Femme Phanatasmagoria

French Scene 1


(Eur. enter audience L several steps ahead, with purpose muttering excitedly. Almost there! Turning back to get Kin moving)

Kin: (struggling clutching side tired) Ohmigod, Ohmizeus! You’re killing me man; ploddin’ along since dawn like a damn ox (Eur. been at front a while) Ey! (heaving, bending over) before I cough up a lung, could you puleez tell me where we're going, Euripides (say it with drawn out contempt).

Eur: (succinct) No; (philosophically, talking up) No need to hear what you will see forthwith.

Kin: Heh? Come again? I don't need to hear.. (now you've reached Eur at down R)

Eur: Not what you will see.

Kin: And I don't need to see...

Kin: Not what you will hear.

Kin (shaking head): WHAT? This is heavy Euripides, real deep. Are you saying I shouldn't hear or see?

Eur: (talking down like teacher that's said it a million times) Those are two mutually distinct natural entities.

Kin: What? Not hearing and not seeing?

Euripides: Indubitably.

Kin: How 'distinct' (snooty) are they?

Eur: (pacing in lecture, poetically) Aforetime were they drawn asunder. (mystically, moving into mad scientist mode ) In the beginning, Finest, highest Aether, separated from Earth and begat of his own volition within his very core, living matter: first the eye for sight (accidentally poke Kin in eye with broad gesture as pass him L), as it were the solar orb, and thereafter the ear for hearing, (turn back to grab ear and speak in it too loudly) a funnel tapering inward.

Kin: (clearly yelling from ear damage) So this funnel means I don't hear or see? Damn, what a great lesson, so lessony.

Eur: (tv salespitch) But there's more. Lessons aplenty.

Kin: Great! (very sassy) What natural en-titty can get me out of work with two broke legs.

Eur: (aside to aud as cross left) Dumbass. Come on and listen up.

Kin: But the funnel? (Eur. Stopping to give a glare) OK

Eur: (arm around Kin) See that door (pt up L)?

Kin: (thinks it's a trick question, looking hard) I think I see!

Eur: Shut up and Listen.

Kin: (slowly, still thinks a trick from the lesson) I am shutting up and listening about the door.

Eur: The famous tragic poet, Agathon, lives here.

Kin: Which Agathon, beefy guy, nice tan?

Eur: No, different one. You've never seen him?

Kin: Agathon? Real hairy guy? Beard?

Eur: This Agathon? You don't know him?

Kin: Not that I know of.

Eur: Well, you probably wouldn't recognize him face to face, but I bet you'd know him cheek to cheek in this position (bend over and wiggle butt, Kin thinking hard, YMCA intro begins, both scamper upstage R of science table). Let's hide over here; that's his slave, probably headed to pray for success in the tragic competition.

French Scene 2


Agathon's Slave boy (wearing hotpant shorts, and several pieces of the Village people attire)
(To YMCA http://www.eadcentral.com/go/1/1/0/http://www.geocities.com/EnchantedForest/Glade/1881/p-z.html)

Silence! Holy Muses at labor here.
Silence! Tragic songs that are never clear.
Silence! Airy Aether, SHH!: stormy sea cease to sound your thunder (Kin sing BULLSHIT! very loud here, Eur. hit him and signal silence)

Silence! Feathered birdies, no melodies .
Silence! Agathon's crafting tragedies.
Silence! Master's always prepared to get KINSMAN BREAKS IN -  jumped and humped ....    

Slave (say this during last beats before the bridge) Hey,Who's that? KIN (airily spoken during 5 beats in the bridge): AIRY AETHER

Slave: My master's writing a brand new Greek play / he's busy twisting words in brand new Greek way-hays!
He shapes phrases like wax, he can forge words in steel, he can KIN: BLOW ME. What is your Deal?

(Kin imitating moves grotesquely, Eur. loses grip on him, Kin D R of Slave)

(Eur. head toward band or music technician and get the music stopped on cue)

Kin: I got a shape that your master can wax/
My rod of steel needs release from my sla-ahcks.
You’ve got everything, macho men would enjoy, (music has stopped) I can hang out with all you boys.

Slave: (attitude, hands on hips to L) Uh-uh, I don’t think so. (very effeminately) You need to get in touch with your manhood – on second thought, you might want to give it a rest (sashaying away L to do sacrifice, Kin lunging toward him).

Eur: (returning down Center from pulling plug, between Kin and Slave) Ignore him. Summon Agathon anon!

Serv: (retreating in tragic mode) Fear not! Milord shall egress presently to mold his melodies under pallid hibernal sunlight (off L, overacting).


French Scene 3

Eur. (X Right overdramatic, distraught) O Zeus, what thinkst thou to visit upon me, this day?

Kin: (moving to him) What is with you? Don’t hide the truth from me, we’re close kin, practically twins.

Eur: Big trouble! The case: shall Euripides live or die?

Kin: (reassuring arm around shoulder) No courts or assemblies today! It’s our favorite federal feministic festival: the Thesmophoria.

Eur: (x back to Left toward front row of audience, paranoid, hush-hush) That’s just it. The women are plotting against me; they’re going to caucus at the festival and vote for my destruction.

Kin: Why?

Eur: (coy turning away to L, still looking around) Because I trash them in my tragedies. (looking for sympathy)

Kin: (indignantly) Well, then you damn well deserve whatever you get, abusing helpless wom…(Eur glaring at him) Oh, so whatcha gonna do?

Eur: Get Agathon to attend the women’s assembly to speak up for me.

Kin: Is he a member?

Eur: (roll eyes) No, stupid, dressed as a woman.

Kin: That’s pretty good, so you; what a bunch of plotting schemers you tragic writers are.

(Doors opened L)

Eur: Here he comes (Agathon being brought out on piano rolled by two guys, one looking like Elton John, other like Liberace if possible – boas, rings, big glasses – arrange piano with board to stage L so Agathon can play and sing out, servant boy bring out his litter/piano bench - Eur and Kin D R to observe)

Kin: He who?

Eur: What? The man lounging there.

Kin: Where? I don’t see no man, just some bleached out whore.

(Ag comic warm-ups)

Eur: (excited) Oh, he’s about to sing his new song.

Kin: Singing a song? Sounds more like someone’s shredding his schlong.

To Carly Simon NobodyDoes it Better

“Nobody does it better / and though we adore all the rest, / Nobody plays lyre half as good as you, / Phoibos, you’re the best.

(sitting up) Oh Come, Trojan maidens, (rising) come dance for Apollo,
who shoots arrows golden from his bo-o-o-w.
Cause he built our fair city
We offer this ditty
In honor of the greatest god we know.

And nobody does it better! / The Muses must follow your beat. / Nobody plays the manly lyre like you. / Phoibos, Leto’s baby, you’re the best.

Phoibos, you’re the best
Apollo, ever blest
A step above the rest (Fade)

(attendants arrange litter at angle for ease of Agathon to flop on it LOC – roll piano away to left corner)


French Scene 4

Kin: (x L) Holy Genetyllides, what a be-you-tiful song. So sissified and wussy. (mock weeping) It got me right deep down in my SPHINCTER. Let me ask, young (hesitate, look closely), young ma../la…, whatever you are, what’s the lyre got to do with a negligee?  Why the manly musk and the push-up bra? Why the mismatch – mirror and sword? Are you male, dickless? Ok, let’s say you’re a woman, hello, tits where are you (calling at his chest)? Which is it, hmmmm?

Ag: Your taunts are painless. I match my costume to my thoughts. Dramas on women’s themes demand bodies trained (body pose 1) in women’s (pose 2) ways (pose 3).

Kin: So, if you write a Phaedra, you ride your stepson?

Ag: (Rise, x R toward Eur for agreement) Well, if a male poet writes manly material, we have that equipment with us always (gentle suggestion of parts on equipment). But imitation makes up for missing qualities.

Kin: Next time you’re writing a satyr play, let me know and I’ll lend you my extensive experience (do a thrusting dance).

Ag: Even you (with disdain) must know that in the old days the tragic poets often played their leading ladies. Phrynichos’ plays were beautiful as his dresses. Form follows function. Our composition determines our compositions. (x L of Kin)

Kin: (pleased with info) So that’s why disgraceful Philokles writes so disgracefully, and horrible Xenokles so horribly.

Ag: Exactly. To this end, I doctored myself.

Kin: (shocked, and sneering) How, pray tell?

Eur: Oh, hush. I was just the same at his age when I started writing.

Kin: (disgusted look over Eur) My god, I don’t envy you your rearing (play on pun).

Eur: (x Kin to C addressing Ag tragically) Agathon, smitten afresh by fickle fate, a suppliant I fall before thee (bow, taking suppliant pose, grab knee with left hand and reaching right toward Ag’s mouth - awkwardly.

Ag: What ist thy need?

Eur: The women this day at the Thesmophoria prepare my doom, because I speak ill of them.

Ag. And how may we be of service?

Eur: (pleading) If you will join the women’s assembly – since you pass for a pretty good woman – you alone can save me in debate rebuttal, as a worthy speaker.

Ag: (directly to Eur, getting his hands off you) Then go make your own defense.

Eur: No, won’t work. First, I’m too famous. Next, I’m an old graybeard. But you are good-looking, pale, clean-shaven, you sound like a woman, you’re smooth, you’re presentable (kind of getting more interested with each line).

Ag: (shaking head) Tsk, tsk, Euripides, Euripides (x R) did you not write in your Alcestis “You enjoy life, my son; think you that your father enjoys it not”?

Eur: I did write that (proud of self)

Ag: (turning back, lesson taught) Thou shouldst not then hope that I shall suffer thy misfortunes for thee. I’d have to be nuts! (x back L, Eur counter, Ag sit) You must conduct your own business. Confront troubles, not with subterfuge, but in all submissiveness. (holding Eur’s hands like a priest with a blessing)

Kin: And you, you faggot, you damn sure got to be a giant asshole, not by words, but in all submissiveness (bending over look through legs to demonstrate).

Ag: Plus, what if I play the part too well? What if I become the favorite femme flavor, won’t the women turn on me too?

Kin: Well, (rising) you’ve got a point there. You could easily pass for a piece of ass.

Eur: (excited) So you’ll do it?!

Ag: I think not.

Eur: (melodramatic to R) Oh horror, catastrophe appalling.