(6 chorus members either side of proscenium arch, by pairs stick out heads and sing

"Later / That / Night" like "Hello, hello, hello."

All: "Just guess!"

SOS: (Ow, ooh, oh from backstage, and scurrying out door off L, checking over shoulder, then up onstage quickly - speaking meanwhile)
Look at me, black and blue. That drunk old fart, none drunker. The best of them at that party couldn't top him for sloppiest drunk.
When they brought out the spread, he set on it like ugly on an ape. Howling, leaping, farting, slapping me around, laughing at his own jokes. He offended everyone at the table. You never heard such language from a Greek sailor. He oozed off his couch and staggered home, waving his walking stick and bashing everyone-everything he met.
(PHIL drunk song from backstage). Look out, he's here. And I'm not. (Sos into house ^C)

(Enter Phil w/ Dardanis-dancing girl carrying bottle, w/ torch waving wildly)
Phil: (overly dramatic, paranoid) Back swine! Still there? Come on. I'll shish your kebab.

Citizen: (Stick head out after having fended off earlier blows w/ door off L) You'll pay, senile delinquent. Assault and battery! You and me in court tomorrow. (Phil throw something at door and she's off)

Phil: (spinning to get up onstage; laughing loudly like drunk)Whoo, hoo! Court? Not me. Lawsuits suck. (to Dardanis) I think I got something in here you can pull yourself up by (turning around acting like unzipping; turn back around and present short little rope; Dardanis laughing; kneel down to help her up, but can't do it; she just jumps up there.) Hey you are a nice door prize. Just yanked you out the door. I'll buy your freedom baby, if my daughter gives me my inheritance. Sh! (very drunk) She's here. Oh, oh (almost like about to wet pants excited) Let's play a trick on her. Hold this. (hand torch to her, statue of liberty pose)

BD: (enter from house) You stupid old fart! You did it this time! Really screwed the pooch on this one. You can't go stealing exotic dancers at parties.

PHIL: (trying to stand sober; sloppy whistling) Dancing girl? (look aside) What dancing girl?
BD: This one!
Phil: Dancing girl? She's a torch holder!
BD: Torch holder?
Phil: Yea, holding a torch for me.
BD: (stepping to back) So, what's this (point to butt)?
Phil: That's uh-uh the tail lights!
BD: And these bits up here? (to breasts)
Phil: A, oh- uh hem, a candela-BRA. (BD dragging Dard back L)
Phil: Hey! What you doing?
BD: Taking her back. You've forgotten all the moves anyway.

(Breadwoman on R from behind, dragging a chorus member out as witness)

BREAD (with overpadded butt): Come on. That's him. Came outta nowhere, bashed me with his torch. Knocked me out of my stall, off my stool, and spread my buns all over the floor.
PHIL: That wouldn't be too hard!
BD: Shut up, dad!
Phil: I'll get out of it. I'll tell an Aesop fable like you said.
BREAD (moving angrily across): I know my rights. You damaged my buns (Phil wincing at thought of her buns). Restitution, emotional distress, pain and suffering, punitive damages! This'll cost you.
BD: Excuse me-
Phil: No, I'll take care of this, nice and neat. Well Aesop was out one night, having a nice time on the town with the Fox And the Grapes, when suddenly (suddenly yelling) some raggedy-ass bitch snapped at him. So he said, Good doggy, down bitch.
BREAD: That's it! Bun-molester. I'll see you in court tomorrow (off mad R)
Phil: (yelling) You wish, lady. I wouldn't touch your moldy-ass buns.

Citizen: (quickly behind from L, also dragging a chorus witness) There he is! The one who assaulted me!
BD: Sir, nobody hit anybody, right? can we settle quietly out of court? Name your figure.
Phil: No, (cross to citizen) I'm the one that hit him (BD - Homer Simpson doh gesture). Shoulda done it better the first time, you Trojan fag!
Citizen: (to witness) You heard him! Write it down. (To Phil) See you in court buddy! (back off L)
Bd: (jerking Phil around) Let's get you inside before you get sued again.

SMALL CHORUS (out of side entrances):
His daughter changed him, yes she did
Transformed him on the spot.
He used to be a useless slob
Now he's improved his lot!
Brushing with the upper classes
Got him recognized.
Now everybody knows Philokleon.
He's sure to get downsized.

XAN: (coming out of house) Oh gods, watch out. Wasn't good enough he was telling stories, now he's dancing.
PHIL: (burst out of door to Disco Inferno or something similar. loudly whooping and doing some very bad dancing)

(to audience) Anybody care to take me on. I'm a dancing fool!

(2 different dancers come out from backstage at different times)

Phil: (Improvise some lines and some dance moves to work with each one)
2-3 songs, Let's choose?

Chorus: (To "Stayin' Alive)
Well you can tell by the way he dance like that,
He's a woman's man: despite the fat.
His urge to try has gone bye-bye, he's in the groove and knows the moves.
Now he's all right. He's ok.
Happy feet are here to stay.
He may be gross, he may be crass
But Athens doesn't need more class.
Whether you're a Roman or whether you're a woman,
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Tryin' to change your pappy, may not make you happy
But you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' ali-i-iii-ive,

We're stayin' alive.

(Chorus dancing off either side of stage)

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