Chor: (entering toward end of conversation in Scene 4, fanning to sides of audience) To "Pop goes the Weasel" (Ugly enter during this number from L, strutting, puffing on cigarette)

In Athens, here's our Golden Rule: If it ain't fixed, then break it.
Do what you want and then deny it, Pop! instant bull shit.
Personal responsibility is just for losers.
Go the way the money goes. Pop! instant credit.

Chor: Ooh, look what the cat dragged in! (To "Pretty Woman")

Ugly woman, walkin' down the street, ugly woman, the kind I'd hate meet,
Ugly woman... How did you get that way! You drive all the men away!
Mercy!
Ooh, ooh Ugly woman! (Ugly take long drag then nasty smokers cough)

Ugly: (leaning on house door L) Umm (take another drag) where are those men? Here I am all made up and dolled up fo ra party of 2, my trap is baited to catch some man passing by with my little tunes (try to whistle, can't get it out) Oh Muses , lay some lusty lyrics on my luscious lips.
Sweet young Thang: (from balcony R) You old bat, you got downstairs before me again. If you try to get some guy with your croaking, I'll sing one of my own. Audience: I think you'll like this, something grotesquely comic from that thing, then something sweet from me. We like to call this little number, "Dueling Bimbos"
Ugly: (pointing to butt) You can lodge your complaints right here, toots.
(To "California Girls")
A guy who wants a good time needs to come and sleep with me.
That sweet young thang can't support a man like my model of maturity.
Sweet: Don't you go raggin on a girl, just cause her body's hot,
Go put another coat of paint on your face, before your nasty body starts to rot.
Ugly: I hope you can't get any man in your bed for a year.
You can kiss a snake or you can kiss my ass. You'll never get your satisfaction here.
Sweet: Unlike you I get men with my looks not fear.
And my best friend is not Mr. Dildo, dear.
Ugly: I wish they all could see me in something sheer.
Sweet: Oh boyfriend please come rescue your girl from here.

Ugly: Sing all you want: No man beds down with you before me. I'm gonna keep singing for my sweetheart Epigenes.
Sweet: Hah, you've got a lover, old hag? I bet he's a real looker too.
Ugly: (Epigenes, whistling a sad tune; wearing party clothes, a little drunk from L; Ugly move L) See for yourself. here he comes.
Sweet: He's mine, just you wait and see
Ugly: Yea we'll see (duck back out of sight L)
Love song in here, probably "I got you Babe")
Epig: (use Sweet's door knocker)
Ugly: (jumping out from doorway behind Epig) NO, I got you babe! I know you were looking for me.
Epig: (recoil) Aagh. Surely you jest.
Ugly: No and my name's not Shirley., you were banging at my door.
Epig: Wrong house then. I'm not corrupting a major. You're a little past your expiration date. My statute of limitations is 60 years and I only do cases under 20.
Ugly: That's the old law: new act says age before beauty.
Epig: (turning) I don't know what you're talking about. i've gotta bang on this door.
Ugly: (assertively turning him back) No, deary, you gotta bang on this door first (gesturing to crotch)
Epig: No thanks. I may go door-to-door, but I just don't want to know what's behind that door.
Ugly: I know you like me; come on give me a kiss (puckering up)
Epig: (escaping) The hell I will you crazy old cow.
Ugly: Cow, huh, rope me in cowboy. You are getting in my bed. I just love sleeping with boys your age.
Epig:  And I just hate sleeping with (wince) women your age.
Ugly: But you promised!
Epig: The fuck I did!
Ugly: The fuck you did not, that's the problem. This'll get you inside. (pull paper from bra)
The women in congress assembled declare:
If a man desires a young girl, he must first give an old gal a whirl.
If young men will not hump, and old women get dumped, the old ladies may singe his short curls.
Epig: (protecting his privates) Ok, well (painfully) I guess that cinches it, huh? Going to a wedding and a funeral all at once.
(Ugly draggin him inside; Sweet emerges through audience)
Sweet: Where are you dragging him to?
Ugly: I'm taking my man home.
Sweet: He's too young for you, you're more his mother than his wife. If you old women enforce the law, we'll have a whole country full of Oedipuses.
Ugly: You slut, you're just jealous. Nice objection, but I'll get you my pretty (cackling as leaves ^ L)
Epig: (going after Sweet  C) By all the gods (down on knees smooching hand) you've saved me from worse than death. I owe you a big token of my appreciation - I mean really big (raise eyebrows; to audience - Nice pickup line huh? girl leading him toward house L)
Uglier: (from R loud) Hey, where youtaking him, lawbreaker? He's got to sleep with me first.
Epig: (turning around) Oh gods, what a vision of ugliness (moving C), more repulsive than the first one.
Uglier: Get over here (Sweet tap foot in disgust and throw up hands off through audience)
Epig: (turning back where girl should be) Save m... (Elvisy - Since my baby left me...
Uglier: Shut up. Inside now (trying to lead off R)
Ugliest: (from audience) Hey you. Where do you think you're going with her? (Epig don't turn back to see Ugliest)
Epig: I assure you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm being kidnapped. But whoever you are bless you for saving me... (turn L) God almighty, what is it? Who monkeyed with your makeup? Or are you some rotting corpse puked up from the underworld.
Ugliest: (starting to yank L) Come on big Boy.
Uglier: Oh no, this way! (Jerking other way. Chorus starts thinking they're at a women's wrestling match, make up lines)
Ugliest: He's mine
Uglier: MINE.
Epig: You'll rip me apart you hell beasts.
Uglier: the law says you must bang me.
Ugliest: Not if an uglier woman comes along.
Epig: If you 2 destroy me how do I do my Sweet young Thang?
Ugliest: That's your problem. Right now, you've got to do this (wild gyrating move)
Epig: Which  (covering eyes) of you 2 do I have to poke first to get away?
Ugliest: Well obviously me. Just look at me. Ain't I the ugliest thing you ever saw?
Epig: Then make her let me go.
Uglier: No youre coming with me.
Epig: If she'll let go.
Ugliest: No by Zeus.
Uglier: Me either.
Epig: That's the athenian way, screw unto others, before they screw unto you! how can I man these 2 boats with only one oar.
Uglier: I've got raw oysters, chocolate...
Ugliest: Viagra baby. Thank you Bob Dole. (both leading him off L through house door, he tries to hold out)
Epig: Oh no, right on the edge, at the door to hell! (Ugliest pulling, Uglier pushing)
Uglier & Ugliest: You're mine, all mine.
Epig: How'd I get tagged for baggin these hags? When they're done with me, just post a marker.
Here lies a man who'd have died to get laid.
Now he's dead, laid out flat, caused by others' old age!  Help meeeee

Maid: (enter fr L going across to Prax house R - drunk, slurred speech)
God bless Athens, bless our land, bless this mess, bless my lady, the leading lady (hiccup and/or burp) bless me. The wine's really been flowing since the women took over. Whoopee! (go right v C to call chorus)
Women where's my mistress' husband? (Blep through audience w/ 2 ladies) Master you lucky, no double lucky, no triple lucky man (miscounting and confused through this)
Blep: (turned to audience; knowingly) Who me?
Maid: Yea, your wife told me to get you and the young girls for dinner. And you (to audience) you should get there too before it'a all gone.
Blep: Invite them all - old senile folks, bratty children, slaves, barbarians, even deans. Me I'm ready for dessert (indicating 2 girls - Amy slap him)
Chorus Lead: (front and center to audience,  loud) You sorry sack of cow chips, when you move your big fat asses out of those comfy chairs  (all right, not so comfy) make sure you remember what you learned today. I don't know what the hell that is, but remember it. You are dismissed (chorus member go to her ear and remind her). Oh yeah, you are dismissed as soon as this little obligatory company dance number. I have no idea why Aristophanes always has us do this. Seems kinda stupid to me. Ok ready a one and a 2 and dance!
"Can-can from Orpheus in the Underworld"
1 stanza of cancan plays and dancing begins, go out in audience
2nd stanza: On our national buffet we'll have some
apple bean curd dill egg fishy gravy ham iced jelly kiwi
lima meat nut oatmeal pea quiche rice salt tater uncooked veggie walnut xanthan yogurt ziti.

One more stanza ends it, with wild dancing , try to get people to dance with you, don't push it, just dance)

On last few beats sing "That's the end go home!"