Femme Phantasmagoria



French Scene 16

Kin: (up and looking through the forest of women) I don't see him anywhere. What's keeping him. He's probably ashamed that his Palamedes was a flop, so he's not answering. Now (thinking) which of his plays would lure him here? I've got it!. I can play the lead in his play Helen. After all, I'm already in costume for that (present dress).

Krit (checking him suspiciously) What are you up to? you'll be in a Hell of Helen's making if you don't settle down till the police get here.

Kin: (showgirl presentation) Barry Manilow Copa Cabana

I'm here in Egypt, along the Ni-al, The yearly flooding here they say, causes people no dismay.
My name is Helen, Helen of Sparta, I caused a lot of death in Troy Krit: Because you humped a pretty boy!
Kin: Where did my husband go? I really need him so.
Krit: Couldn't you have thought of that before,
You stinking whore!

Euripides: (appearing off L) Oh who livest in this fair harbor? What lord rulest over these borders?
I seek refuge, a weary sailor; shipwrecked and battered, I'm so torn and tattered. Tell me kindly, where have I come?

Chor: (like an echo) Egypt, you are in Egypt, Egypt, in Egypt. You are in E-egypt.

Kin: Proteus ruled here, but now his son's king, and sonny wants me for his wife, I think I'd rather take my life.
Krit: You're such a liar, this isn't Egypt. You busted up our ladies' day, and now you're trying to get away.
Eur: (to Kin) Oh lady tell me true, do I perchance know you?
Kin: I feel I have seen you somewhere too, how could that be true?

Eur: Are you Greek maam? You look like Helen. Kin: Are you Menelaos, dear fellow?
Eur: Yes, I am dear, I am your husband; wretched and lonely, I've found you my only. Krit: This is nasty; Don't fall in love.

Kin: (emotive acting) O unhoped for husband hold me, kiss me, take me, take me, take me (throw head about like sexual suggestion of phrase) take me away

Krit: (grabs Kin from other side to prevent escape offstage R) If you try to spring him, I'll beat you old man.

Eur: (trying to be tragic, but behaving shiftily) Wench, wouldst thou divorce me from my own bride's side.

Krit: You're in on this too, aren't you you scoundrel; just like a couple of Egyptians. This guy's going to jail; here come the fuzz .

Eur: (slinking off R, as police enter down audience R, Marshal [Jan] + Russian guard [Mark] + Kleisthenes return and join women ]

I must be moseying along.

Kin: (desperate, trying to keep him onstage) But what where will I go? What will I do?

Eur: Madam, fear not, I'll not abandon you, so long as this body has breath or at least until I run out of plot twists. (off quickly)


French Scene 17

Marshal: (Irish or Sheriff) So this is the scum Kleisthenes told us about? Here (to Russian Policeman), strap him to that [pt. to chains], and watch him. If anyone gets near him, hit him with this (give him a whip or belt).

Krit: Someone already tried to get near him

Kin: (as he's being strapped) Last request, sir? Make him strip me back to my manly garb; I don't want to be in a dress when the crows eat me - they'd laugh.

Marshal: It's been decreed that you'll die dressed as you came, so that all who see you know what a criminal dared come here. Don't let him out of your sight! (to Police and off L)

Kin: (break down as Marsh exits, Krit + Kleisth rejoins chor)

French Scene 18

Chorus: BeeGees Tragedy
Time to dance at the sacred Thesmophoria.
Goddesses you know that we adoree ya.
Hail the Twain, protect us from this man who came.
We want to spend time praising you,
Praising you, Loving you, loving you.

Tragedy! This feels like a plot concocted by Euripides.
Distracting us from the gods we trust.
It's so hard to bear, with no gods to love we'd be going nowhere!

Tragedy! If you lose your way while you watch a play. Euripides.
Just save a damsel in distress
It's so hard to bear, they're all just the same and they're goin' nowhere!

French Scene 19


Polic: (finishing binding Kin to chains) Now you  scream to sky.

Kin: Please, sir, I entreat you (reaching out to him)

Polic: No treats, please.

Kin: Loosen up.

Polic: Oh, too loose, no problem, will take care. (tightening clamps)

Kin: Oww. You Russian bastard

Polic: Shut face, I get comfortable. (goes to get a folding chair)

Kin: So this is what I get for helping Euripides! (Music, 20th century Fox theme: Eur flashes across from off R quickly superheroish pose, then quickly off L) Gods be praised, he's Perseus, and I'm Andromeda. He'll rescue me from my chains (Suddenly in character) Right now in a barbarian land, far far away, I am in bondage to this rock, food for a savage sea beast. A dark lord shaved me and put me in this dress and left me to rot, though I begged him, in most implorish tones, to rescue me. Gods damn my savage guard, (guard appears staring at him) zap him good. (guard putting down chair staring at Eur)

Eur: (zipping about as if he can fly, strike poses) Gods, to what savage land come I, swift-sandled. Wafting my way through the heavenly realm, foot-wingéd, to lofty Argos, hence to hie, with this dread burden, the Gorgon's snaky head. What ho? A damsel anchored rockward

Kin: Pity a poor maiden, stranger. Loose my bonds!

Pol: Shut trap, or will be dead maiden.

Eur: Fair lady, I pity thee in thy distress.

Pol: I pity his dress, too; is no lady, is ugly bad man

Eur: Nay, tis Cepheus' daughter, Andromeda.

Pol: Must be joking; there is big bird in bush.

Eur: I am stricken with passion for this damsel.

Pol: Damn is right; you are sick, but you can maybe drill hole in back and have -(pause)  do (pause) is word?  fox, yes fox  -(pause) person. I no will look.

Eur: Oh gods no, I'd rather release her bonds.

Pol: Touch chains, and will feel pains (draw over large sword)

Eur: Point taken. I must needs divert my mind, to other craft sublime. I'll trap this loathsome cur with ruses fast and sure. (quickly to L, take off extra costume pieces back to basic black, Gorgon sack also has a dress in it and a fake harp, move the head over like it's just in your way in the purse; We need cover music for this change)

Pol: Your boyfriend is tricky guy.

Kin: Forget me not, in my sorry state, Perseus (hopeless)

Pol: You need more whip.

French Scene 20

Eur: Ladies, gather round (call them over to stage L) I propose a truce. I promise that from this moment on I will never again slander any of you women.

Chor-lead 1: And why would you do that (suspicious)?

Eur: That tortured soul is my kin. If I can get him out, no more insults from me. But if you say no, all the stuff you've been doing behind your husband's backs, I'll tell them everything, all the juicy bits, too (Women nervous)

Chor-lead 2: (nervously) We can accept those terms. But you need to deal with that (indicate barbarian, picking his nose to L)

Eur: I've got that covered. (take out old woman dress, glasses and shoes?boots? for dancing girl (?) and flute for Val). Now you (?) put this stuff on, and you (?) take this. Ok, your job (?)  swing it, (she's timid at first) no, no more booty action. There you go. And you, play something snappy on that (she samples it). And I'll play this (funny instrument), and wear this (throw on mumu and wig) – Cantina song from Star Wars

Polic: (suddenly noticing music) What's for this noise (coming over to take a look, chorus members behind Eur, etc at far L)

Eur: (as old woman) This girl needs to rehearse her dance for a big private party. (she's shaking a bit)

Polic: Ride horse dance. Yes. Good. (grab chair and pull to Center, sit) She can ride horse right here (sexual suggestion, )

Eur: A lap dance, good. Go to it.

Polic: Ooh, yes. Nice ass (slap it, she turns, shimmy in his face). Firm tits too- like turnips.

Eur: Faster music.

Polic: Oh boy. (now talking into pants) Is crowded in here. (Stand, drop pants, big phallus pops out, leave pants at ankles - music suddenly stops)

Eur: Good work (to dancer) Time to go now (leading her away L)

Polic: Wait. Don't I get nothing?

Eur: Sure. Give him a little kiss. (she does, and steps back away)

Polic: More, more. (walking around with pants at ankles)

Eur (turning back): I'm afraid not, officer (pulling her to L)

Polic: Wait, old lady, will do favor for me?

Eur: Got cash?

Polic: No.

Eur: How about your sword? (he tries to hand phallus over) No, the sword (he grabs it at his feet and hands it over)

Polic: Ok, you please watch him till I get back. What's your name?

Eur: Artemisia

Polic: Ok, Artamuxia. I remember that (off with dancing girl through door Up Left between girls)

Eur: Now to release my helpful kinsman. (release Kin at R)

Kin: At last.

Eur: Now let's beat it before he gets back (off R aisle, looking back and around)

Polic: (coming back with limp phallus and dancing girl) Hey, old lady, that was a good one, that girl. (sees Kin is gone) Where is old lady (asking chorus)? Ugly guy is gone. She tricked me that old bag. Where is babushka? Artamuxia?

Chor member Are you looking for an old lady with a harp?

Polic: Da, is with big guy in dress?

Chor member: You might catch them that way. (point all directions)

Polic: Artamuxia? Ugly guy? (off up L)

French Scene 21 - Exodos

"That's the End of the Thesmophoria" -Carl Douglas 'Kung Fu Fighting'

That's the end of the Thesmophoria (ha)/ our Femme Phantasmagoria (Jenn hurt self).

But people we implore ya / don't let Euripides snow ya.

He's a quirky tragic man in a classy tragic town.

When he's choppin' legends up, he is choppin' Athens down.

Aristophanes hopes you won't patronize this dope,

Cause Euripides, you saw, is a great big tragic flaw.

That's the end of the Thesmophoria / our Femme Phantasmagoria.

Our comedy was all for ya. / Show us now that we didn't bore ya.

Bows to end music