Agorastocles A noble if rather stupid youth, in love with Adelphasium.

Milphio His cunning and much beaten slave.

Adelphasium A slave prostitute owned by the pimp Lycus, but not yet practicing her profession.

Anterastilis Her sister, in the same predicament.

Ancilla A slave girl waiting on the sisters.

Lycus A slimy pimp, owner of the girls.

Antamoenides A blustering soldier availing himself of Lycus' services.

Advocati Celerity-challenged freedmen enlisted as witnesses by Agorastocles.

Collybisca The female slave who manages Agorastocles' farm in the country.

Syncerastus A grumpy eunuch (wouldn't you be?), slave of Lycus.

Hanno AwealthyCarthaginian still searching for his long lost daughters.

Giddenis The slave, now owned by Lycus, who nursed the girls.

Pueri Slaves serving Hanno; one of them even gets a line.

Servi Slaves serving Agorastocles; they're the strong silent type.

Praeco A guy who comes out at the end and reminds the crowd to clap.

On stage are two houses, that of Agorastocles, and that of Lycus.

Our play is set in Calydon, a city in western Greece. The time is more or less the present (i.e. circa 200 B.C.)

Carthage -- a Phoenician colony on the north coast of Africa in modern Tunisia. No histories written by Carthaginians about the city survive. Greek and Roman historians, whose accounts are often characterized by prejudice, lack of sympathy and even antipathy, authored the only extant ancient testimonies. According to legend, the princess Dido, the focus of the fourth book of Vergil's Aeneid, founded the city in the late ninth century BC. By the 5th century BC Carthage had become a mighty, independent naval empire whose sailors were among the first documented explorers of the Atlantic coast of Europe and West Africa at a time when other cultures feared to venture that far afield.

From the death of Alexander the Great in 323 until the third century BC, Carthage was a great Mediterranean power, controlling trade in the western Mediterranean Sea. Carthage and Rome kept a fairly civil relationship until 264 BC, when they clashed over the domination of Sicily and precipitated the First Punic War. It was not until 241 that the Roman navy, under the leadership of C. Lutatius Catulus, defeated the Carthaginians and negotiated a peace plan that stipulated that the Carthaginians leave Sicily.

Despite these terms, Rome and Carthage continued their aggressions; after smaller skirmishes, the Second Punic War began in 218 BC after the general Hannibal's invasion (with his elephants) of northern Italy. After seventeen years of battles, Hannibal was finally defeated by the Roman general Scipio. When they signed the peace treaty, the Carthaginians surrendered their navy and their territory in Spain, and the Romans left north Africa. After Carthage's defeat, Rome's dominance over the Mediterranean area lasted for centuries.

Rome nevertheless declared war on Carthage a third time in 149 BC (the Third Punic War) when Carthage, having made a great and speedy economic recovery, continually provoked and finally attacked Masinissa, Rome's ally (the actions of Carthage prompted Cato the Censor allegedly to urge, "Carthago delenda est"). When the Roman army arrived in Africa, Carthage surrendered, but then refused the Roman terms that they give up their power. After a three-year siege, the Romans, under Scipio Aemilianus, stormed and sacked the city, made Carthage a Roman territory (the subduing of Carthage led Rome to establish many cities in North Africa, such as Leptis Magna). Even at the time of her fall, Carthage's wealth was proverbial: despite its loss of Spain in 201 BC, it was considered the wealthiest city in the world.

The Carthaginians and Romans have been called "age-long enemies," yet some Romans recognized certain admirable qualities in the Carthaginian people. Cicero, for example, wrote that "Carthage would never have held an empire for 600 years had it not been governed with wisdom and statesmanship" (Rep. fr. 3). Plautus, likewise, shows a certain amount of sympathy and respect for Hanno, his Carthaginian hero.

Punic, the language of the Carthaginians, was from the Semitic family (related to Hebrew), and survived in North Africa centuries after the fall of Carthage itself. There are few examples of written Punic, except for a collection of funereal and dedicatory inscriptions. Hanno's words in the Poenulus, although corrupted Punic, are the only written example we have of anything close to "conversational" Punic.

Tyre -- a powerful commercial port city on the Phoenician coast (modern Lebanon). In 332 BC Alexander the Great captured and destroyed it, but it soon bounced back. It was ruled by several different hands until 126 BC, when it became free, and made a treaty with Rome. Tyre functioned as an important economic center for the precious purple dye industry.
 

1.1

(Milphio and Agorastocles enter together.)

AGORASTOCLES. I've handed many things over to you Milphio,

things precarious, pressing, and in need of a plan,

which you wisely, smartly, shrewdly and most expertly

fixed up for me through your own efforts.

For these good deeds I openly declare that 5

I owe you freedom, thanks and many a thankyou.

MILPHIO. Now you sweet-talk me; yesterday you didn't break a sweat

in wearing out three rawhide whips on my back.

AG. Would I dare do that to you of all people?

Goodness no! Why, when I see you lashed, it hurts me more than you. 10

MI. You mean me, by Hercules.

AG. No, no, me.

MI. (aside) I wish.

What do you want now?

AG. Why should I pretend in front of you?

I'm passionately in love.

MI. With beating me.

AG. I was speaking of my neighbor, Adelphasium,

the older of that pimp's two prostitutes. 15

MI. I've heard this from you before.

AG. I'm driven

to distraction by desire for her. But there's no filthier filth

than her master, that pimp Lycus.

MI. Do you want to play a nasty trick on him?

AG. And how!

MI. Give me to him!

AG. Go to hell. 20

MI. But let's talk seriously.

You want to give him trouble, don't you?

AG. Yes.

MI. Give him me again!

AG. You're a fool.

MI. Do you want to make that girl free today

without spending a cent?

AG. Yes, Milphio.

MI. I'll make it happen. Do you have

300 bucks in gold at home? 25

AG. What are you going to do with it?

MI. Shush.

Today we have for you, behind this house on stage left . . .

a brand new pimp complete with his entire household!

AG. How are you going to do it?

MI. Here's the plan: your farm manager Collybisca--

Collybiscus (let's pretend she's a man) -- is in town.

The pimp doesn't know her. Do you see where I'm headed?

AG. Of course, but . . . I don't see where you'll end up. 30

MI. We'll give her the gold to take to the pimp.

She'll say she's a stranger from out of town

Who wants to get some loving and some satisfaction.

The gold-greedy pimp will welcome her at once

And hide your slave and gold beneath his roof. 35

AG. I like it.

MI. Then ask him whether your slave's come to his house.

He'll think I'm the one you mean. He'll tell you no at once.

Do you doubt that then and there we'll catch that pimp

red-handed with your gold and slave?

He'll have no way out. When he's brought to court, 40

the judge will give you everything you want.

And that's how we'll snare Lycus the pimp.

AG. I'm off to the temple of Venus, unless you want something, Milphio.

It's Aphrodite-Day.

MI. I know.

AG. I want to feast

my eyes on those bodacious babes. 45

MI. First let's go inside and show your farm manager Collybisca --

I mean Collybiscus -- how to trick the pimp.

AG. Though Love beats in my breast, nevertheless

I'll obey you. (He exits into his house.)

MI. I'll make you glad you did.

Up next, that pernicious pimp Lycus-- 50

at whom a catapult of calamity is now nicely aimed

which I'll soon fire from this foxhole.

(He sees Adelphasium and Anterastilis entering.)

But look -- it's Adelphasium and Anterastilis!

The first one's the girl driving my master mad with love.

I'll call him. Yoo hoo, Agorastocles, get out here! 55

AG. (returning) What's all the bellowing, Milphio?

MI. There's your girlfriend, if you want

to catch a peek.

AG. O may the gods bless you many times

for showing me so spectacular a sight!

1.2

(Enter the sisters Adelphasium and Anterastilis, accompanied by their serving girl, whom we creatively name Ancilla. The sisters speak to one another, unaware that Agorastocles and Milphio are watching; as they watch, Ag. and Mi. speak with one another out of the hearing of the women.)

ADELPHASIUM. Whoever wants to find himself a load of trouble

should buy just two things, a car and a woman, 60

since nothing else is more trouble than these,

once you begin to deck them out.

I've got home schooling; I know what I'm talking about.

Look at the two of us: from dawn straight on until now

we haven't once stopped being 65

washed or waxed or worked or wubbed,

smoothed, soothed, beautified and cutified;

day and night, our whole life is always

soaping, steaming, filing, smiling --

and we've never known how to put an end

to this load of washing and drying. 70

ANTERASTILIS. Sister, it's real weird to hear you talk like that,

though you're so clever and so smart and smooth --

since even when we prettify ourselves so carefully,

we can hardly find us any lover boys. 75

ADE. That's true, but still, remember this:

moderation is the best policy.

All excessive things themselves will trouble us excessively.

ANTE. Please, sister, just think:

Men think we're like anchovies-- 80

unless you really soak them forever in gallons of water,

they're stinky and salty, and you wouldn't want to touch them.

That's how women are,

really uninteresting and uncute

if they don't have expensive elegance. 85

MI. (aside to Ag.) She must be quite a cook, Agorastocles;

I bet she could open a tin of sardines all by herself.

AG. (aside to Mi.) Why are you such a pain?

ADE. Please, sister, stop that. It's enough that others talk like that

without ourselves finding our own faults.

ANTE. I'll be quiet. 90

ADE. Thank you. But now tell me:

do we have everything we need

to please the gods?

ANTE. I've brought it all.

AG. (aside) Oh, what a beautiful, passion-full, festival day --

good enough for Venus herself, since it's Aphrodite-Day.

MI. (aside to Ag.) Isn't it about time for you to get me 95

a gallon o' Gallo? Tell me you will. What, no answer?

I think his tongue's fallen off!

Why the hell are you standing there like you're paralyzed?

AG. Let me love! Don't bother me! Shut up!

MI. (à la Elvis) I'm all shut up.

AG. If you had shut up, your "all shut up" would never have shown up.

ANTE. Let's go, sister. 100

ADE. Wait -- why the hurry now?

ANTE. You need to ask?

'Cause our master's waiting for us at the temple.

ADE. Let him wait -- just you wait, too.

The altar's packed right now; do you really want to rub shoulders with those

hookers, bakers' tarts, porridge prostitutes,

foul fifty-cent sluts for slimy little slaves?

MI. (aside) Go to hell! How dare you scorn slaves, 105

you harlot! As if she were cute, as if she were the president's choice!

What a beastly woman, walking small and talking big!

AG. (aside) The old Venus is no more --

Now she's my Venus, and I'll beg her to be nice to me.

MI. (aside to Ag.) How can you love her if you've never touched her? 110

AG. (aside to Mi.) No problem;

I love and fear the gods too, but I keep my hands off them.

ANTE. Oh, damn! Whenever I look at our outfits, I'm sorry

our dressing up is so low class.

ADE. But I think we're done up just right:

it's enough that enough's enough; and that's enough of that.

AG. (aside to Mi.) I swear to god, 115

that girl could make a rock fall in love with her.

MI. (aside to Ag.) No kidding; you're dumber than a rock

if you love her.

AG. Go to hell!

MI. I'm already there.

AG. You're wasting my time.

MI. I'll be quiet.

AG. I mean forever.

ANTE. Sister, you think you're dressed up prettily enough, 120

but when you compare the high-class hookers,

you'll be sorry.

ADE. My dear sister, I was born with neither envy nor spite.

Gold comes through good luck, but a heart of good is nature's gift.

We ladies of the night are best dressed in modesty, not finery. 125

Foul acts soil fine dresses more than filth;

Charm cleanses filthy dresses beautifully.

AG. (aside to Mi. again) Milphio!

MI. (to Ag.) Here we go again! What do you want now?

AG. Come, just listen to her sweet nothings!

MI. Nothing's as sweet as these cupcakes --

with chocolate cake, vanilla frosting, and chocolate bits on top. 130

AG. But I'm in love with her.

MI. Well, I'm in love with food and drink!

ANTE. Let's go, sister.

ADE. Lead the way.

ANTE. Come on.

ADE. I'm coming.

AG. (still aside ) There they go! What if we go after them?

MI. Go ahead.

(Now Agorastocles moves forward and addresses the women in turn)

AG. (to Ad.) First of all, a fine day to you ;

(to Ante.) next, good day to the runner-up;

(to the slave girl) last, well, a hello to you doesn't cost me a thing. 135

ANCILLA. (aside) All my time and effort -- down the drain!

AG. Where are you off to?

ADE. Me? To the temple of Venus.

AG. What for?

ADE. To make Venus happy.

AG. Why bother?

ADE. Why are you bothering me?

AG. (aside) Oh, isn't she a feisty one!

ADE. Let me go.

AG. What's the rush? It's rush hour now.

ADE. I know.

I want to see and to be seen

at the Wenches' Warehouse -- there's a sale today. 140

AG. So when will you make a house call on me?

ADE. When pigs fly.

AG. Price is no problem--I bet you can hear the coins jangling in my pocket.

ADE. I bet they'll fit nicely in my purse.

MI. (aside to Ag.) Ain't she sweet! 145

AG. (aside to Mi.) Go directly to hell -- and don't pass Go!

MI. (to Ag.) The more I look, the stormier and stupider she seems.

ADE. Don't waste your breath.

AG. Why not slip out of something more comfortable?

ADE. I'm a good girl -- please stop bothering me, Agorastocles.

AG. What's left for me now?

ADE. Wise up! Cut your losses.

AG. And lose you!? Help, Milphio! 150

MI. (aside) Not again!

AG. You're done for, if you don't make her my sweetheart.

MI. What can I do?

AG. Sweet-talk her and coax her and say pretty-please.

MI. I'll do it--

but don't mangle your match-maker later.

AG. Of course not.

ADE. You never treat me right; you've always left me high and dry.

You've promised me many a moon and delivered not a one. 155

You've sworn fifty thousand times to make me free,

But while I wait for you and drop all my other plans,

yours never come through; so I still end up a slave.

Come on, sister, and you -- get out of my life!

AG. I'm a goner! Milphio, what do you say?

MI. (he addresses Ade.) My sweetie, my sugar plum, my darling, 160

light of my life, joy of my heart, my love,

my honey, my dear -- my sweet little cheesecake . . .

AG. Am I going to put up with this sort of representation?

MI. Now, help me out; please don't get mad at him.

He'll make you a full-fledged free citizen of Greece. 165

Why not let him come over? Why not like him? He likes you.

Let me plead with you -- stroke your ear --give you a little kiss . . .

ADE. Out of my face! You're just as bad a liar as your master! MI. But don't you understand?

I'll be the crybaby if I don't win you over,

and unless I do -- I hope he doesn't spank me, 170

but I'm quite afraid he will!

AG. I'm not worth a dime if I don't

smash this rascal's eyes and eye teeth out.

Here's (pow!) your sweetie and here's (bam!) your honey

and your 'dear' and your 'joy-of-my-heart' -- and (socko!) kiss this!

Here's how you should have done it, you scum: "His sweetie, 175

his honey, his dear, the joy of his heart, his kiss,

his baked Brie" -- you wuss!

You should have known that what you said was yours belonged to me.

MI. Pretty please, his sweetie (and my sourpuss),

his big-breasted babe (and my trash-talking tormentor), 180

light of his life (blight on my life), his sugar (my booger).

And now my back's all zebra-striped with sores

because of his lust for you.

ADE. You want me to stop him more from laying into you than lying all to me?

ANTE. Just tell him something charming to stop his harming us. 185

ADE. You're right. Agorastocles, just this once I'll forgive you

your rudeness. No feelings hurt.

AG. None?

ADE. None.

AG. Just one little kiss to make sure?

ADE. You'll get one as soon as I come back from Venus'.

AG. Go, quick!

ADE. Come on, sister.

AG. One more thing --

ADE. Okay.

AG. Give Venus

a big hello for me. 190

ADE. I'll do it.

AG. Just one more thing --

ADE. What's this?

AG. Do it

in 25 words or less.

(as they move off) And one more thing -- look back.

She looked back! I'm sure Venus will do the same for you!

1.3

MI. What now?

AG. I gave Collybisca the 300 bucks in gold 195

before you called me out.

I beg you, Milphio, by this right hand

and by his constant companion the left, by your eyes,

your freedom . . .

MI. That's it, this vow's void.

AG. Dearest Milphio, my right-hand man, my salvation,

help me destroy this pimp. 200

MI. No problem.

Go and bring back the witnesses with you; meanwhile

I'll head in and outfit your overseer. Hurry up and go.

AG. I'm on the run.

MI. That's my line of work, not yours.

AG. Yes, yes, if you pull this off . . .

MI. Just go . . .

AG. I'll free you . . . 205

MI. Just leave me . . .

AG. Neither as much water as there is in the sea . . .

MI. Are you ever going to leave?

AG. Nor all the clouds in the sky. . .

MI. Will you go on going on?

AG. Nor the stars in the sky . . .

MI. Will you keep thundering in my ears?

AG. Neither this nor that nor -- but seriously -- 210

what are words between us? May Juppiter . . .

MI. If I can't make you go, I'll leave;

for to untangle that speech you'd have to be a riddler

like Oedipus, spokesman for the Sphinx. (Mi. exits.)

AG. He left angry. 215

I'll fetch the witnesses since its Love's decree

that to my slave I play the slave though free. (Ag. exits.)

2.1

(Lycus enters from the forum.)

LYCUS: After this day may all gods curse that pimp

who ever makes a single sacrifice to Venus,

since today with my bad luck I sacrificed 220

six lambs to those angry gods of mine

but couldn't convince Venus to be kind to me.

As I got no mercy, I left that place at once,

And, angry, wouldn't let them cut the insides out--

thus I bamboozled greedy Venus beautifully. 225

When she wouldn't say enough's enough

I did. Anything else would be beneath me.

That soothsayer, the two-bit quack,

kept claiming all the entrails fated me

to destruction and damnation, and irate gods. 230

Why trust him in any matter human or divine?

I soon got fifty bucks in silver as a gift!

But I wonder where that soldier's waiting now--

he gave me this, so I invited him to lunch--

(He sees Antamoenides entering from the forum.)

But look--here he comes. 235

ANTAMOENIDES: As I began to tell you,

dear pimp, about that fight in Panama,

when I killed sixty thousand in one day--

flying men--with my own hands.

LY: Flying men?

ANTA: That's what I'm saying.

LY: But, tell me, have there ever been flying men? 240

ANTA: There were. But then I killed them.

LY: How

did you do it?

ANTA: I gave my legion glue

and slings, and leaves to wrap the glue in.

LY: Go on, since you lie so well--what next?

ANTA: They stuffed their slings with gobs of glue, 245

and I ordered to shoot them down as they flew by.

As each one fell, I stabbed him on the spot

straight through the brain, with his own feather.

LY: If that ever happened then may Juppiter

make me forever sacrifice without success. 250

ANTA: You don't believe me?

LY: As much as I should be believed.

Let's go in.

ANTA: While they bring the leftovers, I'd like

to tell you of another battle.

LY: I'm not waiting.

ANTA: Listen.

LY: I'm not listening.

ANTA: What's this?

By god I'll smash your head wide open now, 255

if you don't listen or . . . go to hell.

LY: I'd rather go to hell.

ANTA: You're sure?

LY: Sure. ANTA: Then why not, since it's Aphrodite-Day,

let me at that pretty little prostitute of yours.

LY: Now let's go in. Follow me this way. 260

ANTA: I'm following.and for today you'll be my general. (They exit into Lycus' house.)

3.1
(Ag. enters just ahead of the Advocati, whom he soon addresses.)

AG: I swear there's nothing worse than a friend who's slow to come,

especially when a guy's in love, and wants to hurry everything.

This is the help I've got, men of sluggish step,

slower than barges becalmed on windless seas. 265

It was no good to ask these stumbling slow-pokes for help in love.

And if you're coming today, come, or leave here and go to hell!

I'd say you learned to walk that way with shackles on.

ADVOCATI: Howdy. We may look low-class and poor to you,

but if you don't treat us right, Mr. Big-shot Filthy Rich-- 270

we're good at making rich men miserable.

And we don't have to help you love or hate.

We've got our rights, and we don't think you're worth a dime--

so don't think we're slaves addicted to your love.

Free men ought to walk through town at a steady pace; 275

We leave it to slaves to run about in haste.

And if you're in such a big hurry now,

you should have told us to come before today.

So don't suppose we'll hurry ourselves for you.

AG: But if I'd told you to come with me to a meal at home, 280

you'd dash past deer, leave stilt-walkers standing.

But since you're here as my supporters and my witnesses,

you limp along, and out-do the snail for slowness.

ADV: But isn't there good reason to race to where

someone else provides all the food and drink you want? 285

And though, all things considered, we're rather poor,

don't you mistreat us so contemptibly.

If you're in such a hurry, try drive-through witnesses.

None of us will bust his butt on your behalf.

AG: Don't be so upset--I was only joking. 290

ADV: Then treat our reply as joking too.

AG: You know the plan: I've told you what I need done

about this pimp who's mocked my love so long--

there's a trap prepared for him with my gold and slave.

ADV: We already know this stuff--if the audience does, 295

since we're doing all this acting for them.

Don't worry yourself, we've got it all down when

when you did, in rehearsal.

AG: All right, but go on, so I can know

you know I know you know. 300

ADV: You're testing us? You doubt we've learned our lines?

(They mime the plot to trap Lycus.)

AG: You've got it.

ADV: Oh, just barely. It's not exactly rocket science.

AG: This has got to be done in a hurry . . .

Bene! Milphio's come opportunely, and with my farm's manager. 305

3.2

(Milphio and Collybisca enter from Agorastocles' house; they speak to one another before going up to Ag. and the Adv.)

MI. Now you know all the instructions by heart?

COLLYBISCA. Absolutely.

MI. Keep your wits about you,

and just make sure you've got your part down cold.

CO. Well, I know it better than any actor, comical or tragical.

MI. What a clever gir . . . guy. 310

AG.Let's go.

MI. (approaching Ag.) Are the witnesses here?

AG. Yes indeed.

MI. Couldn't you have brought people better suited for the job?

ADV. The hell with you.

MI. And to you, (sarcastically) since all in all

you'll certainly be a big help to a man in love.

(to Ag.) But these men of yours, they know what to do?

AG. Everything's set.

MI. Well then, you all pay attention. Do you know this pimp 315

Lycus?

ADV. No problem.

CO. O goodness, I don't know what he looks like.

Could you point him out to me?

ADV. We'll take care of it.

Enough said.

AG. This man has 300 dollars in gold coins.

ADV. Then we'd better check out the gold, Agorastocles,

so we'll know what to say in court. 320

CO. (holding up the play money) Come and look.

ADV. Ladies and gentlemen, this really is gold . . . the comic sort.

But it's cash money in this business. We'll play along.

CO. Now pass me off as a foreigner.

ADV. Of course,

and in fact we'll say you came to us today asking us

to show you a free-loving pleasure pad 325

where one can love, drink, and do it the Greek way.

CO. Yuuck, disgusting men!

AG. I taught them.

MI. And who taught you?

CO. Come on, get inside Agorastocles.

AG. But . . .

ADV. Go!

AG. Woe is me! (exits)

CO. Shhh! Quiet.

ADV. What is it?

CO. The doors just creaked.

ADV. Get behind us. 330

CO. Okay.

ADV. We'll go on ahead.

That man coming out--he's the pimp.

CO. He's ugly as sin--perfect for the part.

3.3

(Lycus enters from his house, with a few words for the soldier he's abandoned inside.)

LY: I'll be right back, soldier, when I find us

some people who'll be fun to party with.

But what's with this mob coming along? What's up? 335

And who's that guy in the cloak behind them?

ADV: We citizens of Aetolia greet you, Lycus,

though our greeting's hardly gladly given--

LY: May you all be happy too, as I know for sure

that Happiness will never let that happen. 340

ADV: It's just as bad to do a bad man good

as a good man bad.

LY: Most eloquent. But what's it got to do with me?

ADV: It's in your honor that we've come to you,

though our good will toward pimps is pretty puny. 345

LY: If you've got any good news for me, I'm grateful.

ADV: We've brought nothing good of ours for you,

nor do we promise it nor want it given.

LY: Oh, I believe you--that's what your good will is worth.

But what do you want? 350

ADV: This gir--guy you see in the cloak,

war's made him mad.

CO: (aside to Adv.) The same to you!

ADV: We're offering him to you for the rip-off.

CO: (aside) The hunter will get his kill today--

The dogs are driving this wolf into our trap most beautifully.

LY: Who's this? 355

ADV: We don't know him ourselves--

but when we went to the harbor this morning

we saw this guy disembarking from

a merchant ship.

He says he's a visitor, who doesn't know his way around,

and he wants to find himself a good place 360

to mess around in. We've brought the man to you.

LY: He's that turned on?

ADV: And he's got gold.

LY: That's loot for me!

ADV: It's booze and babes he's after.

LY: I'll provide the place.

ADV: And he wants it hush-hush, so no one knows,

no witnesses--since he's an Army ranger from Ft. Bragg. 365

CO: (aside) That's great about the army, especially Ft. Bragg!

LY: God bless you every one, since you've given me

a juicy tip by sending me this sucker.

ADV: He's got 300 bucks as his advance guard!

LY: I'm in heaven--if I can lure this man to me today! 370

ADV: We've led the lamb straight up to the slaughter:

now it's best for you to get him, if you want him got.

CO: Are you going now? What about what I asked you?

ADV: This man's the one for you to talk to:

he's good at getting what you're after. 375

CO: (aside to the Advocati) Make sure you see me giving him the gold.

ADV: (to Collybisca) We're right behind you--from a distance.

CO: (louder) You've treated me right.

LY: (aside) A fortune's coming my way!

CO: (aside) And it's going to kick you in the butt.

LY: (aside) I'll speak to him seductively. 380

Greetings, my guest, and welcome.

It's splendid to see you safely arrived.

CO: I'm looking . . .

LY: For some hospitality, they say.

CO: That's right.

LY: And I can give you all the holiday you're after,

if you can handle holding it in a lovely locale, 385

lying in a lovely bed, and energetically embracing

one lovely lady.

CO: Just show the way.

LY: There with Leucadian, Chian, Gallo, Martini and Rossi, Riuniti, Andre--

all the very ancient vintages--you'll wine your life away.

But all these things I've mentioned are off on active duty. 390

CO: What's this? LY: Because they want their wages now.

CO: Why, you're no more eager to receive than I to give!

ADV: (conferring among themselves) Why don't we call Agorastocles outside?

(aside to Ag. inside) Psst! you--if you want to catch the thief--come out quick

so you can catch the pimp gold-handed! 395
 

3.4

(Ag. enters from his house.)

AG: What's up? What do you want?

ADV: Look to the right. (He looks to the left.) The other right.

Your slave's about to give the gold to the pimp in person.

CO: Please take this, if you will. This is the 300 bucks

in gold coin minted at the Franklin mint.

Take care of me with this: I want it spent fast. 400

LY: By god, you've bought yourself a fine host today--

Come on, let's go in.

CO: I'm following.

LY: Come, move along--

we'll tell the other tales inside.

CO: I'll tell you tales of adventure at Camp Lejeune.

LY: Why not just follow me? 405

CO: Lead the way. I'm enslaved today. (They exit into Lycus' house.)

AG: What are you going to do for me now?

ADV: Make you a success.

ADV: What if I'm not up to it?

ADV: Have it your way.

AG: You saw the pimp take the gold?

ADV: Saw it.

AG: You know she's my slave?

ADV: Got it.

AG: This is against all sorts of laws? 410

ADV: Got it.

AG: I want you to remember all of this stuff

when the need comes, before the judge.

ADV: Remember it.

AG: Shall I knock on the door right away?

ADV: That's best.

ADV: And if he doesn't answer my knock, worst?

ADV: Then let him eat cake.

AG: If the pimp comes out, what then? Shall I ask him 415

if my slave is inside or not?

ADV: Why not?

AG: He'll completely deny it.

ADV: On oath--why not?

AG: He'll convict himself of theft!

ADV: Doubtless--why not?

AG: But I'm telling you -- but -- come on, now --

ADV: Why not? Why not? Whynotwhynot?

AG: The hell with you! 420

ADV: Why not with you?

AG: I'll go and knock on the door now.

ADV: Why not?

AG: Silence! The doors are creaking.

I see that pimp Lycus coming out.

Stay near, I beg you.

ADV: Why not? if you want,

let's cover our heads, so the pimp won't recognize us-- 425

it's we who got him into such a mess.
 

3.5

(Lycus enters from his house.)

LY: Let all the soothsayers go hang themselves!

since they kept telling me of all the

doom and destruction hanging over my head,

while I've been making myself a fortune! 430

AG: Good day, pimp.

LY: And a nice day to you, Agorastocles.

AG: I hope those in your house are doing well--except you.

LY: Oh, they're doing well enough--for me.

AG: Won't you give me your girl Adelphasium,

on this most festive Aphrodite Day? 435

LY: Tell me, was your lunch too hot?

AG: What's this?

LY: Since you're wagging your tongue to cool it down.

AG: Take this, pimp: I've heard a slave of mine

is with you.

LY: With me? You're sadly mistaken.

AG: Liar! He ran away to you, and gave you gold. 440

So I've been informed by most reliable sources.

LY: Villain! You've come to sue me, and with witnesses.

But I have no one nor no thing of yours.

AG: Remember that, witnesses!

ADV: Remember it.

LY: A-hah! Now I see what's up and see right through it! 445

These here who kept tipping me off

about that stranger from Fort Bragg--now their blood boils

since it's me who's made the money off him!

They knew this guy was an enemy of mine,

so they got him to say that his money 450

and his slave were at my place.

They hatched the plot to get the money for themselves.

Like they were taking candy from a baby! Fools!

ADV: You're finished, pimp. For she is this man's slave--

we told you she was a man from Fayetteville. 455

And his gold is in your pouch.

LY: Damn you!

ADV: You're the damned one.

AG: Hand over the pouch now, you thief!

You're caught red-handed. (to the Adv.) Give me a hand--

wait till you see me bring my slave out from here. (Ag. exits into Lycus' house.) 460

LY: Now I'm finished, there's no doubt about it.

Damn! Those soothsayers of mine were the real thing.

When they promise something good, it takes forever.

Their bad promises arrive on time.

Now I'll go, and ask my friends for the best way 465

to go and hang myself. (He exits.)
 

3.6

(Agorastocles enters from Lycus' house, leading Collybisca, and expecting to see Lycus.)

AG: Go out, so the witnesses can see you leaving here.

How now, pernicious pimp!

ADV: He took off.

AG: Off to hell, I hope.

CO: What about me?

AG: Take off all that stuff you're wearing.

You've treated me right, advocates. 470

Wait till tomorrow, and I'll see you in court.

Farewell to you. (Heexits.)

ADV: Farewell to you.

That man seeks to injure us for no reason.

That's the way your rich man operates:

if you do him a favor, his thanks are lighter than air; 475

if you wrong him, his anger is forged in iron.

So, if you please, let's go off home right now. (They exit.)

4.1

(Milphio enters ,alone.)

MI. I'm dying to destroy this pimp plaguing my poor master.

It's sheer misery to be a lover's slave when he can't get what he wants.

What's that!?! I see Syncerastus, the pimp's eunuch, 480

returning from the temple. I'll listen in on what he says.
 

4.2

(Syncerastus enters, carrying a large sack, and does not see Mi.)

SYNCERASTUS. There's no worse con-man in all the world

than my master; he's scum-covered slime.

What a den of sin he runs! Good god,

you'd swear you were in Times Square: 485

soldiers and sailors, robbers and runaways--

he welcomes all types; and in the dark corners

at our place they drink and eat just like it was a two-bit tavern!

MI. (aside) I'd like to talk to him--but then I'd have to listen too.

SY. When I see this it makes me mad. 490

Now I've lugged back this bag of goodies from Venus' temple--

All my master's offerings couldn't please her on her own holiday.

MI. (aside) Way to go Venus!

SY. Then the girls of our house won over the goddess

with their very first sacrifice.

MI. (aside) Way to go Venus again!

SY. Now I'm headed home. 495

MI. (louder, but still hiding) Hey, Syncerastus!

SY. Who's calling 'Syncerastus'?

MI. Your friend.

SY. No friend of mine would waste my time.

MI. Waste it and I'll lend you a hand any time you want.

You can count on it.

SY. If that happens, I'll do you a favor in return.

MI. What's that?

SY. The next time I'm to be whipped, you can lend me your back.

But let's not beat around the bush--what sort of man are you? 500

MI. I'm wicked.

SY. Good for you.

MI. One second.

SY. But my bag is heavy.

MI. Put it down and look me in the eye.

What are you doing anyway?

SY. Something unusual for adulterers caught in the sack.

MI. What's that?

SY. I'm bringing my bag home safe and sound.

MI. I hope the gods destroy you and your master.

SY. Oh my god no, not me! I could make them destroy my master though,

if I wanted to; but I'm afraid, Milphio. 505

MI. What is it? Tell me.

SY. O may Juppiter bless me . . .

MI. And you certainly deserve his blessing . . .

SY. Since I want to destroy this pimp's whole business.

MI. Why not float like a butterfly, sting like a bee . . .

SY. But without feathers it's not easy. My limbs are featherless.

MI. For goodness sakes, stop plucking at them. After two months' growth,

flap those stinking armpits and you'll soar. 510

SY. Go to hell!

MI. Go yourself and take your master with you!

SY. I'd easily convince myself to trust you, if I didn't already know you.

MI. I'll take the heat, trust me.

SY. I will, if I have to.

I'm afraid, Milphio.

If my master hears I whispered a word of this to anyone

instead of Syncerastus he'll make me Syncer-bashed-up. 515

MI. Scout's honor . . .

tell me all -- this is a good time and place -- it's just you and me.

SY. Adelphasium, the girl your master loves, is freeborn.

MI. What?!?

SY. And so is her sister.

MI. I can't believe this! 520

SY. He bought them as little girls in Anactorium

from a Sicilian pirate, with their nurse Giddenis as part of the package.

The pirate said he was unloading hot property

and that they had been born free in Carthage.

MI. Almighty gods,

I can't believe what I'm hearing. My Agorastocles was also born there,

then kidnapped, and at last the one who snatched him 525

brought him here and sold him to my old master.

SY. That will help. Since they're from they same country,

Agorastocles should free the girls.

He'll certainly checkmate the pimp if he stole those girls away.

May the gods put an end to my days of slaving for this pimp!

MI. By Hercules, you'll be my fellow freedman, god willing. 530

SY. May the gods will it so. Is there anything else, Milphio?

MI. Just farewell and good luck.

SY. This is in your hands now.

Goodbye--and be careful to keep this all hushhush (He exits.).

MI. Not a word. Bye.

You've given us a break and just in time.

He's gone. The immortal gods want my master saved and this pimp wrecked: 535

To speed his destruction along even faster

I'll go inside and tell my master all of this (He exits into Ag.'s house)
 

5.1

(Enter Hanno, accompanied by two slaves, one male and one female.)

HANNO. I offer up my prayer to the deities of this town:

That I act rightly in coming to this place, 540

that I find my daughters, and my brother's only son,

gods, grant that it be so, I do beseech thee.

Now, Antidamas was once my friend here,

but they say he's done his final duty.

His son, I've heard, is Agorastocles, 545

and here's a matching amulet I've brought for him.

I'm sure this neighborhood is where he lives.

I'll ask those two who're coming out of doors.
 

5.2

(Enter Agorastocles and Milphio. They do not notice Hanno, who listens in as they speak to each other.)

AG. You're sure, Milphio, that Syncerastus said

they were both freeborn at Carthage, 550

and kidnapped?

MI. I'm sure, and if you want to do right by them,

you should free those girls now.

HA. (to the heavens) Immortal Gods, I beseech you,

what is this sweet speech my ears gulp down?

AG. If only there'd been a witness, I could do as you say. 555

MI. Why not me as a witness? Why not show a little courage?

But . . .what sort of bird do we have here? Is that a dress he's got on

or did he find a beach towel at the baths?

AG. From all appearances he's Punic.

MI. Butt ugly, if you ask me.

And those slaves of his sure are run-down. 560

AG. How do you know?

MI. They can hardly keep up with him, they're so bagged.

And I suspect they're fingerless.

AG. Why's that?

MI. Because they walk around with rings in their ears.

HA. (aside) I'll approach them and talk in Punic. 565

If they answer, I'll keep on speaking Punic.

If not, I'll do as the Romans do.

MI. Say, do you remember any Punic?

AG. Of course not. Tell me, how could I know any Punic,

when I left Carthage at the age of six?

HA. (aside) O Immortal Gods, many a freeborn child 570

has disappeared from Carthage just like this!

MI. Say . . .

AG. What?

MI. What if I speak to him in Punic?

AG. You know Punic?

MI. Is there a Punier Punic on display, than the Milphio before you here today?

AG. Go to him and say hello, ask him what he wants, why he came,

who he is, who's with him, where he's from -- don't leave out a thing. 575

MI. (approaching Hanno) Hello. How many men are with you and what's your hometown?

HA. (speaking in Punic) Mother of Baal! this one speaks a little Carthaginian!

I'm Hanno, I'm from Carthage.

AG. What did he say?

MI. He's Hanno from Carthage, the son of the Carthaginian Mythumballis. 580

HA. (in Punic) Hello.

MI. He says 'Greetings'.

HA. (in Punic) Don't know much Punic, do you?

MI. Don . . . to . . . token . . .

He'd like to donate a small token of affection. Did you hear him promise?

AG. Greet this man again in Punic, but in my own words.

HA. (in Punic) Maybe you could help me . . . 585

MI. Uuuugh. Better you than me.

AG. What is it?

MI. It's clear he has a disease of the jaw.

Perhaps he thinks we're doctors.

AG. If he does, say we're not; I'd hate to have a stranger misinformed.

Ask him what he wants.

MI. You, who have no belt,

why have you come to this city and what do you seek? 590

HA. (in Punic) My reason for . . .

AG. What was that . . .

HA. (in Punic) A friend . . .

AG. What did he say?

MI. Didn't you hear? My . . . Mi . . . mice. A fri . . . afri . . . African mice!

He'll give you some African mice for the parade at your aedile games.

HA. (in Punic) Look! Can you stop being such a nuisance!

AG. What now?

MI. He's got . . . used stock, beanstalks, and new sauce. 595

He wants your help in selling them.

AG. Must be a merchant.

HA. (in Punic) This is hopeless!

MI. And prosperous too!

HA. (in Punic) I might as well just speak to you in Latin!

MI. Uh-oh! You better do

what he asks.

AG. What did he say, what did he ask? Tell me.

MI. That you have him put beneath the rack, 600

and lay huge rocks on it until he's crushed to death.

HA. (in Punic) No, I did not say that you should pile rocks on me until I die.

AG. Tell me, what is it?

What is he saying?

MI. I don't have a clue.

HA. (now in Latin) So you can understand, from now on I'll speak Latin. 605

You must be an evil and worthless slave,

you who mock visitors from abroad.

MI. And you are a sly swindler

who came here to trick us, you slimeball

slinking around like a snake with a forked tongue. 610

AG. Away with your insults--and lock up that mouth!

I won't have you abusing my kinsman.

I too was born at Carthage, so you may know.

HA. O my compatriot, greetings.

AG. And to you as well, whoever you are.

Since we're both from Carthage, if you need anything, 615

your word is my command.

HA. Thank you.

Do you happen to know a young man named Agorastocles?

AG. I'm the very one you're looking for!

HA. What's this!?! What am I hearing?

AG. I am Antidamas' son.

HA. If that's true, show me the token

of friendship which our two families shared. Here's my half. 620

AG. Let's see it. It's exactly like mine!

HA. My friend, it's good to see you! I say friend since

Your father Antidamas was my own father's dear friend.

AG. Then you'll be staying with me.

For I'll still recognize our ties of hospitality 625

and my native city, Carthage.

HA. May the gods give you everything you desire.

But tell me, how could it be that you were born

in Carthage?

AG. I was kidnapped. Then your dear friend Antidamas

bought me and adopted me as his son. 630

HA. Tell me, do you remember the names of your parents?

AG. Ampsigura was my mother, Iahon my father.

HA. Would that your father and mother were alive!

AG. Are they dead?

HA. Yes. It was difficult to bear.

For your mother Ampsigura was my second cousin. 635

Your father was my cousin.

But if this is so, and you are Iahon's son,

you should have a mark on your left hand,

where a monkey bit you as a boy.

Hold it out: I'll examine it. Gods and goddesses, my nephew! 640

AG. My uncle, it's so good to see you!

HA. And it's good to see you, Agorastocles.

Finding you, I feel like I've been reborn.

MI. I'm glad things have turned out well so for you.

I've just thought up a clever little scam.

HA. What is it? 645

MI. We need your help.

HA. Whatever you need, tell me.

What's the matter?

MI. Can you be crafty?

HA. To an enemy I can, but with a friend it's folly.

MI. This one has an enemy.

HA. I'll gladly do him in.

MI. He's also in love with a girl from that pimp's place.

HA. So that's why he hates the pimp so much.

MI. This pimp lives next door. 650

HA. I'll gladly do him in.

MI. He has two slave-girls, sisters, for his business.

Our boy wastes away with love for one of the girls

though he's never touched her.

HA. O bitter love!

MI. Now I've come up with a plan; here's the trick:

we'll have you say that the girls are your daughters 655

stolen away from Carthage as little girls.

You'll claim to free them

as if they were really yours. Got it?

HA. I understand too well. For I had two little daughters

stolen away together with their nurse. 660

MI. He's got his part down beautifully.

HA. Better than I would wish.

MI. What a shrewd character!

So evil and merciless, crafty and cunning.

What torrents of tears! He's a sure success.

HA. Describe their nurse to me. 665

MI. Not too tall, with a complexion rather dark.

HA. That's her!

MI. Pleasant looking, with dark hair, dark cheeks and eyes.

HA. You've painted her portrait precisely in words.

MI. Do you want to see her?

HA. I'd rather see my daughters,

but go and call her. If they're really my daughters 670

and she's the nurse, I'll know it at once,

MI. (approaching Lycus' house) Hey, is anyone home? Have Giddenis come out.

There's someone here who wants to see her.
 

5.3

(The nurse Giddenis answers comes out.)

GI. Who's there?

MI. Your neighbor.

GI. What do you want?

MI. Well,

Do you know that man in the dress? 675

GI. (Entering, and looking at Ha.) Am I really seeing -- oh my goodness!

Here's my master, the father of our orphans,

Hanno, all the way from Carthage!

MI. Ain't she sly!

He's a certified and Hannibalic hypnotist--

he's boondoggled everyone just as he wished! 680

GI. Hanno -- why, I never imagined!

And your daughters, they -- oh, it's good to --

stop looking at me like that!

Don't you recognize your old maid Giddenis?

HA. Of course. But I'd love to know where my daughters are. 685

GI. At the temple of Venus.

HA. What can they be doing there?

GI. It's Aphrodite Day.

MI. I've got it now: they made their wish come true: their Dad's shown up.

AG. Wait a minute -- they're his daughters?

GI. You said it, honey.

(to Ha.) Your faithfulness has really helped us out, 690

since you came along here just in time --

otherwise they'd really have been call(ed) girls,

and they'd be punching a very low-class clock.

(Suddenly Hanno's slave boy recognizes Giddenis and speaks in Punic.)

PUER. Mommy!

GI. (in Punic) Baal be praised -- it's my boy!

AG. What are they saying to each other? 695

HA. Mother and son are exchanging hellos.

(to Mi.) You there -- take those slaves inside and have the nurse leave with you.

AG. Do what he says.

MI. Okay, I'm leaving.

AG. I'd rather you did it than fantasized about it.

My uncle's here, and now I want our dinner ready. 700

MI. (to Hanno's slaves) Get going -- back to work!

I'll make sure you enjoy your stay here.

(He exits taking Hanno's slaves with him.)

AG. Listen, uncle -- don't say I didn't ask you --

will you promise me your elder daughter's hand?

HA. Consider it done. 705

AG. I have your word on it?

HA. You have my word.

AG. Oh, uncle, now you really are part of the family!

Come on, now, if you want to see your daughters,

follow me.

HA. That has been my one desire ever since --

AG. Look! Here they are!

HA. Are these my daughters?

How small they were, now look how big they've grown! 710
 

5.4

(The girls enter, but--no surprise here--do not notice the others on stage.)

ADE. Whoever set his mind on beauty and came to see

the temple all dressed up got his money's worth today.

The smell there was intense

of costly myrrh and fragrant frankincense.

Venus, your day wasn't too shabby, and neither was your temple -- 715

All those clients came for the Venus of Calydon.

ANTE. As far as we're concerned,

we were really outstanding, and outstandingly blessed -- 720

and on that point, sister, everybody else has been a joke for years, but not us.

ADE. I'd rather not hear this from you but hear others praising us.

ANTE. I sure hope they do. 725

ADE. As do I, since I'm aware of our own and others' natures:

our birth behooves us to be fault-free. HA. (aside in prayer) Jove Almighty, provider and sustainer of mankind,

grant that this day be prosperous to my affairs:

To those whom I've missed these many years

and whom from their native land . . .

AG. (interrupting Ha.) I'll make sure Jupiter does everything; 730

he owes me one, and he's afraid of me.

HA. Silence, please.

AG. Don't cry, uncle.

ANTE. How sweet it is when one's called a complete success,

just as today we bested all the other beauties. 735

ADE. I wish you weren't so stupid, sister; do you really think you're so beautiful?

AG. (to Ha.) O uncliest of uncles!

HA. (to Ag.) What is it?

AG. (to Ha.) She's so glib and glamorous. What a mind!

HA. (to Ag.) She's a chip off the old block.

AG. (to Ha.) WHAT? She used up your smarts long ago. 740

Now her every thought is inspired by this love of mine (pointing to his heart).

ANTE. It's too wonderful, what the priest prophesied

about us from our offal offerings --

AG. (aside to Ha.) I wish he'd said something about me.

ANTE. -- that despite our master's wishes we'd soon be freed!

But unless the gods or Dad helps out, we don't have a prayer. 745

AG. Holy moly! Uncle, now I'm sure of it: the priest promised

them their freedom, 'cause he knows I love her.

ADE. Come on, sister.

ANTE. I'm coming.

HA. (approaching the sisters) Before you go off, I'd like a word with you two.

If it's no trouble, hold up a minute.

ADE. Who's calling us back?

AG. Someone who wishes you only the best.

ADE. He's got his chance.

But just who is he? 750

AG. A friend of yours.

ADE. Sure, as long as he's no enemy.

AG. He's a good man, my sweetie.

ADE. That beats a bad man.

AG. He wants to do many good things for you.

ADE. You'd do well to do us good girls good.

AG. Uncle mine, so help me god -- if I were Jupiter,

I'd take her as my wife and boot Juno out the door.

How chastely she spoke! So thoughtful and so tastefully! 755

What a nicely worded speech!

HA. She's definitely mine.

(aside to Ag.) Should I keep tricking them?

AG. (aside to Ha.) Make it quick; they also thirst who only sit and wait.

HA. (to the sisters) How now! Why aren't we doing what we must? To court, you two!

AG. Now I'll get my right revenge; I'll court you as my bride.

Now, I wanted to say . . . actually, I've said what I wanted. 760

HA. Enough! To court, you two! -- unless it's less shameful to be arrested.

ADE. Why are you hauling us to court?

ANTE. What do we owe you?

AG. You'll find out when you get there.

ADE. Even my own dogs howl at me now!

AG. Then come out and play with me --

Your kiss is my Alpo, your tongue my dear milk-bone.

I'll make a pet much tamer than a shrew, and all for you. 765

HA. (to the sisters) If you're going, let's go.

ANTE. What have we done to you?

HA. You're both thieves!

For years you've hidden my daughters from me secretly --

and they're high-class free-born citizens at that.

ADE. Goodness, you'll never find that fault in us.

AG. So there's no perjury, let's pledge that point with a plural pucker. 770

ADE. I'm not dealing with you -- bug off!

AG. But you have to deal with me;

he's my uncle, so I've got to take his side.

I'll swear the two of you are long-time thieves

who've kept his daughters home as slaves,

though they were clearly kidnapped from Carthage as kids. 775

ADE. Where are these daughters?

ANTE. Or who in the world --

AG. (aside to Ha.) I think they're sufficiently tenderized.

HA. (to Ag.) How about a full disclosure?

AG. (to Ha.) A fine idea, uncle.

ADE. I'm so afraid.

HA. Now, for the good the gods give to me, to you, to your mother,

it is right and salutary that we give these gods eternal thanks.

You are both my daughters, and this man your cousin, 780

my brother's son, Agorastocles.

ADE. O please,

they're not deluding us on with false hope, are they?

AG. So help me gods--

he is your father! Give him your hands.

ADE. Greetings, father whom we never hoped for, 785

let us embrace you.

ANTE. We've wanted and waited for you so long,

father, greetings!

ADE. We're both your daughters.

ANTE. We both get a hug!

AG. Who'll hug me now?

HA. I'm lucky at last;

this joy puts to rest all those long years of misery.

ADE. We can hardly believe it.

AG. Come on, can you enjoy hanging on his neck for so long?

(to Adel.) You at least let go--or he'll be throttled before he betroths you to me. 790

ADE. I'll let go.

ANTE. Dad, I've been looking forward to this for so long!

HA. Let's hold each other in a group hug (they all embrace).

AG. Ye painters, why you pass away too soon to paint by this example?

O Michelangelo! O Botticelli! O Rockwell! 795

HA. I thank thee, gods and goddesses, most gratefully and thankfully . . .
 

5.5

(Antamoenides interrupts him, storming onto stage from the pimp's house; he does not spot the others, of course.)

ANTA. If I don't get my revenge for the money I gave that pimp,

then let the talk-show tattlers label me a laughingstock.

Mr. Good-wretch brought me to his place for lunch

but then went out again and left me there like a butler. 800

Neither the pimp nor his girls came back,

and no one gave me anything to eat,

So I took a hefty rain check on lunch and came outside.

I swear, I'll get my money back from that poor pimp.

But in my present foul mood I'd like to meet my girl;

my fists will turn her all black and blue -- 805

I'll beat her full of blackitude, so she'll be blacker

than the Ethiopians carrying cauldrons 'round the ring.

ANTE. (aside to Ha.) Hold me tight, honey; I'm so afraid of hawks.

He's a nasty beast, and I hope he doesn't snatch your little chick away.

ADE. I can't hug you enough, Daddy! 810

ANTA. I'm wasting my time. (Now he sees them huddled together--)

But what's this? What is this? What is it? Can it be? How can it be?

Who's this guy in the long skirt, like a tavern-boy?

Am I seeing things? Is that my girl Anterastilis?

It sure is! I knew it; she's been messing with me for a long time.

It's shameful -- a broad and a bellhop hugging in broad daylight! 815

I'll handily hand him over to the executioner.

That's it -- I'll show this African queen.

(to Ha.) Hey, you, girlie! I'm talking to you! Aren't you ashamed?

What's your business with her? Speak up.

HA. Good day, young man. 820

ANTA. None of your business.

Why's your hand on her?

HA. That's the way I like it.

ANTA. You like it?

HA. That's right.

ANTA. Cut the crap, you cockle!

How dare you be her lover,

or even touch her; she's a real man's dish, you puny peewee!

you flayed flatfish, you moldy mundungus, 825

mouth-breather! Quiche-eater!

Your garlic aroma could level Tacoma!

AG. Young man! Since you're so offensive to him,

I hope your teeth aren't tingling -- or are you itching for a fight?

ANTA. Why don't you beat your bongos when you say that? 830

You look more like a fag than a real man to me.

AG. What's your proof that I'm a poof? Come on out, my slaves!

Bring your baseball bats! (Enter several husky slaves.)

ANTA. Hey, just a minute --

don't turn my little jokes into something serious.

ANTE. Antamoenides, how can you possibly enjoy 835

talking so rudely to our cousin and father?

Yes, he's our father; he's just recognized us

and his nephew.

ANTA. Why, it's my lucky day!

I'm delighted by any disaster that punishes the pimp 840

-- and thanks to that, you're sitting pretty.

AG. (noticing Lycus' entrance) Ah, I see that model citizen's coming home.

Let's read him his rights!

HA. No, no.

AG. Why not?

HA. It'd be much better to read him his wrongs.
 

5.6 & 5.7

LY. (aside) As I see it, no one gets bad advice 845

if he tells his friends the whole truth;

all my friends agreed that I should go and hang myself

before I became a slave to Agorastocles.

AG. Tell it to the judge, pimp.

LY. Oh, please, Agorastocles,

just let my go and hang myself. 850

HA. Off to court with you!

LY. What have you got against me?

HA. These two free and free-born girls

are my daughters, kidnapped as infants with their nurse.

LY. Now that you mention it, I've been aware of that for years,

and it's strange how no one ever came to claim them. 855

AG. You owe me double for your theft.

LY. Make your withdrawal from here (pointing to his neck).

HA. And you owe me plenty of penalties.

LY. Make your withdrawal from here (pointing to his neck).

I'll settle all my debts with my neck, like a porter.

Let me come near. (taking Ag. by the knees) By your knees, I beg you

and this man, who I see is your relative: 860

since you're kind people, do the kind of thing kind people do,

and have mercy on your mendicant.

AG. I'll counsel myself on what I should do.

Meanwhile, let go of me.

LY. (releasing his knees) Your wish is my command.

ANTA. Hey you! Pimp! 865

LY. I'm already busy; what do you need from a pimp?

ANTA. Give me back my money before you land in jail.

LY. Gods help me!

ANTA. They will -- you'll be dining somewhere else.

You owe us three things at once, pimp:

your gold, your silver, and your neck.

HA. I wonder what to do about all this;

if I want to press my claim on him, I'd be in a foreign court, 870

and I've seen quite enough of how these people are.

ADE. Dad, please don't bother dealing with that nasty, nasty man.

ANTE. Listen to her; end your feud with that slimeball.

HA. Listen here, pimp: although I'm well aware that you should die,

I'm not going to bother with you. 875

AG. Nor will I; if you give me my money

after you get out of jail -- you can go to prison!

LY. Same as ever, eh?

ANTA. Mr. Punic, I'd like to have a clean record with you.

If I've said anything offensive to you,

please forgive it; and this discovery of your daughters,

hallelujah! It makes me very very happy. 880

HA. You have my forgiveness and my trust.

ANTA. You, pimp, had better give me my money or your girl.

LY. How about my flute-girl?

ANTA. I've got no time for your flute-girl;

you can't tell which is bigger, her jowls or her jugs.

LY. I'll give you a nice one.

ANTA. Make sure.

LY. (to Ag.) You'll get your money back tomorrow.

AG. You'd better not forget it. 885

LY. (to Anta.) Let's go where it's private, private.

ANTA. Oh, I'll come all right. (He and Lycus exit into Lycus'house.)

AG. Uncle, what do you think? When should we go back to Carthage?

I'm certainly going to go with you.

HA. As soon as we possibly can.

AG. You'll have to stay here a few days while I sell the house.

HA. As you please.

AG. Come on, then; let's go and make ourselves at home. (Exit all.) 890

PRAECO: (to the audience) Applause, please!

NOTE: The Set

We have adopted the traditional Roman three upstage entrance set with access from stage left and stage right. Roman and Greek stages had these three doors and two side entrances as permanent features of the scaena, though it was apparently painted or decorated for individual shows. (Some shows may even have used prop buildings in front of the permanent scaena.)

For our play on a modern stage, we chose to use flats of the two houses specifically referred to in the play with an added decorative arch over the traditional alleyway between the houses providing the main upstage entrance. Agorastocles' house at stage right, may look too bright and gaudy for our tastes, but its color is intended to convey the rather modest appearance of terra-cotta clay. The garlands are suggested by many wall paintings which show this kind of treatment.

The modest tree and the milestone reading AD PORTVM to stage right of this house suggest the traditional stage right entrance to the stage for one coming from the port or the country, i.e. anything out of town.

The pimp's house while it may look somewhat more modest in color to our eyes is a simple plaster style, but is covered with graffiti, about which more below. Incidentally, the roof tiles are intended to convey the genuine article from Roman times as evidenced in ruins all over Italy.

To stage left of this house is a set of columns with entablature to give the effect of a basilica, a public building with offices or shops. This effect is useful because it indicates the stage left entrance from the city or forum. Our milestone below reads IN IVS and AD AEDEM VENERIS since the courts and the temple of Venus are the primary structures in town referred to in this play.

1.1

lines M = Milphio, Ag = Agorastocles

6 Ag's overacted pleading with M is a perfect introduction to his character which is excessive in all things. He is, of course, buttering up M with abject gratitude, to get him to help.

7-8 M is very sassy with the word blandidicus, mimicking the "sweet-talking" nature of Ag when he wants something. M also explains that Ag has beaten him and given him terrible lumps on his back. This line inspired me to cast M as a hunchback, with a very fake looking hump, throughout the show.

9-12 Ag tries to brush away his guilt with a fatherly punishing-this-hurts-me-more- than-it-does-you attitude.

13 Ag twirls about like the love-struck adulescens that he is.

18 Ag wipes his hands on his tunic to indicate the sliminess of the pimp.

19-21 Milphio shows himself to be a mock gift to Lycus, the leno, by putting a bow on his head.

26-27 To show that he will give Ag the entire household of Lycus, including Adelphasium, by means of a trick, M runs to the pimp's house, puts the bow on the wall, and delivers his line in a game show host voice.

28 M has thought of using Collybisca as part of the trick, but since I cast a woman in this role originally written for a male we added an extra level of humor to the trick. Collybisca would dress up as a man, Collybiscus. Incidentally the name Collybiscus is appropriately related to the Greek word for "money bag."

31-42 M acts out his scheme.

32 M points stage right on peregrinum because in Roman comedy, off stage right was out of town, toward the countryside or to the port, i.e. where foreigners come from.

38 M points out that when the pimp is asked whether Ag's slave is in his house, Lycus will deny it, so on negabit, M gives us a first sample of how nasty a tone of voice a pimp should have in Roman comedy.

39-40 M physically acts out catching Lycus as a red-handed thief, throwing himself to his knees, then dragging himself to court by the neck. Ag is briefly asked to play the role of judge, praetor.

41 To show Lycus being trapped in a symbolic pit, M, playing Lycus, jumps off the stage into a real pit, brushing his hands with successful completion of the capture.

43 Satisfied, Ag prepares himself for girl watching at the Aphrodisia by putting on a sexy, but very strange, boa and mocking a couple of slaps of after-shave on his cheeks.

49-52 Happy that he will get to abuse Lycus, M peels a brown banana as a substitute for the pimp himself. He will hurl the pimp from his symbolic catapult, which he loads and fires at the pimp's house just as Adelphasium, Anterastilis and their maid arrive from there.

57-58 It is simply a standard of Plautine comedy that characters must hide on one side of the stage from others so that some comic comments and business can go on while other actors perform without the first set being noticed. It is really for no other reason than this that M keeps Ag from approaching Adelphasium on this line.

1.2

lines Ad = Adelphasium Ante = Anterastilis Ag = Agorastocles M = Milphio anc = ancilla

59-71 Ad's opening speech (which in the original would have been a song) is an extended complaint about how long it takes a woman to get ready in the morning. As she runs down the list of washing and scrubbing and primping and preening, Ante is being made up by the ancilla and is inadvertently poked in the eye. Such a preachy passage is typical of Ad's prudish, snobby attitude almost throughout the play.

72-75 Ante is a ditzy California Valley girl (thus her voice) whose primary concern is attracting loverboys (amatorculos ). So she gives a sexy inference of her interests in guys.

77-78 Ad preaches primarily to her sister, moralizing regularly while ignoring her own faults. To convey this attitude of priggishness she puts on a Mary Poppins voice to give her most obnoxious mini-sermons.

79-85 This would have originally been a little song too in response to Ad's entrance. Ante compares the attentions women must pay to themselves to the preparation of salted fish. So she mistreats her ancilla here as the smelly fish that must be soaked and beaten before it's edible.

87 M, always hungry, hearing about this preparation, and so thinking her an excellent cook with a great recipe, pulls a delicious fish from his bag which Ag then uses to slap him. What would comedy be without someone getting hit with a fish?

91-92 Ad asks Ante if she has prepared everything for the festivities. She has and goes to get the pitcher of wine which will be used for a libation (drink-offering) to Venus.

97-98 Ag is in a stupor of love, so M tests to see if he's sick by feeling for his pulse.

103-104 Ad scornfully shows her contempt for all the "lowly" prostitutes unlike herself.

105 M mocks Ad because he dislikes her sense that she is a better slave than everyone else.

112 Ante gazes in the mirror as she too laments how overdone their makeup and dress are. She exhibits the classic Valley Girl gesture "Gag me!" - putting her finger to her mouth and retching.

116 Conveniently enough, a fake rock is available for Ag's statement that Ad could charm a rock.

119 When Ag tells M to shut up for good he tapes his mouth shut.

123-127 Ad gets preachy again so Ante mocks her sermonizing. The anc continues to try getting them ready with a curling iron (Yes, the Romans had them, but naturally not with cords).

129-131 M gets a chance to show his love of food (particularly cookies, crackers, and nuts) and drink.

135 The anc's one line: Ag has just insulted her by saying she's not worth a hello. Of course, such attitudes toward slaves were very common.

141 Ag has his mind on one thing; Ad refuses him over and over again.

142 I didn't often rewrite the original Latin, but this line needed it. The original was simply an obtuse metaphor for " I'll never go with you." so I wrote a Plautine version of "I'll be yours when pigs fly." (lit. On the day that pigs take up swift wings.)

145 M in his own way mocks how Ad is getting the better of Ag.

148 In false tones Ad proclaims that she's ritually clean (pura), which may also be interpreted as "I'm a good girl." or more directly "I'm a virgin." In the strictest terms she is, in fact, on her way to a ceremony for prostitutes so she is supposed to be "clean" when she sacrifices, but here in her case the word carries double meaning. Note also that Ante helps by holding up a mock halo over her pious sister's head.

152 While Ag encourages M to go butter up Ad for him, Ante is helping Ad get up the nerve to go in swinging at Ag who never delivers on his promises. So naturally the two parties comically pass each other on the way to their respective tasks. This move is also reminiscent of so many cartoons where those fighting run full steam past each other.

160 M's cute list of pet names, as in modern times, includes "my honey" and "my sweetheart" so naturally M's mind turns to his love, Food.

167 M takes his lover role too far and receives an unwelcome indication of Ad's displeasure.

173-179 Ag reuses M's "loving" language to physically get M back for every misused phrase. Then he teaches M the proper use of demonstrative vs. personal pronouns.

179-183 Of course, M gives asides to the audience in which he tells his real feelings about Ad while delivering every other line to Ad as Ag had instructed.

187 Ad gives Ag a warning about how she treated the last guy that tried to kiss her (i.e. Milphio).

1.3

lines Ag = Agorastocles M = Milphio

194ff Ag returns to his obsequious search for help from M getting caught up in handshakes and attempt to give M the 3 Stooges treatment in the eyes. (One of the 3 Stooges would poke 2 fingers in another stooge's eyes while the recipient of this gesture would try to block it by putting a hand before his nose so the other's fingers would not reach his eyes.) M also responds with Curly's typical "Nyack, Nyack, Nyack!" which he delivered whenever he bested Moe or Larry.

203 In an Igor-like "I'm going" Ag imitates his hunchbacked slave. Fugio, of course, is also a pun here, for it would be the verb for a slave's escape from his master. In effect, Ag is saying, "OK I'm the slave. You tell me what to do." So M says, "Hey, running away is my job."

204ff Love struck Ag just won't leave and mutters on in pseudo-poetic language, even throwing in a little Catullus for good measure.

2.1

lines L= Lycus Anta = Antamoenides

Note: The lighting is intentionally a dark blue for the pimp's scenes in order to give a sinister tone to his appearance on the stage as if he causes a black cloud of bad luck and evil to hang over all. Unfortunately this effect, which was originally intended for the live play, not video, is a little too dark, but it usually works quite well.

224, 229 L is speaking of sacrifices so he brings back a tray with choice exta (innards) and the leftovers of a libation. It was quite common for select pieces of the sacrifice to be saved by the worshipper to eat at home. The innards were often made into sausages or eaten as delicacies themselves. (Our prop for the exta was, as a matter of fact, a real sausage casing with jello inside. It was smelling pretty bad by the time we taped this.)

230 Haruspices were those priests who read animal organs for signs of the future, the palm readers and soothsayers of their day. L is sick of them prophesying against him so he imitates them by pulling his hood up over his head (a traditional Roman priestly gesture at sacrifice) and holding up the innards. (A brief note about L's costume: the bright orange and purple that L wears is only suggestive of the flashy, excessive dress of questionable taste that modern pimps wear. I have no good evidence that lenones dressed much differently than the average business class person, though some must have been lower than others.)

233 L uses the money he has made (his favorite thing in the world) to show that the haruspices are wrong, but then the money reminds him of the obnoxious person who paid this fee.

235 The soldier's very presence boosts the lights up. (Note about Anta's costume: remembering that this is supposed to be a Greek soldier in a Roman play, and not a Roman legionnaire, we can be afforded a few more liberties. We gave him a saffron-yellow tunic instead of the Roman red as a nice contrast to the red chlamys, the military cloak referred to several times in this play. His helmet, breastplate, and sword are necessary, but clearly comic in their appearance, not authentic.)

236 The original imaginary campaign described by Anta in the Poenulus was a pugna Pentetronica, a nonsensical name. Because of the similarity of sound I changed this to pugna Panamanica to give a slight reference to the relatively recent, but forgettable, "Operation Just Cause", the search for Manuel Noriega in Panama.

245-248 Anta's story is farfetched indeed, but he tells it with verve, killing the "flying men," stabbing and stamping on them when they're down, and checking to see if they're dead yet.

252 The soldier can't wait to partake of the exta inside, so he takes a bit now. Yes, this was intended to be disgusting to modern teenage audiences, though the ancients would have seen nothing disgusting about it.

254ff L's repeated signs of disbelief anger Anta, but also fluster him so that he can do little better than mildly curse at the leno who is just not interested in his tales. Notice that this indifference is enhanced by L's use of Anta's breastplate as a mirror to satisfy his own vanity.

258-259 We apologize for the crudeness of this soldier's gesture, but we felt it was comparatively mild and in keeping with the soldier's character. He is no prude and his request for a cute girl to spend time with is far from innocent.

NOTE: The graffiti on the pimp's house.

Pompeii's ruins have shown us that walls along public streets were often covered with everything from "John loves Jane" to political billboards, notices of gladiatorial combats, and classified personal ads. Our artistic coordinator imitated the most common Latin script found in Pompeii, so its is somewhat genuine. Some of the slogans on our wall are also real ones, including the drawing of the chicken which you may see there from time to time. You can also see the lines "Romanes eunt domus" a poor piece of Latin which is the center of a short skit from Monty Python's "Life of Brian" imitating the traditional British grammar teacher and his hapless pupil.

3.1

lines Ag = Agorastocles Adv = witnesses (Throughout this act individual witnesses will be designated by the colors they wear in our production: Green = Tardus, Blue = Tardior, Rose = Tardissimus)

NOTE: Roman advocati in Ciceronian times were professional pleaders in court, lawyers or advocates, but in Plautus' day the term implied "assistants, helpers, or witnesses (in Latin, testes)." They are to be hired here as professional witnesses, and thus should be considered just as untrustworthy as that term and their actions imply. They are freeborn people, but low on the social scale as their mooching habits indicate.

On the stage the 3 Adv are a mish-mash of comic ideas that work quite well. They are as close to a comic chorus as you'll see in all of Plautus. Their actual number is unknown, but I chose the convenient and thoroughly defensible number three. I also have no absolute way of knowing whether part of the lines assigned to the Adv were delivered by individual members of the group or by the group as a unit, or a mix of the two (I chose this last idea of mixing lines in and out of the group to give flavor and variety to the deliveries while maintaining the "cookie cutter" similarity of the three.) Their clothes are nearly identical thought different colors to present a uniformity to their part. They wear cheap looking false beards as intentionally poor disguises and just for fun.

Most importantly the 3 wear signs reading: TARDVS, TARDIOR, TARDISSIMVS for two reasons: 1) it's fun to see a paradigm used on stage, 2) Ag all but suggests it in his opening speech here (ll.262-268). He has a lengthy joke about how slow they are to get to work for him and he actually uses tardo, tardiores, and tardissimus in that order in the speech. This creates perfect intros for them. To imitate and ridicule the whole idea of their sluggishness, I had them wear sneakers and had them enter the stage dancing a little stuttering/ shuffling step to an internal Conga rhythm.

269 As their intro the Adv sing the 3 Stooges famous "Hello, hello, hello" in Latin.

270 The 3 clearly feel that Ag treats them like slaves though they are freedmen. They mock the idea of waiting on him hand and foot by playing the puppet on a string licking his feet (I intentionally added this interpretation to play off the similarity between pendo (l 273)"to weigh" and pendeo "to hang."

280 At the very mention of lunch the Adv are picking at Ag for any scraps they can get. They are after all mooching leeches. The parasite was a common character in Plautine comedy. In this play the role of parasite is split between Milphio and these 3.

287 I changed ramites to clunes because to a modern audience the idea of "not busting one's lungs for another" doesn't make any sense, but "busting one's butt" does. In keeping with this sentiment the Adv knock Ag on his butt and "moon" him and the audience. They aren't very high class.

290 Note the nervous laughter at per iocum indicating the attempt to get the Adv to accept

Ag's words in jest. They respond with similarly sarcastic laughs showing that they don't take it as a joke.

295 One of many meta-theatrical moments. The plot to trap the pimp is told and retold to keep it fresh in the audience's mind. If we keep in mind how rowdy these Plautine audiences were, the plot repetition makes sense. But the Adv make a joke out of this convention of repeating the plot by saying, "Yes, we know the plot, just make sure the audience does."

298 Since the Adv are continuing the jokes about being trained actors they say, " Yes, we learned our lines at the same time as you, so of course we know what we're supposed to say." As a little inside classicist's joke, we had all four of these actors check their lines against their scripts, which happen to be the notorious Loeb translations of classical texts.

298-299 Yes, this line is altered from the original to say that old joke line "so I know that you know that I know that you know..." ad nauseam like most of Ag's lines.

[301] Pantomime: This mime is to replace a retelling of the plot for the umpteenth time. The actors therefore act out their roles. ROSE plays the pimp, BLUE plays Ag, and GREEN plays Collybisca. Collybisca, the slave, gets money from Ag. The slave will then go whoop it up at Lycus' house. Ag will show up to ask whether Lycus has seen Ag's slave who got away with money. Lycus thinks that Ag is talking about Milphio (indicated by the hump) and so he will deny any knowledge of this. But Ag knew that Lycus would never have met Collybisca, another of his slaves. Therefore, Lycus is caught by Ag for entertaining his slave on his money. Yes, it's entrapment, but this is the kind of legal sting that Romans loved since they were rather legal minded people. These plots around legal subjects are clearly part of the Roman additions of local color to these originally Greek comedies.

3.2

lines M= Milphio C = Collybisca Ag = Agorastocles Adv = witnesses

NOTE: M has prepped C who is dressed as a soldier to fool the pimp. I cast her as a woman to make the idea of her fooling someone into thinking she was a male soldier even more ludicrous. She wears a child's helmet, which M put on her incorrectly, and a Volvo hubcap as her breastplate (The joke we intended of Volvo "I roll" on the hubcap never translated to the audience because we couldn't find a hubcap big enough to be read at a distance. Oh well!).

310 M is clearly disappointed with Ag's selection of these poor excuses for witnesses. They get fighting mad and he wants to go at them too.

314 Again I intend a pun on the line omne in ordine , "everything's set. Since ordo is also "line or row", the 3 Adv take this as a cue to line up military-style for inspection by "General" M and his copy cat C.

321 The anxious Adv make a grab for the money which is the subject of this whole trick.

Again the Adv play to the audience with their admission that the money is only prop money, not real. We used chocolate coins and big washers so they could have fun with the money on stage. ROSE actually ate hers.

326 The logical progression of things the Adv would teach C: how to love, drink, and behave in a thoroughly Greek (i.e. raunchy) fashion. The 3 do a little lewd dance to show what they think "Greeking it up" is like.

328 Everyone is sick of Ag delaying his exits with nothing to say, so they just cart him off stage.

329 Plautine doors seem always to have creaked at just the right time to let everyone know that someone was coming on stage, so those on stage had better hide.

330 The constant attempts of people on Plautine stages to hide from others must have sometimes produced knots of people comically bumping into one another.

3.3

lines L = Lycus Adv = Advocati C = Collybisca Ag = Agorastocles

333 Note that L is still talking back through the door to his guest, Antamoenides. The Adv are playing one potato, two potato to see who gets the "honor" of greeting L.

336 L is sure he's found another miles to lure into his house.

338 Adv make no bones about expressing how much they dislike the pimp. Even his handshake provokes disgust and the necessity of wiping of his slime. Also in the Latin word order a confusion is possible in this line where I treat the character ROSE as one who almost gives away the feminine gender of C. She says "quamquam hanc..." which BLUE misinterprets as the beginnings of her making a reference to a feminine C, so he yanks her back away to save the plot. Note that ROSE does make this mistake at line 350.

345 IN acting out their words of contempt the Adv turn their backs on L on the beat of their words.

347-348 Each Adv turns back around to face L on the delivery of another contemptuous expression for L.

350 ROSE almost gives away C's sex with the mistaken "hanc." GREEN saves the mistake with emphasis on hunc indicating that C is male.

354 C's observations of the trap set for L (whose name in Greek means "wolf") are acted out by the Adv behind his back.

355ff Adv are making up their story about C as they go. The AD PORTVM sign is used as a prompt by C to allow GREEN to continue her story. The talk quickly turns to services that only L could provide for this foreigner.

365 We tried to get across that the Adv in making up the story about C were saying he was from Ft. Bragg. It never caught on as a joke and we apologize for misusing fortis just because it sounded right.

367 L in gratitude gives 2 Adv a kiss, but the one clearly male adv keeps L. at arm's length.

369 The taunting jingle of this line is supposed to convey a child's "Nanny nanny boo boo," as would be appropriate to the maturity level of the Adv.

373 C even sounds like she's delivering rehearsed lines in a badly delivered lower voice. An intentionally bad actor to convey a bad plot seemed appropriate.

377 The hiding on stage has clearly gotten out of hand at this point, so it seemed funny to have all 3 Adv try to hide behind this insignificant bush.

379 A kick in the butt from an ass.

383 The disgustingly greasy pimp is at his oiliest here.

389 In offering wine to C we see that L's cellar is stocked with only the best.

394 Surely the Roman heus tu would have sounded like our "Yoo Hoo."

One must ask here though why Plautus would find it necessary to call out Ag to witness the exchange of money when he had hired the Adv to do that for him. Presumably Plautus wants the confrontation between L and all parties.

3.4

lines L = Lycus Ag = Agorastocles C = Collybisca Adv = witnesses

396 I did write the visual joke about looking to one's other right. Nearly everyone got this joke when it was performed. It also allowed us to play with an amateur actor's common confusion between stage right and stage left.

404 Again our attempts at local humor were rough at best. The idea here is that C can't remember where the Adv said she was stationed so she blurts out the next best North Carolina military base after Ft. Bragg -- Camp LeJeune.

407 See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. I had to do this with 3 of them on stage.

408 Ag draws out his little legal pad to interrogate his witnesses a la courtroom proceedings.

414 This is one of the few untranslatable Plautine puns we left in the play so we could have these Adv laugh at their own bad joke. (see the commentary for explanation)

416 A Quippini free for all. In the declarative sense this means "of course or naturally," but it sounds better in its interrogative form "Why not?" which could practically be the motto of any young person and certainly appropriate for these Adv who even have it on their cue cards which did encourage the audience to chime in.

424ff The text begs for the Adv to try to disguise themselves. I feel that the disguises would probably have been minimal, thus making the identification easy and so Lycus' being fooled that much funnier. I chose simple paper bag masks with holes as the silliest and least effective childhood disguise. Add to this that BLUE didn't even get his eye holes adjusted properly and he stumbles about comically upstage of the dialogue into the next scene.

3.5

lines L = Lycus Ag = Agorastocles Adv = witnesses

While Ag is catching L, the Adv pull out styli and slates to record their evidence while they stand nearby poorly disguised.

445 L thinks himself so smart having figured out the scheme against him. Of course, the point is that he figured out the wrong motivation that the Adv wanted his money. That's as much as he can think anyone would want from him.

458 Corniness knows no bounds. Marsuppium is a "pouch or money purse", but we couldn't help but think of bouncing kangaroos at the sound of this word.

461ff Though the Adv have no lines here they clearly stay on stage to pester L and, in effect, drive him off stage so the next plot can begin in the next act.

3.6

lines Ag = Agorastocles C = Collybisca Adv = Advocati

467 The failure to recognize the absence of a person whom the audience knows to be gone is an age old joke. Here Ag thinks that L will still be there, but he has escaped to be caught by a better trap in the next act.

469-470 C has been enjoying herself too much inside and is tipsy. So she misconstrues Ag's order to "take off all that stuff (i.e. her disguise)" to mean "take off all your clothes." He gets her off stage before such scandal could occur.

470 Payment is due, but will be paid later. Ag just gives the Adv a lousy handshake.

472 Their vale is heavily sarcastic. I'm sure that the familiar Italian cursing gesture that ROSE uses is a very old, if not ancient one.

477 The 3 Stooges could only exit triumphantly in a kick line. Having provided their comic relief, they leave us.

NOTE: The role of the Advocati in this play has been questioned. The plot in which they are involved doesn't reap its intended results necessitating another trick, so how could Plautus mar his plot so thoroughly, some have asked. Some have suggested that this play is a poor blending of two separate plots, especially since the title character, the Carthaginian, doesn't show up until the last act, and no mention of any Carthaginian for that matter appears until the fourth act. I believe that while the possibility of blended plots is strongly evident here, the matching of the two is not as poor as some have suggested. We have already had hints that the two sisters are freeborn in 1.2 so that plot line has to be picked up now in the end of the play. Milphio's original trick using very humorous witnesses didn't work out, but another legal trick will beginning with the introduction of yet another funny character. The point of this play, for that matter most Roman comedy, is not a unified plot, but whether you can keep the audience laughing. In this play, like no other of Plautus', the plot is completely secondary to the cavalcade of funny characters who entertain the audience with no literary pretensions whatsoever. Pictures speak louder than words and so the role of the advocati, is in my mind, one of pure physical humor with a rare small chorus of cranky slow guys.

4.1, 4.2

lines M = Milphio S = Syncerastus

481 I decided to cast Lycus' grumpy slave as a eunuch for a couple of reasons: 1) it was a common practice for pimps to keep eunuchs about since they would be the best slaves to have around beautiful women, having no interest in them like normal men, 2) eunuchs tended to be roly-poly characters with high-pitched voices adding a bit more comic potential, and 3) most of all I had a lot more women audition for this play than men and I had to find ways to fit them into a traditionally male dominated theatrical form. Though this role is written for a man, a woman may play a eunuch to great effect. 4) Furthermore, since I had already decided to cast M as a hunchback, this act (which was mostly taken up with the explication of plot) needed a boost that only a eunuch and a hunchback could lend to the comic stage.

486 S conveys his disgust for the low types that come to L's place, from the snotty upper crust to the crude spitting, nose-wiping, panting class of freedmen and slaves. In Plautus' day the equites were the class who could afford the great expense of outfitting their own horse for the cavalry. The pedites were the infantry soldiers, also usually of Roman birth as the Roman Republic tried to outfit its armies with men with a stake in the system. Only later did the army draw from the lower classes extensively.

490-491 S's bag is full of a pimp's wares (lingerie, tongs, a cucumber, a baster, and a plunger) Sorry if these suggestions are too crude for explanation, but this is a pimp and these items seemed innocent enough, if a bit too suggestive.

495 Being weighed down by all this, S is not amused by M's hide and seek

503 See commentary for joke explanation. S clearly thinks his pun is funny.

507 S is warming up to beat on the pimp.

509-510 S says that he just doesn't have the wings to fly (i.e. doesn't have the courage or strength to trick his master), so M crudely suggests that he grow out his armpit hairs till they make wings.

516 M says S can trust him with a secret, but all the while winks at us and holds his fingers behind his back. The sly one then slinks about to make sure that they are alone.

517 When he's convinced they're alone, M expects to get news from S, but she points out that the audience is still listening. M decides to bring them in on the secret too.

518-526 The purchase of freeborn women was another of those legal no-nos that pimps always seem to have committed in comedies. Pirates were the most common dirty dealing slave traders. Julius Caesar was even kidnapped by pirates once as a young man, but he deceived them in such a way as to get them to deliver him safely, for which he repaid them with crucifixion. One of Pompey the Great's earliest and most complete military triumph was in a three-month war (66 BC) that effectively rid the Mediterranean of pirates for a time.

While S gives us plot info M acts out what he'd like to do to the pimp while he scratches and thinks about how to make this new plot work.

526 M remarks with comic surprise that Agorastocles was also stolen from Carthage at a young age, at which time Ag became a slave to M's original master, Antidamas, who later made Ag his heir (See Scene 5.1 for reference to Antidamas a Hanno's friend and especially notes to lines 618-630)

530 M gets a little too excited and kisses the eunuch who is naturally indifferent.

5.1

lines H = Hanno

NOTE: The segue from the intro to Act 5 into the body of H's speech is completely our invention. We decided to have Hanno's Punic passages from the play (which are rather suspect as genuine Carthaginian, though many scholars have posited translations) delivered in accented English (Bostonian because that's where our actor, Chris McDonough is from and that accent is about as foreign an English tongue as there is to North Carolinian ears). If we had tried to use the Punic from the play, Hanno's expressions would have been perfectly misunderstood. Why test an audience's patience even further by having them hear Latin they can barely make out answered by Punic that no one can understand? In 5.2, easily the funniest in the play, M acts as translator for H's Punic to the Greco-Roman Ag. M trying to get in a few jokes at H's expense clearly knows nothing of Punic but makes fun of the sound of the words, the way many people do with a foreign language completely unfamiliar to them. M's puns and plays in Latin would have meant nothing to anyone if we had not helped the audience see what he was doing. Likewise H is made an easily understandable and sympathetic character to an audience whose ears have now been tested by almost an hour of Latin text. So, we made H speak English so that one side of the conversation would be understood to make the puns work. Of course, in the original play, the idea is that the Roman audience would understand M, not H, and so they would see that M was making fun of the sound of H's words too. What they would find funny is the perfectly ridiculous interpretations that M gives of H's Punic, translations which indicate all the most common stereotypes Romans used against a people with whom they had only recently been at war.

Note that this is the only entrance in this play onto stage right, i.e. from out of the country. Everyone else has entered from the houses or from the forum.

539 Based on the meaning of H's Latin intro, we believed that it was likely that the Punic passages which preceded it in the original text also contained invocations to the gods along with comments about his lost daughters and how he'd searched for them. Also, while the original Punic may have elements of genuine Carthaginian in it, surely much of it is gobbledygook that is supposed to sound like Carthaginian to Romans who would understand little of this Semitic language so unrelated to their own.

Just before he launches into Latin, our own H is even told by the prologus that he must speak in Latin to be understood. He begins in a chant to give the effect of an appeal to the gods.

541 H wears around his neck a picture frame with pictures of his daughters, a sort of oversized locket.

546 See commentary note on tesserae. Here the tessera is just oversized and gaudy.

5.2

lines H = Hanno M = Milphio Ag = Agorastocles

NOTE: At the opening of this scene M is carrying what proved to be the most popular prop in the whole play, a milk carton with pictures intended to represent H's 2 lost daughters with the sentence Vidistine me? above it. Most people who could see it and read it in the live audience figured out quickly that this was just an anachronistic addition for a laugh. The milk carton missing person reports are the clearest modern references for kidnapped children and so fit in here well. I think Plautus would have loved this shtick.

557-558 M first makes fun of H's long flowing garment with loose sleeves, the type worn by most Carthaginians and other people of Eastern heritage. M first insults H's dress with a jab hidden in the Latin word tunicis. He is clearly referring, not to the traditionally short male variety of this garment, but the flowing women's tunic. So M has chosen to insult H's foreign dress as womanish, a common accusation by those who wished to poke fun at the Carthaginians. These long flowing robes have a long Eastern tradition which the western Romans could hardly make fun of since they wore short tunics or the "dignified" toga.

The insult continues in line 558. The pallium was a cloak worn by the Greeks (remember this is supposed to be a Greek city with Greek inhabitants) as a traditional male overgarment. The foreigner H, of course, would not be wearing a pallium over his long tunic, so M says as another ethnic aspersion that H must have had his pallium stolen at the bathhouse. These thefts of clothing from the baths were apparently common because they become a running joke among the Romans.

559 Romans call Carthaginians Punici when they intend to be insulting. It's derogatory. You may note throughout the play that M always uses Punic to refer to Carthaginians, whereas other characters use the non-derogatory Carthaginiensis. Note that even the subtitle of our play, "The Puny Punic," contains translation of the diminutive ending of Poenulus and a hint of this contempt.

This term in one sense is a reference to the Phoenician origins of the Carthaginians. The name for the Phoenicians is in turn from a Greek word phoinikeos transliterated to the Latin puniceus or phoeniceus, meaning "bright red or purple, scarlet." This is then a reference to the Phoenicians most famous export, the scarlet dye of the murex shell, one of the ancient world's most precious and desirable dyes (Notice that we were even able to dress H in scarlet to make this important connection.). To Greeks and Romans, this dye and the Phoenicians were inseparably linked.

560-561 M turns his jokes against H's attendants: They must be relics, because they're all hunched over (like old people). He says literally, "Because they're all laden with packs on their backs," but the reference is clearly to their backs being bent with age.

562-563 M quips that these Carthaginians must not have fingers because they don't wear rings where they are supposed to (on their fingers). Carthaginian men and women alike, like many other Eastern cultures, would wear earrings. Western males did not wear earrings, so M is joking about their effeminate earring-wearing.

565-566 Note the irony that Hanno says that if these men don't understand Punic, he will speak to them in their own language. These are Greeks, but the language they speak is Latin, another stage suspension of disbelief.

570-571 An inside joke. H seriously remarks that these kidnappings were very frequent in his world. Nowhere are kidnappings more frequent than as plot devices in Roman comedy.

573 M puts on a tall dunce cap as his mocking version of H's tall turban-like headpiece. (H's hat is roughly based on a hat on an idol of a Phoenician god and is intended to be funny looking and awkward rather than authentic daily wear.) Some type of Eastern style turban was probably worn by Carthaginians, but probably not as tall as H's.

574 Ag asks the typical questions of a foreigner.

577 H's English lines were completely our invention intended to match some element of M's Latin to make his puns work for an English audience.

578 H speaks in that comical American tone of the foreigner abroad who thinks his loud, slow speech will make him better understood.

Baal was a principal Phoenician-Carthaginian god mentioned frequently in the Bible.

580 M adds something like our "Mother of Baal" Mytthumbalis, in his Latin translation. This is Hanno's father's name in Latin form. The -bal at the end of the name is reminiscent of the Carthaginian name suffix found in the common names Hannibal and Hasdrubal. This ending is an honorific version of the name of their god, Baal. Even though M is probably translating H fairly accurately in saying that H said he was Hanno, son of Mytthumbal of Carthage, we decided to make M misconstrue H's words from the very beginning.

581-582 "Don't know much Punic..." is misinterpreted as receipt of a gift, doni..

584 Though he is told to speak in Punic, M always lapses back into Latin repeating H's slow foreigner tone, while the only "Punic" word he uses is a greeting.

585-586 "May be you could help me... says H while scratching his chin in a pensive gesture. M interprets this as Hanno having a sick mouth, miseram buccam.

589 M's final insult on H's clothing. Carthaginian garments flowed outward without restraint by a belt. This added to what the Greeks and Romans considered feminine about these clothes although Greek and Roman women generally did wear belts.

591 "My reason for..." "My friend's kid..." The sounds here of H's halting speech are transferred into mures Africanos, a ridiculous tangent about animals in the circus on parade (pompam). This brings on the Sousa march that M and Ag perform. This mistranslation, however, hints at the pleasure many ancient cultures had in entertaining the masses by showing them exotic beasts from foreign lands. Panthers (known as feriae or bestiae Africanae) and elephants (a species of elephant native to North Africa was driven to extinction in ancient times by its frequent use as a war machine) would be real crowd pleasers, mice on the other hand might not be quite so exciting, so one can see that M is ridiculing an element of Carthage with which Romans would be familiar, their fauna. Incidentally, if this play was performed after the Second Punic War, it is quite likely that such fantastic beasts (not the mice) would have been paraded in Rome as part of the triumph over Carthage.

The officials in charge of these public games, ludi (including plays, races, gladiator fights, displays of beasts, etc.) were known as aediles. As the republic grew richer and closer to empire, the position of aedile became an important and influential office on the road to the consulship since it offered a man an opportunity to appease the lower classes with elaborate games that would win their political support.

594 "Look can you stop being a nuisance?" is met by a strange mix of things that M says H is trying to sell (ligulas, canalis, et nuces). This too is a stereotype of Phoenicians and Carthaginians as haggling hucksters who would sell anything for a profit. Merchants and trade, especially the foreign variety, were not always respected in the ancient world because of the potential for fraud. The Romans' most common accusation against the Carthaginians was that they were shady dealers. They even commonly called such untrustworthiness fides Punica.

597 Another jab at H who says, "This is hopeless!", which is mimicked by M's opes habet, "He's loaded," as a cheating merchant would be. I added the opes habet line to Plautus' text.

598-602 "Oh crap, I suppose I'll just speak to you in Latin." is most wildly misrepresented by M's sub cratim...supponi...lapides... which H translates perfectly then shows M that he can speak great Latin.

608-610 M yells right back at H since he feels the tricky multilingual Punic has been setting him up, though of course M got himself in trouble. Plautus has allowed the double meaning of bisulcis lingua to come through as well, for M certainly intends it to mean "with a forked tongue" or "speaking out of both sides of your mouth." This word works on another level, however, since Carthaginians were apparently well known for their knowledge of many other languages. They were after all merchants to the entire Mediterranean. So bisulcis lingua for Hanno can mean that he is bilingual. See note 565-566 above for H's display of this talent.

614 Note the Roman handshake clasping the entire forearm.

617-618 It is the irony of comedy that the first person H talks to here is the very one he's seeking, like in musicals when everybody just happens to know all the same words to the songs.

619 The other half of the tessera should be with Agorastocles to prove his identity, and in fact, Agorastocles has it on him; More irony. We made the charm a very cheesy, big gold heart, broken at the moment of the separation between Hanno and his old friend, Antidamas

625 Agorastocles acknowledges the ties of familial hospitality passed down from generation to generation. It was an obligation, not a choice.

630 Especially among the Romans, adoption of a son as an heir was quite common. These children could be raised from the status of slave, to freedman, to wealthy citizen by adoption into a prominent family, even if their parents were still living. An example of this last situation is found in the adoption of Scipio the Younger, victor of the 3rd Punic War, by the son of the Elder Scipio, victor of the 2nd Punic War, although the Younger Scipio's real father was himself a prominent man and alive. To show the prevalence of these adoptions especially among the ruling class, note that Julius Caesar adopted Augustus who adopted Tiberius who adopted Gaius "Caligula." Then Caligula's uncle and successor Claudius adopted Nero and favored him over his own living son. So, many of Rome's most important men were adopted.

639 Yet one more proof of identity and a very silly one at that. The monkey bite was just so bizarre that we gave H one of those momentary lapses of memory for someone working in a foreign language. So he had to ask our prompter for his line in Latin after unsuccessfully trying to act it out.

643 I decided to have Ag and H in an awkward looking pose for M's reentrance because of the sarcastic nature of M's line, "I'm so glad everything's working out so well for you two."

646 Now M will utilize what he thinks is H's natural ethnic craftiness to help trap the pimp

654 As M lays out the trick that H will act like Anterastilis and Adelphasium are his lost daughters, we have H match up the pictures on the milk carton to his locket for a slight bit of recognition. His sobbing is so good here it convinces M that H is a born actor.

664 M specifically refers to H's weeping as better than a gestus, a stage gesture. Gesture was one of the great skills that an actor required for the ancient stage, especially since masks probably disallowed facial expressions. Elaborate movement and appropriate gesture conveyed the emotions of the actor.

666 H has asked about the girls' nurse as another piece of proof leading to recognition of his daughters. M's answer to H about the nurse is "She's short and dark-skinned." H says, "That's her." This is a difficult joke to catch in Latin, but it is humorous since this description of a Carthaginian woman is like saying of a Swede "She's blonde and blue-eyed." and getting the response, "That's definitely her."

NOTE: It was intentional that in the play, we only had Hanno, his attendants, and Giddenis, the nurse use Dark Egyptian stage makeup so that our extremely Caucasian actors could look somewhat the skin tone that is referred to several times here. But it is equally intentional that Agorastocles, Adelphasium, and Anterastilis wear no such makeup, i.e. they are as white as they can be. I firmly believe that considering that there are no references to the Carthaginian heritage of these three characters until Syncerastus' and Milphio's mention of it in Act 4, we as the audience are supposed to be given no direct evidence to that effect until the moment of revelation in Act 5. Hence I believe that these three characters are supposed to look like Greeks, not Carthaginians, throughout the play. That's part of what makes the statement that they are Carthaginian ridiculous, since they don't look even remotely Punic. I believe that this is the most logical way for Plautus also to have intended to delay any hints that these 3 are Punic until Acts 4 and 5. Think how funny the real Carthaginian Hanno would look in his Punic mask, next to his two daughters and nephew who are supposed to be Punic and look like him, but in reality look nothing like a typical Carthaginian.

5.3

lines M = Milphio Ag = Agorastocles H = Hanno G = Giddenis

676-678 G, the nutrix, immediately recognizes her old master and in typical Eastern fashion kneels at his feet, overdoing it a bit. Note that next to their parents, the nurse would be the closest thing to a relative for young children of affluent families. They served originally of course as wet nurses and nannies, but later in the children's lives became guardians, tutors, and assistants in other ways

689 Ag is just putting 2 and 2 together on this whole thing about H's daughters.

694 Yes, one of H's slaves really does step forward and reunite with G his mother. We gave them some more English-Punic

701 M has been put in charge of some other slaves and carries out this job zealously.

705 The close of this scene is a not so subtle, but common, ancient transfer. Ag asks Ad's father for her hand as his wife. The bargain, which will maintain close family ties, is sealed without her knowledge. Marriages between cousins were common among the Romans as among most ancient cultures. Only in modern times have we discovered that cousins are too closely related to assure healthy babies from their union. As to this bargain, it has a sinister side too for Ag knows Ad doesn't like him, so he asks the dad who is more than glad to get the whole family together.

710 That age old disbelief that children grow up so "fast" to become adults.

5.4

lines Ad = Adelphasium Ante = Anterastilis H = Hanno Ag = Agorastocles

Ad and Ante are in a party mood with a pennant to show for it at the Aphrodisia. Ad is much more interested in the official rites of prostitution, the religious and spiritual side, if you will. Ante is, as usual, concerned with how much prettier they were than all the other girls.

725 Once again Ad is overly proud of their freeborn status which obviously hasn't done much for her up to now. She is a snobby slave. We now finally have her giving a reason that she acted so holier than thou from the beginning back in Act 1

727-729 H launches into another chanted prayer, but Ag stops him and they bicker like children.

734 The newspaper is just there as a distraction and as a convenient weapon of Ad's wrath.

738 Note the irony that again as Ag is convincing himself how charming Ad is, she's engaged in a cat fight with her sister, hair-pulling and all. Of course, Ad did start it by calling Ante stupid.

739-740 Notice that there is inherent in the term ingenium the ancient belief that a person's nature, intelligence, and even personality could be, and usually were, the product of natural family ties, just as one's appearance is obviously hereditary. But also notice that while H is claiming Ad is showing her familial qualities, Ag disputes that she forgot all she ever learned from H back in her childhood. It seems the nature vs. nurture (hereditary vs. social development) argument was as alive and well in ancient Rome as it is today.

745 Note the irony of Ante suggesting that after all these years only the gods or their parents could save them now when their father is just across the stage. This is surely a joking reference to the audience's awareness that the recognition scene is about to occur.

752 These lines by Ad again have a touch of old preachiness.

753-755 In an extended metaphor Ag says that he as Jupiter would kick Juno out of bed for Ad.

757 It might be asked here why H would continue to trick his daughters about his identity after so many years of searching. The only explanation is that Plautus wants to drag out the fun a little longer. Plus it gets in one more good joke using the law, accusing the two of taking his daughters from him, which in a skewed way they did by keeping their persons away from him, though against their will. Following Roman custom, H grabs Ante by the earlobe to indicate that he intends to take them to court.

759 Ag starts a little romantic attempt on Ad with a dance step but being himself he loses his train of thought.

763-765 Ad's reference to dogs brings out the lapdog in Ag who extends the analogy to himself and tries cuddling up to her as a pet. She hits his nose with the newspaper.

771 Sick of being badgered by Ag, Ad finally punches him.

778 Always "pious" H breaks into another chant before the final recognition.

792 Big family group hug a la TV sitcoms.

793-795 Ag steps back to view the family portrait and is so pleased that he laments that great painters aren't there to capture the moment. In the original line, he mentions the two most famous Greek painters, Apelles and Zeuxis. We updated the reference with Ag's beret and Michelangelo's "Creation" from the Sistine Chapel, Botticelli's "Birth of Venus", and Rockwell's "Thanksgiving Dinner."

5.5

lines Anta = Antamoenides Ag = Agorastocles H = Hanno Ad = Adelphasium

Ante = Anterastilis

797ff Anta who has been ignored too long growls his discontent to overwhelm the stage, even blowing about its current occupants. He clearly is so consumed with himself he does not see them.

The violent language of this opening is severe, but matched by his anger and consistent with his military demeanor. He rants at the two who have kept him from having fun, Lycus and Anterastilis, the girl whom he requested, but never showed up.

808 Ante's comments about fearing "birds of prey" and H protecting his "little chicken" are allusions to Anta's protestation that he will beat her as black as a "blackbird," and the ferocity of Anta's venom. Incidentally, Anta's claim that he will beat Ante till she's "black as an Ethiopian" is ironic since as a Carthaginian from North Africa, Anterastilis should already be dark-skinned, but as I have stated above, I believe she was not portrayed as dark-skinned.

810ff Anta finally noticing the others turns his venom on them. His insults about H's dress go far beyond the playful taunts of Milphio. He questions H's masculinity, maturity, and social status. Anta's referring to H as a baiolus is like calling him, "Boy!" with the racially and socially negative connotations that that term carries even among modern day racists. The shame of which Anta speaks at 815 is not shame at the act of kissing in public, but rather the social shame that this lovely prostitute and a "scummy foreigner no better than a porter" should be embracing.

Notice also that Ag is the scared one hiding behind the women, not H.

817-818 After another insult to H's masculinity, alluding to him as an "African lovergirl," Anta stops alluding and just comes out and calls H a woman.

820 H gets back a jab of his own at Anta by calling him, "Adulescens," which implies a teenager, someone under military age (iuvenis was the Roman term for this age), a clearly derogatory, but mild, retort from one who has been and will continue to be abused much more severely. Ag repeats this address of Anta at line 828.

823 Anta launches into a last tirade of strange and inexplicable insults against H who is blown back in cartoon style.

827 I find no evidence that Roman rowers were any more given to eating garlic than any other ancient people (although anything is possible as an insulting reference in Plautus). Garlic was widely thought to have medicinal, as well as culinary and gustatory, worth and was a common part of many Mediterranean diets. However, this rare insult from a Greek soldier against the Romans in a Roman comedy, may carry with it the idea that lower class Romans ate larger than normal quantities of this important, but smelly, herb. This insult would then carry the same impact as modern-day stereotypes that the French are "garlic eaters" and "Frogs," because of their cultures passions for those foods. On the other hand, Plautus may just have thought references to smelly breath and the alliterative Romani remiges were funny.

828ff Ag steps in and gets accused of being a cinaedus, a passive homosexual. There is slight evidence that this Greek word, kinaidos, was also a reference to a presumably effeminate variety of public dancer, which would help explain Antamoenides' reference to the tympanum in the context of a word that almost always means "a fag." We use that translation because the word is meant to be insulting, not just a recognition of homosexuality.

835 Ante launches into the quickest Latin delivery of this play as she takes on Anta.

838 Typically the soldier changes his tune and acts as if it were all a big misunderstanding.

843-844 Another bad Plautine pun with a cymbal clash added (see commentary for explanation)

5.6, 5.7

lines Anta = Antamoenides Ag = Agorastocles H = Hanno Ad = Adelphasium Ante = Anterastilis L=Lycus

NOTE: The original text has two separate endings written for different times in the play's performance history. I used parts of both endings, making it as confrontational as possible.

850 A double suing will ensue with one man on either of L's ears. As all this goes on, note that the miles is trying to make off with Ante. Her prudish sister drags her back. Then Anta makes a lewd suggestion which drives Ante away and the Praeco moves in on her.

865 After L has been beset by H and Ag, now Anta gets his turn.

868 Anta takes his revenge on L's neck as Lycus himself requested above. Then we have a wrestling match complete with bad acting and bragging by the winner. The loser thrashes about, reeling from unlanded punches. Ag plays referee. Meanwhile the speech on the other side of the stage is more businesslike. The discussion itself by H requires the added note that what H is saying is that if he decides to take Lycus to court, he'll have to do it in a foreign city, i.e. Calydon, under laws and procedures foreign to him. He thus decides with his daughter's help that any delays which suing Lycus might entail are not worth the effort.

874-875 The pimp thinks from H's leading intro to this line that H will go after him again, but H says he won't bother with him, since he is too slimy and there is not enough time.

882 Anta wants a girl now. L suggests a flute girl and with cheeks puffed out like Dizzy Gillespie, the late great jazz trumpeter, gives us a sense of the meaning behind Anta's additional derogatory remarks about not knowing whether flute girls have bigger cheeks or breasts. I believe that Lycus offers a flute girl here as one last laugh. Consider that with all his debts to come, Lycus would be severely pressed to provide a good prostitute for Antamoenides, so he probably looked around and picked the first slave girl he saw, the flutegirl who'd been accompanying the play from off the stage. This is not Lycus' slave, so in effect, Lycus might be up to his old tricks of trying to get out of his own problems, but for the play's sake, a joke about the "orchestra" would be perfectly in line with what we'd expect of Plautus. As for Anta he adds the insult that the way their cheeks are always puffed out (at least when he sees them playing their flutes) the flute girls are pretty ugly and unappealing. This is Anta's way of simply saying something insulting about another group of people that aren't worth his time or money.

887-890 Agorastocles will go to Carthage with H and his daughters, but must first wrap up his business in Calydon, especially the sale of his house, it would seem.

890 After wrapping things up, Ag makes one last attempt to appease Ad but she scorns him again.

891 In the text, and as per the usual Plautine ending, the whole cast usually asked for the audience to applaud their play. That seems odd to us, but it's kind of a way to show that everything's definitely over and sometimes the cast plays with the request for applause. I decided that since the characters' last lines are ones of exit which do not lend themselves to the traditional appeal to the audience, the praeco, our bouncer-announcer, should just jokingly threaten the audience if they don't applaud.