Femme Phantasmagoria


French Scene 11

Chorus member (Kirsten): (depressed) Euripides did get one thing right when he said "Nothing's more horrendous than women born shameless," except maybe the rest of us women.

Mika: (standing angrily) No, no, no. Don't you see you're letting her (point to Kin) brainwash you? (to audience) Can't anybody out there help us? (pause) Ok, we'll do it ourselves, we'll get you good - you won't spout off about your fellow women again after we singe the pubes right off your pussy.

Kin: (quickly and emphatically, slip to male voice then back to female for key word) Uhuh, ladies, not my pussy. Didn't I speak freely like a good Athenian citizen, even if it was in favor of Euripides? Should a woman get a pube plucking for truth telling?

Mika: Why shouldn't we brand the only woman who dares defend a man who intentionally looks for stories about depraved women, Medeas and Phaedras. Never a Penelope, a woman known for her incredible virtue.

(During this line Kirsten will go behind the console Stage R to get the baby/wine bottle wrapped up, she’ll emerge with it carrying baby over toward and behind Mika on line of Kin below about baby boy, so it looks like you’re sneaking across with a baby while he says that line)

Kin: Well that's because there aren't any Penelopes left today, we're all Phaedras.

Mika: Do you hear that, girls?

Kin: Oh, I'm just gettin warmed up: How bout the woman who axed her husband, or the one who poisoned the guy till he went crazy...

Mika: (childishly) I can't hear you.

Kin: Or how you passed off your slave's baby boy as yours and gave your little girl to the slave?

Mika: That's it - your ass is grass now, hon. (start rolling up sleeves for wrestling match)

Kin: Don't you touch me, goddamn it.

Mika: Just watch me! (Herald step in as referee trying to get them to come to the center to shake hands)

Kin: And you watch me. You lay a hand on me, and so help me, by Artemis, I'll

Mika: You'll what? (Herald notices something off R)

Kin: You know that holy wafer you ate earlier? I'll kick the holy shit out of you.

Her: Stop this bout. Looks like news, there's a woman coming.

French Scene 12


Kleisth: (from off R, a little winded) Hi girls, (notice a woman wearing something you'd like) Ooh, that is to die for. Can I borrow it? (she starts to disrobe) Not now dear - (flapping hands) you know I love you all and your girly gig, (reflective) mama always wanted a boy. Oh well. I just had to tell you the latest gossip from the agora (gesturing for them to come in confidently) I just had to warn you (now in big blab voice, can't control yourself, flustered) I heard Euripides sent one of his kinsmen up here to spy on you, and find out what you plan to do.

Chor lead 2 NJ: How could we miss a man at a woman's festival?

Kleisth: Euripides sheared him, plucked him, debeard him and (pause) dressed him up like a woman.

Kin: Well I never. (trying too hard to be womanish) What man could stand a thorough plucking? Not me, (oops, realizes he almost gave himself away), I mean, no way, by the two goddesses

Kleisth: It's Gods' truth! (crossing heart)

Krityll: This (conspiratorially) is serious women (they're all huddling in tighter trapping Kin). Find this man in disguise. (a woman grabs Kleisth) I said a man! He's one of us.

Chor member (Kirsten) : And he's known (nudge, nudge) lots of real men, so he can sniff a man out real good.

Kleisth: Now let's see (up and turn quickly pointing to Mika, suspiciously) who are you (trying to snatch off her wig)?

Mika; I'm Kleonymos' wife.

Kin: (aside, but audibly) I gotta get out of here (trying to leave R, while women turn attention L to Mika, Kirsten farther off L trying to hide baby).

Kleisth: All you ladies recognize her? (All say yes, he's still suspicious), she is awfully mannish. (notices another, hiding something wrapped in a blanket, jump at her) Who's she? with the baby?

Kin: Ooh, I've had it!

Mika: She's my nanny (wincing trying to keep the nanny from being observed).

(Kin trying to go up through C and checking out door upstage R when caught trying the handle and backed against it)

Kleisth: Hey you! Where do you think you're going? (chorus parts suddenly revealing Kin in sneaky pose, clearly disturbed, clinching legs together)

Kin: I need to (delicately) tinkle (run up to off R exit and step out) .

Kleisth: Ok, go ahead, we'll be right here waiting.

Woman-Angela: Watch out for her.  She's the only one nobody recognizes.

Kleisth: That's a long piss break, madam (send 2 in to get Kin, snap fingers like they're your goons)

Kin (from inside) Oh, yes, (as if you know what you're talking about) my water's broken quite a lot, here, now – calling back through door.

Kleisth: Come out here, I need to ask you a few things.

Kin: (struggling with 2 women sent in) I'm really not well, I still need to go.

Kleisth: Who's your husband?

Kin: (thinking slowly) My husband? He's very well known. His name is N.E. Mann from Dick-son, Dixon yeah.

Kleisth: Any man?

Kin: Yeah, N..E..Mann, son of Sam Old Mann.

Kleisth: So you're a regular at the Thesmophoria? (Kin nodding) Who's your tentmate?

Kin: Tent? Oh, I'm staying with Annie Lady.

Mika: This is ridiculous. I'm going to quiz HER about the secret rites. Sorry (to Kleisth), ladies only. (pull Kin to down R, with a few women hovering to hear) What is the first holy mystery for all women?

Kin: Drinking

Mika (surprised) And the second?

Kin: Drinking a second round.

Mika: (looking around) Somebody must have told you? What's the third mystery?

Kin: (nervous) Gotta squat to piss in a pot.

Mika: (Jeopardy ANGH sound) Wrong! Here's our man. Let's strip him down.

Kin: You'd strip a noble mother of nine?

Kleisth: Gimme that bra, you shameless girly man (looking it over to see if he can keep it)

Chor Lead 2 (NJ): Ooh, she's thick and chunky. Her tits are weird.

Kin: I don't breast feed. I'm (breaks down) barren.

Mika: Hang on, you were just a mother of nine.

Kleisth: Up straight. Where's your cock? Come on.

Mika: (behind) Oh my, here it is.

Kleisth: (running around back) Where? (Kin pull it to front)

Mika: It's back out front.

Kleisth; (runs around front, excited) (Kin has snatched it back) It's not up here!

Mika: It's back here again.

Kleisth: (to Kin, impressed) Your cock sure gets around.

Mika: (gesturing to phallus) THAT explains why he spoke highly of Euripides. What a dick!

Kin: Ooh, this is not going to be pretty.

Kleisth: (to two who went after him) Watch him closely, don't let him escape. I’ll go get the police. (off R)

French Scene 13

Singer of this song: (Val, Chor Lead 1 boldly stepping out – Kirsten, you have handed the baby over to Mika for a moment, she hands baby to another woman, (Herald) since she doesn’t know what to do with it) Women, search the camp and shrine, root out all things mascuLINE. (women moving in ranks out and about the doors)

To Gloria Gaynor I will Survive

(Val): Marching orders, girls, here's our strategy,
A stinking man has infiltrated our periphery.
Look around, look up and down,
Look in the sky, look underground,
High and low, Any man has got to go.

If one is caught, bring him to me (Kirsten)
We'll make sure he gets punished soundly for his gross impiety.
He'll be a lesson to all men you cannot fool the gods on high.
When we get through with this man here, he'll wish he hadn't been a spy.

Go, on guys, go, you must depart (NJ)
Just get out right now, cause you weren't welcome from the start.
So help us gods, if we should find you hiding out,
you'll know the gods exist, and you will cry out and shout.

Yes, as for you, you'll be deprived (all together)
of any sanity you had when your sorry ass arrived.
You'll be ample living proof, a godless man is just a doof.
And You'll be deprived, You'll be deprived Oh, Oh, Oh ,Oh

Other women during this song should be checking around the whole theater and esp on wings at doors etc.

French Scene 14

(after final pose at front around Kin, chor returning to stationary positions after search – Kirsten go back to reclaim baby from whatever woman has the baby now at L – being kind of possessive and secretive too, tucking it in next to chest)

Chorus Member (Angela): (salute Chor Lead - NJ) All inspected, sir...maam! No other (suggesting contempt for Kin) men lurking about.

(Kin break free, grab baby quick DL, then U onto altar at UR, women part concerned)

Mika (from DL to DR) Oh my gods. Stop, thief. He just snatched my baby, and right off the tit (Kirsten you were nursing baby and react comic pain and down, covering up quickly, turn U to altar)

Kin: (Evil laugh) Go ahead, lady, scream your head off! Let me go, or the kid gets it, right here, all over this altar.

Mika: (all goes deeply tragic) Women, hearken, sound th'alarm; spare my babe from every harm.

Chorus: Woe is me! Woe is us! Woe R We! Woe R You!(to Kin)

Kin: You ain't seen nothin' yet, ladies.

Chorus: Goddesses two, we pray;  this horrid, noxious, loathsome, vicious, stinky poo poo head man must pay. (different voices on each)

Chor Lead 1 (Val): (to all but gathering Mika and Mania/Kirsten to her) Let's burn the bastard off the altar.

Mika: Firewood, Mania (UL through doorway) We'll torch you good, baby snatcher.

Kin: So, light me. See if I care. (to the baby) You, child, can blame your death on one woman, your mother (blanket off, holding up dressed up wine bottle). What? A baby Bottle? Bubbly with booties? (shake it) Full too. (now almost preaching) Women, wineos all, anything for a drink,  shame, shame, shaaaaamee.

Mika (coming back with wood): Pile it up, Mania. Roast him.

Kinsman: Tell me, (sarcastic) madam, did you give birth to THIS? (present bottle with doll head and clothes, jumping down off altar behind as priest)

Mika: (false confident) All nine months.

Kin: What a labor! (stripping clothes off bottle to reveal completely, but leave head with cork) Quite a brut(e), but not too dry (feeling bottom)! Is it a 2 or 3 year old vintage?

Mika: Something like that. Give her back (pouting)

Kin: (grabbing knife from behind altar, hold to neck of bottle) I'll sacrifice her right here, right now.

Mika: (shaken, weeping) No, anything, spare my only true love.

Kin: No, the goddess demands sacrifice. (pop off head) But you may catch the child's blood in this (hand her a bowl from behind, she snatches it, pour, stop, Mika slurps it) Priestess, you get the hide, right? (toss clothes to Krit/Amber, and boldly from behind altar)

Krit: Poor Mika, your only child, (standing next to her, then take a gulp) Excellent nose, with a hint of plums, dark cherries and spice. Nice finish. (Mika, down R despondent with Mania as women console ).

Kin: (now searching Downstage for escape, thinking) Plan, must have a plan. Euripides, he promised to rescue me. But how? Message...Like in his play Palamedes. I can write the messages on oars and throw them in the sea, then he'll get the message (slowly realizing this is stupid) Oars? I'm up a creek without a paddle. Wait. Message (see audience members with programs, grab 3 or 4). Gimme that, and that. Anybody got a pen? (Take one, writing) "Save me now""Now" "Me" (struggle with spelling)"Save" Now fly my pretties, fly.. (Hee, hee hee) (silence) I'll wait right here then (DL as women form ranks)

French Scene 15 (Parabasis) Helen Reddy I am Woman

Kritylla:  All rise for the Women's Factional Anthem!

I am Woman, you are Man. You don't seem to understand When you say that we're the cause of strife and pain.
If you think we're all so badWhy'd you go and ask our dads For a marriage that you say drives you insane!

Oh yes, I'm a dame, Running households is my game!
At least I can manage funds, you damn men can't say the same!
If I have to, I can weave anything.
I am strong (Chor: Strong)
I am Athenian (Chor: Athenian)
I am woman.

We are tired of your suspicions Of our womanly intentions, every time you leave the house and lock us in!
We can't take it any longer. You just couldn't get it wronger! Women don't screw all of Athens like you men!

Oh yes, I'm a gal, but I am not some femme fatale!
I don't pilfer public funds, unlike some male criminals.
If I have to, I can weave anything.
I am strong (Chor: Strong)
I am Athenian (Chor: Athenian)
I am woman