Abbreviation code: x = cross stage, ^ = upstage, v = downstage, L = stage left, R = stage right, C = centerstage, LOC = left of center, ROC = right of center

(BD asleep at big door offstage R; XAN lying at door of house ^ C; loud snoring after MC finished, hat down over eyes; SOS sleep against R proscaenium arch - startle at end of MC looking for where noise came from, notice snoring)

SOS: Hey, Xanthias! (throw something soft at her). Xanthias, stupid. You asleep? (getting up, x to XAN sneaking quietly)
XAN: Yea!
SOS: OK, guess I'll leave you alo... (turning to walk back vR).. HEY? You awake?
XAN: No.
SOS: (nervous) Have you forgotten what we're guarding? A MONSTER!
XAN: Yea, scares me so much I'm afraid to stay awake (settling down for more sleep). Night.
SOS: (plop down opp side of doorframe from XAN) Well, it's your neck, see if I care (getting sleepy), won't catch me offguar (snore quick asleep, then thrash about so you wind up kicking XAN)
XAN: (stand while SOS flops) Hey, you nuts? Did you join that holy-rollin' Asian Bacchus cult.
SOS: (sitting up) Nope. But that particular god did visit me (pull out bottle) and filled me with his presence. (XAN pulls out own, sits, SOS guzzle)
XAN: Gimme that old-time religion, huh Brother Sosias! Nothing like a little spirits (quick swig) for the spirit (smack lips and wipe; suddenly upset), but it gave me nightmares.
SOS: (turning concerned to XAN) Me too! You go first!
XAN: (standing wide-eyed, act out your dream vL) I dreamed that a ginormous, fat, stinkin' blubbery Whale - Butt a mile wide - stood up in a  pathetic assembly of sheep and started blathering and howling like a stuck pig.
SOS: OOH, whales, pigs, fat, smells like Kleon (walking away R hold nose)
XAN: Then old whale butt started cutting up pieces of greasy meat and sticking 'em in a sack.
SOS: It WAS Kleon, he's sacking Greece. Let me tell ya mine (Drink). (XAN still recoiling from whale image, drink a little) I dreamed that prytanis Klinton DIDN'T have sex with that woman, but she had sex with him. He gave a lecture on what the meaning of IS is, then 13 dwarves put him on trial. He got off (but not with that woman) and his wife ran for the senate.
XAN: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. (SOS shrug it off) Had to be a nightmare. (Happen to notice audience) No more fairy tales, time to give them (point) a preview. This play is rated PG-13: (SOS provide a dramatic drumroll, trumpets blaring kind of intro; XAN try to start over SOS, then shut him up)

(Clear throat: sing this to tune of "These are a few of my favorite things")
Are you fed up with highbrow Woody Allen,
Sick of the same old Hugh Grant playing Hugh Grant,
Want Adam Sandler to act half his age?
We'll give you something from Athens' own stage.
We could have offered you sex and excitement
Chase scenes and pie fights or moral enlightenment,
We might have done Kleon-jokes (gods what a stench)
We could have called Euripides' Medea a bitch!
We'll say what sucks,
You'll get great yucks,
You won't leave here glum,
We'll make sure to use only very small words
And then you won't feel so dumb!

Aristophanes just wants you to know he's turned over a new comic leaf. None of the old stand-bys for cheap laughs.
See that gal sleeping over there? (SOS gesture too) Our mistress. (Use fake voice) 'Watch dad,' she said, 'Don't let him out. Quarantine him; very dangerous disease.' What's he got? Very rare. Wanna guess (pretend to ask diff members of audience). What was that?
SOS: He says nymphomania.
XAN: We're not talking about your problem, buddy (pointing to same guy). Next!
SOS: Halitosis?
XAN: Oh yeah, he's got the breath of death all right, but that's not the problem.
SOS: Necrophilia? You are one sick puppy, NO.
XAN: You'll never get it, just shut up and we'll tell you. Our master has...Jurydutyitis, worst case ever. Ever since Kleon upped the jury pay a buck, he's been addicted to passing sentence. No verdict by day, all night he moans away.
SOS: You know the little pebbles the jurors use to vote Guilty/Not guilty. Well he goes to bed clutching HIS pebble so hard, he wakes up with sticky fingers like he's been...
XAN: No, we said we wouldn't go there!
SOS: Sorry!
XAN: Remember the alarm cock he got? Crowed at dawn and he swore it was taking bribes so he'd be late to court. Now he jumps up from the dinner table so he gets a front-row seat for next morning's jury call.
SOS: And when he's in action - Boom! (pounce) Guilty, maximum penalty everytime.
XAN: And so afraid of running out of voting pebbles he keeps a beach-load of them on hand.
SOS: (shaking head) He's got it bad!
XAN: So we have to keep him in.And his daughter poor thing, has tried everything to cure him.
SOS: Even tried to get him religion. Joined him up with Bacchus' cult crowd of Whiskeypalians. The old man just grabbed a skirt and a tambourine and danced right down to court looking like Tina Turner in a leopard suit (Whirling silly dance vL x XAN). Actually he looked more like Survivor Rich in a leopard suit. UGH! (shudder at thought)
XAN: He's tried everything to escape, up ladders, down drainpipes, in holes, out windows (Running back and forth to show this) Even had to put up this net to hold him in.
SOS: Oh yes, one more thing, his name. You'll never believe it: Philokleon, yep "Kleon-lover"
XAN: And the daughter our mistress: Bdelykleone, Blidykone, Biddy (trip on name). Greek for "Kleon-sucks."
(BD waking and looking about concerned, listening carefully at walls and floor)
BD: Xanthias, Sosias!
XAN: Oh-oh
SOS: What's up?
XAN: Bdelykleone
SOS: (impressed) Very good.
BD: (up to offstage vR) Hurry, Dad's loose in the kitchen, (slaves running about checking everything) Watch the sewer pipe, guard the mouseholes. (PHIL rattling in lightbooth; BD turn head to booth, move C forceful) Who's that in the chimney?
PHIL: (change voice) Not who, Don't you mean what? Just a little smoke.
BD:What a joke
PHIL: Smoke, not joke.
BD: Get him down from there. (Phil head back and run downstairs. Slaves offstage out door after him (Wait in hall)
Great, what a family tree, Bdelykleone, daughter of sooty smokestack. Get him, I'll help from down here, Watch those doors.
(PHIL runs in pursued moments later by slaves, run v R of audience to backstage try side door uselessly; BD up on stage at C door)
No use dad we got you cornered.
PHIL: (fr backstage) Let me out, you jerks. Big trial today. Can't quit or there'll be an acquittal.
BD: What's the difference?
PHIL: (poking out head) The Delphic oracle said: (mysterious voice) The first release of a criminal tried, Thy final summons will thus betide.'
XAN: Oh wouldn't that be sad (ironic to Sos, now at door helping hold in Phil)
PHIL: Let me out. I must try.
BD: No you don't.
PHIL: I'll chew the net off (head around door)
BD: With what teeth?
PHIL: Good point. I'll skewer you on a spit. No I'll sue you on a writ. (Phil thrash backstage; get under donkey to doorway)
BD: He's plotting an escape.
PHIL: No, dearie, not me. I just want to sell  the donkey.
BD: I can sell the donkey.
PHIL: Not as good as me. Please let the donkey out. (Sos and Xan go in to lead out donkey. Xan front, Sos back push
resistant donkey
XAN: What's your problem?
BD (Go up and pat donkey) Stop fighting. Have you got something inside you. You seem heavy, are you carrying something?
SOS: That's it, by the gods, one's stuck right here, like Odysseus (find Phil under tail)
BD: Oh my god, who are you?
PHIL: (stick head out) Noah. Noah Buddy
BD: Noah Buddy, ha, ha very original. Wrong end Dad! (Sos and Xan laughing dragging out Phil)
PHIL: Leave me alone or you'll have a fight on your hands.
BD: Why fight, what's the big deal.
PHIL: I'll lose my ass.
BD: Why don't you drag your ass and yourself back inside. (slaves start dragging him in)
PHIL: Help. Murder. Jurors. Kleon. Somebody help. (pushed inside by slaves, and slam door; donkey lumber offstage)
BD: Bolt that door and hold it tight.
SOS: He's in now ma'am. He won't get out. We need a break (Drink from bottle behind back)
XAN: Just 40 winks (leaning tired)
SOS: How bout 20?
BD: No they'll be here in 5 minutes to pick him up/
XAN: Who?
BD: His fellow jurors.
XAN: But it's not even dawn yet.
BD: Yup they're late (looking out) They usually come by about midnight mumbling and moaning their sappy old songs to get Dad up.
SOS: It's just a bunch of old blue hairs. We'll get a few rocks and keep them back.
BD: No. Not just any old blue hairs:Athenian jurors. Grandparents from hell.
Sparks in the chimney, leaping roaring
Wasps in a nest, stings long and sharp.
Zoom, buzz, gotcha
XAN: Well if rocks won't work on wasps (pull out Fly swatter)