (UL through doorway) We'll torch you good, baby snatcher.

Kin: So, light me. See if I care. (to the baby) You, child, can blame your death on one woman, your mother (blanket off, holding up dressed up wine bottle). What? A baby Bottle? Bubbly with booties? (shake it) Full too. (now almost preaching) Women, wineos all, anything for a drink,  shame, shame, shaaaaamee.

Mika (coming back with wood): Pile it up, Mania. Roast him.

Kinsman: Tell me, (sarcastic) madam, did you give birth to THIS? (present bottle with doll head and clothes, jumping down off altar behind as priest)

Mika: (false confident) All nine months.

Kin: What a labor! (stripping clothes off bottle to reveal completely, but leave head with cork) Quite a brut(e), but not too dry (feeling bottom)! Is it a 2 or 3 year old vintage?

Mika: Something like that. Give her back (pouting)

Kin: (grabbing knife from behind altar, hold to neck of bottle) I'll sacrifice her right here, right now.

Mika: (shaken, weeping) No, anything, spare my only true love.

Kin: No, the goddess demands sacrifice. (pop off head) But you may catch the child's blood in this (hand her a bowl from behind, she snatches it, pour, stop, Mika slurps it) Priestess, you get the hide, right? (toss clothes to Krit/Amber, and boldly from behind altar)

Krit: Poor Mika, your only child, (standing next to her, then take a gulp) Excellent nose, with a hint of plums, dark cherries and spice. Nice finish. (Mika, down R despondent with Mania as women console ).

Kin: (now searching Downstage for escape, thinking) Plan, must have a plan. Euripides, he promised to rescue me. But how? Message...Like in his play Palamedes. I can write the messages on oars and throw them in the sea, then he'll get the message (slowly realizing this is stupid) Oars? I'm up a creek without a paddle. Wait. Message (see audience members with programs, grab 3 or 4). Gimme that, and that. Anybody got a pen? (Take one, writing) "Save me now""Now" "Me" (struggle with spelling)"Save" Now fly my pretties, fly.. (Hee, hee hee) (silence) I'll wait right here then (DL as women form ranks)

French Scene 15 (Parabasis) Helen Reddy I am Woman

Kritylla:  All rise for the Women's Factional Anthem!

I am Woman, you are Man. You don't seem to understand When you say that we're the cause of strife and pain.
If you think we're all so badWhy'd you go and ask our dads For a marriage that you say drives you insane!

Oh yes, I'm a dame, Running households is my game!
At least I can manage funds, you damn men can't say the same!
If I have to, I can weave anything.
I am strong (Chor: Strong)
I am Athenian (Chor: Athenian)
I am woman.

We are tired of your suspicions Of our womanly intentions, every time you leave the house and lock us in!
We can't take it any longer. You just couldn't get it wronger! Women don't screw all of Athens like you men!

Oh yes, I'm a gal, but I am not some femme fatale!
I don't pilfer public funds, unlike some male criminals.
If I have to, I can weave anything.
I am strong (Chor: Strong)
I am Athenian (Chor: Athenian)
I am woman

French Scene 16

Kin: (up and looking through the forest of women) I don't see him anywhere. What's keeping him. He's probably ashamed that his Palamedes was a flop, so he's not answering. Now (thinking) which of his plays would lure him here? I've got it!. I can play the lead in his play Helen. After all, I'm already in costume for that (present dress).

Krit (checking him suspiciously) What are you up to? you'll be in a Hell of Helen's making if you don't settle down till the police get here.

Kin: (showgirl presentation) Barry Manilow Copa Cabana

I'm here in Egypt, along the Ni-al, The yearly flooding here they say, causes people no dismay.
My name is Helen, Helen of Sparta, I caused a lot of death in Troy Krit: Because you humped a pretty boy!
Kin: Where did my husband go? I really need him so.
Krit: Couldn't you have thought of that before,
You stinking whore!

Euripides: (appearing off L) Oh who livest in this fair harbor? What lord rulest over these borders?
I seek refuge, a weary sailor; shipwrecked and battered, I'm so torn and tattered. Tell me kindly, where have I come?

Chor: (like an echo) Egypt, you are in Egypt, Egypt, in Egypt. You are in E-egypt.

Kin: Proteus ruled here, but now his son's king, and sonny wants me for his wife, I think I'd rather take my life.
Krit: You're such a liar, this isn't Egypt. You busted up our ladies' day, and now you're trying to get away.
Eur: (to Kin) Oh lady tell me true, do I perchance know you?
Kin: I feel I have seen you somewhere too, how could that be true?

Eur: Are you Greek maam? You look like Helen. Kin: Are you Menelaos, dear fellow?
Eur: Yes, I am dear, I am your husband; wretched and lonely, I've found you my only. Krit: This is nasty; Don't fall in love.