BLEP: SHIT! (entering from house R, older man, looking uncomfortable and suspicious about sounds, wearing nightie and high heels)
Where is my wife? Nearly dawn and she's gone. (prancing about) Almost an hour or two, looking for my coat and my shoes, and my back door's screaming to drop a big ol' Mr. Poo. So all I could find was my wife's nightie and her foreign slippers. Now where's a nice out of the way place to take a dump. (proceed to centerstage bush, and go in front of it, looking around) Oh who cares at night, right, it's not like anyone will see me. (pulling down shorts ) I was a stupid old man to get married late. I guarantee that woman's not out doing legitimate business. Speaking of doing business (Funny set of noises like animal calls)
NEIGHB: (also old, from L house w/ lamp, wearing nightgown and bedroom slippers, yawn, stretch, listen) Huh? What's that? (BLEP big eyed looking around) Is that my neighbor Blepyrus?
BLEP: (mumbling) Yes, it's Blepyrus, (yell) Zeus damn it.
NEIGHB: (around bush) What's that yellow all over you? Bird shit?
BLEP: No but I had to, and all I could find was my wife's yellow teddy.
NEIGHB: What about your coat?
BLEP: Couldn't find it in the house anywhere!
NEIGHB: Why didn't you ask Praxagora?
BLEP: Not there. slipped out, up to no good, no doubt.
NEIGHB: No shit (BLEP looks, shakes head), it's an epidemic, my wife too, and with my good boots.
BLEP: Yup, mine too. Aren't these nice (to heels) Hurt like hell (Grunt) What you think she's up to? Breakfast at Stephanie's?
NEIGHB: Maybe out with my wife. Your wife's no floozy - as far as I know. (BLEP noise) Man, you must be doing double duty. I gotta be getting to assembly (moving off L) Even in this (to clothes) Happy crapping!
BLEP: (Grunt) Thanks I'm blockaded worse than the whole Athenian navy. I need help. Is there a doctor in the house? Any asshole experts. Sit down, President Nixon, I didn't ask for an expert asshole. How about, President Clinton, though, He's full of shit and he sure knows how to dump a load of it. (groaning heavily) OH, Eileithyia, goddess of childbirth, deliver meEEEE.
CHREMES: (another old man, cane, enter L disgruntled during BLEP's last few lines) Hey. What the... (sniffing like really bad men's room, see Blep). Are you shitting?
BLEP: (trying to straighten up, look around for paper, embarrassed) Nope, oh no, not me, at least not any more (wipe butt on bush)
CHR: (inspecting B's clothes, L of BLEP) Is that a nightgown you're wearing?
BLEP: (backing away a bit embarrassed, grab clothes manly) Yes, Yes, we've done this scene already. Where've you been?
CHR: Assembly.
BLEP: (interested) Over already? (moving L a bit)
CHR: Yes by god and all filled before dawn.
BLEP: But you got your 3 obols (pay gesture), right?
CHR; Damnit, no, the Pnyx was swarming, record attendance (wandering x v R). And they were all as lily white and pasty-faced as accountants at tax time. No pay for lots of us.
BLEP: (v, puzzling) Think I could still get paid?
CHR: Hah! Not even if you'd arrived by second bell.
BLEP: (tragically, xL) Alas, poor obols, I never knew ye. (back to CHR) Anything juicy from assembly.
CHR: Same old, same old, campaign finance reform, dead on arrival (BLEP nod approval), 1 million approved for a national museum for the preservation of navel (gesture to belly-button) lint (BLEP - Good!) Then a pale, good-looking young man popped up to address the congress and moved that in Athens women rule. Those accountants clapped and cheered, very excited. The redneck lobby cried foul.
BLEP: (confident) Good for them
CHR: But the Bubba vote wasn't enough, and the good-looking speaker went on saying nothing BUT good about women, and NOT A THING good about YOU (moving R a bit)
BLEP: (coming closer R) What'd he say about me?
CHR: Let's see (reflecting x BLEP L) He called you a lowdown, thieving scumbag of a squealing informer. That was it.
BLEP: (aghast) Just me?
CHR: Just you, and all those losers (to audience with cane)
BLEP: (to R confident now) Well that's different. Just look at them. You can't argue with the facts.
CHR: He said women have brains, can turn a profit, and never reveal the secrets of their festival days, while we're always running off at the mouth about government business.
BLEP: (toward CHR) He's right about that
CHR: And he said women don't sue everybody and his mother, don't try to suppress democracy, and do an awful lot of good. He said women borrow dresses, jewelry, cute little foofy hair things (gesture, get kind of into it) even money, from each other without witnesses and they always return them while we men are always backing out of deals and cheating.
BLEP: Yea, even WITH witnesses. He's right.
CHR: Women in charge seemed like the only thing we hadn't tried yet.
BLEP: So I don't have to go to jury duty anymore, my wife will? (CHR - Uh, huh) No more up at dawn for work?
CHR: No more bread-winning for the kids - wife brings home the bacon AND fries it up in a pan. (coming together at center)
And you can stay home and fart your life away.
BLEp: (smiling, then suddenly Oh, no) But if they're in charge, before we get breakfast, they'll make us old men do (wince)...
CHR: What?
BLEP: You know (gyrating) the old humpty dumpty. (suddenly ill L, then stop)
CHR: (x BLEP R) Affairs of state. We must rise to the occasion (moving off R) So long friend.
BLEP: Oh well, that's life. Bye (into house stage R)