Femme Phantasmagoria
French Scene 5
(We will check to see if this scene can be
done on the raised console otherwise follow as below)
Kin: (x R to Eur sympathetic as Eur weeps uncontrollably)
Euripides! Buddy! Cousin! Take it like a man! Tell this guy/this gay to go to
hell. I'll do anything you need.
Eur: (instantly ends weeping, turn back to Kin, with horrible grin on face)
Anything? Ok, (suddenly enthusiastic) strip down (Kin taken aback and backing
toward center). Strip em, now.
Kin: (one piece strip or quick strip to old man teeshirt and boxers with a
phallus hanging out) All right, stripping! Is this one of those seeing or
hearing things? What do you want with me?
Eur: Hair removal (grab his beard, Kin now almost sobbing at each loss). Here.
Here (back, chest, turning him like a top). Here (legs, tickle reaction) And
here (suggest around his phallus, Kin very uncomfortable)
Kin: Did I say anything? Ok
Eur; (cross to Ag at couch) Agathon, could you lend us your razor.
Ag: (distracted, casual pointing with hand) Take one - right there (point
to case below R)
Eur: What a gentle….man! (Get razor, out, get one of Ag's slaves to plug it in
to make hum noise, back to Kin, cringing) Stand still, cheek out (Kin thinks
butt, grabs his) Not yet (Kin disturbed) Other one, left cheek (grab his hair
and start in hard with razor on beard, not working) Awh, hell. (rip off half
his beard, Kin off and screaming right) You look like a fool half shaved, Come
back.
Kin: NO, I don't want to BE the sacrifice to Demeter (Eur. patting foot like
disappointed mother)
Eur: Come on.
Kin: (disappointed back to Eur) All right. (Eur counter on his R with razor, a
little effort with razor then slowly peel off other half of beard, Kin agony)
Eur: There. Stop squealing. (stepping around back to take a good look at other
side) You look (pause) good under there. Wanna see? (reach in box for a
mirror)
Kin: I don't know, do I? (mirror presented) AAGH (Scream face from Munch
painting) I , I see Kleisthenes.
Eur: Now some work down here. (reach in box for electrolysis tool, maybe a
curling iron, and replace with razor, other slave make sure to unplug the cord from
wall) Bend over. Spread em. Watch out for Slick Willy there.
Kin: I will, by Zeus (snatching phallus away, Eur quick moves over his legs,
Kin wincing and running around in a circle) Ooh, ooh, I'm on fire, water,
water.
Eur: (thinking about doing his butt, Kin moving away) That should be good,
everything else will be covered, but we must take care to keep THAT under
wraps. ) Agathon, since you won't be attending the festival, can we borrow a
bra and a dress for him; you do have
extras.
Agathon: Of course, take what you need.
Kin: (now a bit into it, x Eur to box, start pawing through it maybe throw out
a few naughty items; hold up two dresses, one conservative one outlandish)
Which one (hold up in front, modeling)?
Eur: Oh, this one
Kin: (sniffing) By Aphrodite, what an aroma - so fruity (say it funny). Help me
belt it up (slip on frombottom and belt). Now the bra (put on then finish with
dress).
Eur: (to Ag) Do you have a hairnet, or a hat?
Ag: Better! My nighttime wig (a bad one, get it out for Eur)
Eur: That's it, perfect (give to Kin)
Kin: (putting on wig and primping) Well? How do I look?
Eur: Shoes?
Ag: Here, wear mine.
Kin: Will they fit me? You're a little (pause) light in the loafers, after all.
Ag: (flamboyantly onto the couch) You ARE woman! Roar! Now take me home, boys.
(carried out)
French Scene 6
Eur: (at C, moving around Kin to R to look him over) Now you look
ladylike, but make sure you sound womanish, and be believable.
Kin: (Southern belle) I'll try.
Eur: Now go to work (quickly starting to leave off R)
Kin: (concerned) Gods, no. You hang on. You have to promise me that you'll do
everything you can to rescue me if there's any trouble.
Eur: (bothered by delay) Ok, I swear by Airy Aether, abode of Zeus.
Kin: (exasperated, sarcastic) Oh, what a FIRM oath – a little more CONCRETE
please.
Eur: Then I swear (painfully spitting out the words) by all the gods.
(relieved)
Kin: (tragically) Recollect, in your own words from Hippolytus, that thy heart hath sworn, not thy tongue alone.
Eur: Just go. (women beginning to enter from back and up from audience R and L
slowly congregating – spread out in pairs and congregate on R and L landings by
end of Kin’s speech) The festival is about to begin (Eur slinking away to
disappear off R – Agathon’s guys reenter to set up 2 chairs and podium at R –
Kin gives next speech wandering R to L and back to R)
Kin: (playing a stereotyped woman talking among girlfriends) Oh girls, look at
this gorgeous assembly hall, and it has lights, and chairs and a speaker
thingy. Oh two goddesses (fake prayer), Demeter and Pepperoni, Persymphony,
whatever your girl's name is, grant that I get away with my womaninity today.
Bless my children, my son, Little Dick, give him a big (pause) heart, and my
daughter, Pussy Galore, grant her a rich husband who's dumb as a brick. Well, I
want to hear real good, so where should I sit (He takes seat near podium – Mika
has taken seat closest to podium, this is clearly not for him and steals it
from Kritylla who goes back up R to confer with other women there).
French Scene 7
Herald: (Coming down R aisle with kazoo
to get attention; music begins) Silence before the two goddesses. Lift prayers
to Wealth, to Hermes and the Graces: Bless this convocation in its excellence.
Fortune to the sovereign citizens of Athens, and to her not so sovereign women.
In fact, that really ticks us off, sets us to PMSing all over the place. By all
the gods and all the goddesses, be it resolved that: If any woman conspires to
harm the (disgust) completely disenfranchised, always walked on, neglected,
overlooked women, or if any woman does a secret contra deal with the
Iranians or Euripides, or helps a brutal dictator, or abuses a woman who claims
another's child as her own, or tells a woman's husband that his wife's been
playing hide the salami with her loverboy, or is an old woman, let's call
her Demi, who goes with guys much too young for her, or is a prostitute, let's
call her Paris, who is never too put out to put out (bite thumbs, cast hands
about, spit) on all them. This is our prayer. And now cry the mystic cry: (very
silly with a gesture and holy hand shake at the end) Ié Paion, Ié Paion,
(all women, drag it out) Ié Paion! Now it's party time. The sacred hymn,
all together.
Parodos (Opening Chorus) To
middle passage of Queen
Bohemian Rhapsody
Chor Leader 1 (coming from L):
(step out solemnly before your line) We say amen and pray to all the gods
Chor: Hear our prayer, hear our
prayer, Zeus almighty in heaven.
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Solo High: Lord Apollo Solo
Low: Seed of Leto (repeat 1x)
Together: Lord Apollo Artemis -
twins of Leto-0-0-0-0
Chor Leader 1: Praise to Athena,
patron of Attica
Chor: Praise to Athena, Athens'
great protector,
hail to Poseidon in the fishy sea.
Chor Leader 1: Mountain nymphs,
Nereids, maidens of the woods.
Chor:Apollo! Split: Lord of lyre and golden bow - Split: Golden Bow.
Chor: Apollo! Split: Lord of lyre and golden bow Split: Golden Bow
Split: Lyre and golden bow Split:
Golden Bow
Split: Lyre and golden bow Split:
Golden Bow-ow-ow-ow-ow
Chor: Golden, Golden, Golden
Bow.
Chor Lead 1: Mama Leto, Mama
Leto, Mama Leto, Golden Bow
Chor: Oh women come to our
meeting if you are wealthy, wealthy, wealthy.
Chor Lead 2:
Any sister who makes a false oath, should take ca-a-are.
Tell our secrets to enemies, better bewa-a-are.
Zeus almighty! Bless this great women's party.
Bring all the gods, bring all the gods to our aid.
(rock on; wipe your forehead and gesture calmly for everyone to be seated: Be
seated please – women split to first few seats on either end of first row)
Kinsman should have tried to fit in with gestures over to
right standing
French Scene 8
Herald: (out C) Oyez! Motion:
that this second day of Thesmophoria, because there's not much to do, the women
meet in assembly to discuss how we (getting gradually nastier, kind of witchlike)
punish Euripides, who is as we all know a despicable, loathsome, scumbag.
(composed) Who will speak first? (Herald moves off L to sit)
Mika: (rising) I will. (take
podium) My fellow women,
I do not rise to speak today, because of my ambition,
Instead I must defend our sex against the opposition.
Euripides, whose mama works a produce stand, writes plays
That never cease attacking us in nasty, vicious ways.
His tragedies claim that all of us are gossipy, drunken whores.
Because of him our husbands have started locking us indoors.
Those bastards started looking round the house for hidden lovers.
They've changed the locks so now we can't get in the kitchen cupboards.
Who has caused this aggravation? Euripides
Who changed our domestic situation? Euripides
Who taught our husbands to mistrust us with his wild exaggerations? Euripides
Who do we want to suffer everlasting, unstopping, never ceasing hell fire and
damnation? Audience: Euripides Mika: Eu-who? Audience: Euripides.
That's music to my ears.
To Commodores Brick
House Vocals are on here and need to cut to end
http://www.fortunecity.com/tinpan/ash/603/brickhouse.mid
Women rising from seats – funky – to dance center
Chor: She's a slick - Chick,
She's mighty mighty, letting the right words out,
She's a slick - Chick. The lady's mind, is so refined, ain't holding nothing
back
She's a slick - Chick. She's mighty, mighty, letting the words right out.
She's a slick - Chick. She's the one, the only one, that acts like a Amazon.
Mika Mika Mika Mika, shake it down now (repeat to fade)
French Scene 9
Woman = Angela (has been inspired by the
dance to testify, women slowly trying to take seats, some still standing on
sides) Sister Mika has expressed what we all feel. I have my own story to
share. My husband, bless his soul, died in the war, leaving me with five little
ones to feed. My only wages come from the wreaths I sell to worshippers in the
market. I was doing fine until this tragedy of a man, Euripides, convinced men
that the gods don't exist. My sales are down 50%. Please, women, don't let this
man's crimes go unpunished. His wild, uncultivated attacks on us come straight
from his upbringing and that mama of his who peddles her wild, uncultivated
veggies in the agora. Thank you (stepping back from podium)
to BeeGees More
Than A Woman
Chor:This woman's testimony makes me cry. She's got it all, just like the
first. Her words alone could help us fry this guy!
Mika: (suddenly inspired to sing) Euripides will surely pay, I feel it in my
heart. If gods and women suffer so, they'll tear that man apart.
Chor: She's more than a woman! More than a woman to me! More than a woman, more
than a woman to me!
French Scene 10
Kin: (barging in and taking the podium,
literally move it) I'm not surprised you're angry at Euripides, ladies, the way
he puts you down. Why, listen here, I have good reason to hate that man too.
Can we talk here? You will be discreet, won't you. I want to get a lot off my
chest.
Why are we charging Euripides for telling the few things HE DOES know we do, when he hasn't told the THOUSANDS of things we REALLY do. Take me for example: I was just a newlywed sleeping with my husband one night. Then there was this little knock on the door. I knew that knock (knowingly), it was my boyfriend, the one who deflowered me. So I went downstairs, and my husband asked (fake manly voice) "Where you going?" "Oh, I've got a tummy ache, dear. I gotta go." While he's mixing up some herbal crap, I'm oiling the hinges so he doesn't hear me go out to my lover. (You're acting out this story away from the podium, trying to relate to individual women) Then, I grabbed hold of a tree, bent over, and got me a good humpin. Euripides never put that in a tragedy, now did he?
And he's never told anybody how we get the slaves to bang us,
when nobody else can. So Euripides talks shit about Phaedra. Why should that
matter to us, unless we've got the hots for our stepsons? (looking for
agreement, getting mouths agape) Isn’t that what we do? (defiant) Well, it is,
by Artemis, and then we haul off on Euripides, when we don't get half of what
we deserve.
To Guess Who American
Woman
Chor: Who the hell is this woman!? Listen what you say. Who the hell are you
woman? Just step away.
Kritylla: Where do you get off blabbing such crap? You need to sit down and
shut your big trap..
Talking bout our sex lives in front of a crowd, even if it's true, don't shout
it out loud.
Chor: Oh woman? Where'd they dig you up? Lakedaemonian woman, why don't you
shut up?