Bd: (Phil hanging head vL; Bd walk up beside dadlike, lead him R w/ arm around)
Leave everything to me. I'll satisfy all your needs: new clothes, soft chewable food, a blanket to warm you up here, and a woman to warm you down here.
Phil: (desperate, tragic crying) OI MOI, Holy Moly... (down on knees vR tearing at hair)
Bd: What's wrong, dad? (ROC)
Phil: What good are all those goodies. No more trials...not even Kleon's. I'm a jury junky. I must try them all.
Bd: OK (picking him up reassuring and lead C), but not way downtown, we'll do court here at home.
Phil: (backing away skeptically) Judge here? Who? What?
Bd: Everything. That slave girl (move over L toward a female juror) who never shuts the pantry door, just confiscate her assets (crude grabbing gesture; juror protect butt; Bd turn and see male juror ^R) Old cook fixes a nasty meal, kick him right in his baguette. (male wasp turn and hide sting between legs; Phil lightens up LOC) And you won't get hungry when court's in session.
Phil: (turning back confused) Try and eat?
Bd: Sure, (moving vC) some cases are hard to swallow, but for the ones in good taste you can digest the facts slowly.
Phil: (rubbing tummy) Oh yeah (dreamy, lick lips to L, then bad thought, turn back R)? But what about my fee?
Bd: (act like it's nothing) No problem, I'll pay it (throw a penny on the floor offstage, Phil grub for it)
Phil: Let's get it on! I'm feelin like Judge Judy.
Bd: (to backstage) Hey, we need the courtroom set out here! (Xan and Sos from either side backstage with: pot and big spoon, three fold up chairs - 1 LOC, 1 ROC, 1 v RoC, rubber chicken, bed pan)
Phil: Great (getting back onstage) Do-it-yourself justice! Home court advantage! 30-day-trial offer, completely satisfied or my money back. (move toward chair vR)
Bd: (organizing; take bed pan) For emergencies, a court-a-potty.
Phil: Yup, everyone knows when an old man gotta go, he gotta go (sit on chair)
Bd: (w/ pot) Beans! To tide you over.
Phil: Wow! (pick up rubber chicken, puzzled) But what's this for?
Bd: He'll crow during boring speeches to wake you up. (Phil look at it and shake it; set up in front of seat)
Phil: (looking around) What about the statue of justice?
Bd: (Put Xan and Sos behind w/ hands over eyes, bag over shoulders for scales, something for a sword) OK. All rise (wasps lift stings, Phil up) Court is in session.
Phil: Come on, I wanna sock it to whoever's on the docket (Xan off L)
Bd: (thinking) Well, um first case. (snapping at Sos for legal pad, who knocks over Phil's pot accidentally; Bd loudly) Who spilled the beans?
Phil: Wait! No jury box! I'll be right back (in door; immediately clatter of pots and pans off L)

Xan: (backing onstage L with pots being hurled at her) Damn, Grabber (but say like Grab her) Grabber! (back L mad)
Bd: Grab who?
Xan: (turning) No, Grabber, the dog. In the kitchen, snarfed a cheese and whoosh! Gone.
Bd: That's it! First case, you'll prosecute!
Xan: Not me, ma'am, other dog, Griper, wants to take this case.
Bd: Call em both in.
Xan: Hear ye, hear ye! The court calls Grabber and Griper in the case of who cut the cheese (Off L to get Grabber; Sos off R for Griper)
Phil: (Back through door with box) Here we go, one jury box (put on his chair vR)
Bd: Nice touch dad! (roll eyes) First case.
Phil: Damn, no voting urns.
Bd: (look around; grab cheap flowerpots on either side of door, and pull out fake flowers; put urns downstage on either side of center) There, voting urns.

Phil: Hang on, quick prayer.
Chor lead 1: Got it, "Good bread, good meat, good god, let's eat!"
Bd: (Roll eyes) Fine, let's get on with it. Gentlemen -man of the jury, take your place in the jury box (Phil sits in jury box). Grabber and Griper are hereby called before this court. (Grabber dragged in hiding tail between legs; Griper dragging Sos on and growling)
Phil: Which one's on trial? (Griper bark fiercely; Grabber whimper)
Bd: This one (to L at Grabber; dogs getting on their seats) Defendant: Grabber, a wiener dog.
Phil: Look at him (to Grabber), you know he lies like a dog! Guilty! Guilty! Look at that smarmy grin! What about you? (To Griper)
Griper: (vicious barking; dragging Sosias)
Xanthias: Griper, a mongrel - bred from a wolfhound and a chihuahua. Nasty! Loves to clean out everybody else's dish.
Sosias: And his bark is about as bad as his bite!
Griper: (more loud barking)
Bd: Silence in court! (to Griper) Sit! Present the charges.
Phil: Hang on, I need some beans.
Griper: (in dog voice, Scooby-Doo?) Gentleman of the Jury, I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the accused, this vile creature before you, did with malice aforethought burgle one large mozzarella from Sicily, and with no regard for his fellow-dog did willfully consume said cheese alone in a dark corner. (Everybody but Phil kind of shaking head, what did he say?)
Phil: Yea, Guilty! I can smell his dog breath over here. Definitely cut with the cheese. (loud fart)
Griper: Good citizens, I ask you, how can yours truly the watchdog, watch out for you if he doesn't get his fair share?
Phil: Hey, I didn't get any either. Guilty! That dog's gettin his beans refried now! Ooh beans (eat quickly)
Griper: No acquittal. This house can't feed two crooks - I mean dogs. Convict him today, and your watchdog will stay, barking to chase all your troubles away.
Phil: Brilliant! What a case. He's a dead dog. What'd you think? (to rubber chicken, put up to ear) Cock-sure he's guilty.
Bd: Dad, you can't condemn him without hearing his case.
Phil: Who cares about his side. Guilty. (more farts) -OW, beans! (standing up looking for bathroom)
Bd: Defense calls as witnesses, Cheese Grater, Skillet, Microwave.
Phil: Microwave?
Bd: Skip it. What's wrong with you?
Phil: Ooh, ooh! Where's that court-a-potty? (Grabs it and sits) Ahh!
Bd: Grabber, have you anything to say for yourself? (Grabber hides head with paws) Out with it. Nothing to fear.
Phil: He's clearly guilty, what can he say?
Bd: (Very sympathetic) Clearly he's stunned by these mighty proceedings. Prisoner, stand down, I'll plead your case.
Phil: No, I know this trick, you're gonna try to make me feel sorry for him. Won't work
Bd: Grabber is a Top Dog, an excellent chaser of wolves, isn't that right mister Grabber.
Phil: Objection! There are no wolves around here.
Bd: See how good he is?
Phil: Guilty cheese eater.
Bd: Let's ask the witness. Cheese grater, step up to the stand (Grabber slinks down; Grater stands there) You were in the kitchen on the night of the 15th? (nod) Yes. And you keep an eye on all cheese, right? Was any cheese left unguarded? No. (to Phil) See.?
Phil: She's lying.
Bd: I ask you , look at this dog: noble, upstanding. While his accuser lies around taking, but never giving.
Phil: Oh no, I'm slipping. I think I'm beginning to listen.
Bd: Don't fight it, give in to pity. See his poor children who might be fatherless (Sos leading on puppies, who go up and rub Grabber)
Phil: NO! Not the puppies. No one can win against puppies.
Bd: I rest my case! Can the jury please return a verdict.
Phil: You made your point!
Bd: So yes or no?
Phil: Damn you and your beans, you've got my stomach all in knots I can't think.
Bd: Here, Dad, I'll help you (lead him over to urns). Just drop the pebble in the urn.
Phil: But which one is which?
Bd: The urn on the left is acquit, the right is guilty. (Phil toward right) No, Dad, think.
Phil: Help me! (spun around and puts in left pot)
Bd: There that wasn't so hard. Let's count em. (dumps out one pebble)
Phil: What's the verdict? (afraid to hear)
Bd: In the case of State vs. Grabber: Not guilty (Grabber and puppies happy offstage)
Phil: (heart attack) Not guilty? I can't take it, I acquitted a defendant. Oh, too much heart is hurt for the heart. (fall on floor)
Bd: It's over, Dad.
Phil: Gods, I'm sorry, what have I done. Never before. I can't show my face in court again.
Bd: Don't worry, Dad, I'll see you taken care of, the high life, parties, dinners, the theater. Fun, fun, fun hobnobbing with the highbrows. (picking him up and off)