Cast:
Xanthias, Dionysus' attendant
Dionysus, god of theater
Heracles
Corpse, on his way to Hades
Charon, ferryman to Hades
Chorus of Frogs, dwelling in a lake near Hades
Chorus, inititates in the Eleusinian Mysteries
Aeacus, Hades' doorman
Female servant to Persephone
Pandokeutria, landlady of an Inn
Plathane, a second landlady
A Slave in Hades' household
Hades. Lord of the Underworld
Euripides, a tragic playwright
Aeschylus, a tragic playwright
Enter Dionysus on foot dressed in the skin of
the Nemean Lion, and the club of Heracles in his hand, and Xanthias heavilyladen
on a donkey.
Xanthias
Master, should I tell one of those usual jokes which always make the audience
laugh?
Dionysus
By Zeus, say what you want--except “I'm hard pressed” Forget that one,
it's really quite annoying.
Xanthias
Nothing else witty either?
Dionysus
Anything but “What a strain!”
Xanthias
What then? Can I say the really funny one?
Dionysus
Of course, Go right ahead--but don't let me catch you saying this.
Xanthias
What's that?
Dionysus
That you must shift your pack to ease yourself.
Xanthias
Well, can't I say I've got such a load on me, unless someone takes it off,
I'll bust a gut?
Dionysus
Please don't, unless you wish to make me sick.
Xanthias
So why should I have to carry all this stuff, without doing any of the
jokes that Phrynichus and Lycis and Ameipsias always make
baggage-carriers say in all their comedies?
Dionysus
Just don't. Since when I'm in the theater and hear any of these stupid
jokes, I go away just older by a year.
Xanthias
Alas, poor wretched me! My neck is really strained, but can't crack the
joke.
Dionysus
Now is this not outrage and utter insolence, That I myself, Dionysos, son
of Winejug, must walk, and let this fellow ride, so he might feel
no pain and bear no burden?
Xanthias
What? I bear no burden?
Dionysus
How can you bear anything? You're riding.
Xanthias
But I've got all this!
Dionysus
How so?
Xanthias
Most heavily!
Dionysus
The weight you carry- isn't it carried by the donkey?
Xanthias
Absolutely not; not what I'm holding and carrying.
Dionysus
How can you carry, for God's sake, when you yourself are carried by another?
Xanthias
I don't know, but my shoulder's sure hard pressed.
Dionysus
Well, since you say the donkey doesn't help, Suppose you take your turn,
and carry him.
Xanthias
Unhappy wretch! Why didn't I join the navy? Then I'd tell you to whistle
a different tune!
Dionysus
You scoundrel, get on down! Here's the door I'm walking to, the first place
I must stop.--Ho, porter! porter there, I say. [38]
Heracles
Who banged the door? Like a Centaur Someone drove into it. Say, what's
this?
Dionysus
My boy!
Xanthias
Well, what?
Dionysus
Didn't you notice?
Xanthias
No, what?
Dionysus
How afraid he was...
Xanthias
That you might lose your mind.
Heracles
Oh, by Demeter, I can't help but laugh! I'll bite my lip--but still I've
got to laugh!
Dionysus
Come here, my good man. I need to ask you a favor.
Heracles
I just can't stifle this laughter, seeing a lion's skin thrown over that
saffron gown--What does it mean? How have club and buskin joined forces?
Where in the world were you going?
Dionysus
I was on board of Cleisthenes.
Heracles
And were you at the naval battle?
Dionysus
Yes, and we sank some twelve or thirteen hostile ships.
Heracles
You two?
Dionysus
Aye, by Apollo.
Xanthias
And then I woke up!
Dionysus
And while I was on board, reading the Andromeda, suddenly a craving smote
my heart, you'll never guess how strong.
Heracles
A craving? How big?
Dionysus
Small, like Molon.
Heracles
For a woman?
Dionysus
Oh no.
Heracles
A boy?
Dionysus
Not at all!
Heracles
A man?
Dionysus
Argh!
Heracles
You did it with Cleisthenes?
Dionysus
Don't make fun, brother, I've really got it bad, Such passionate desire
torments me so. [60]
Heracles
What is it, little brother?
Dionysus
I can't explain. But still I'll try to tell you in a riddle. Did you ever
feel a sudden urge for soup?
Heracles
Soup! Yowee! Ten thousand times so far.
Dionysus
Have I made it clear, or should I try again?
Heracles
Not about the soup, I fully comprehend.
Dionysus
Well, just so great a wish gnaws at me now--For my Euripides.
Heracles
And dead, at that!
Dionysus
And now no mortal shall persuade me not to Go after him.
Heracles
What, down to hell?
Dionysus
That's right, and lower still if possible.
Heracles
With what intent?
Dionysus
I want a clever poet, for the race is now extinct--all who survive are
bad.
Heracles
What! Isn't Iophon alive?
Dionysus
Well, he's the only good thing left, if he's good at all. I don't even
know for sure if that's the case.
Heracles
Why don't you bring back Sophocles, Euripides' superior, if you've really
got to take one?
Dionysus
Not before I take Iophon aside all by himself, and test what he does without
Sophocles. Besides, Euripides is such a scoundrel, he might well try to
run away with me, but Sophocles was easy going here, and easy going there
as well.
Heracles
And where is Agathon?
Dionysus
Oh, he has left us; a decent poet, lamented by his friends.
Heracles
Where has he gone?
Dionysus
To the banquet of the Blest.
Heracles
And where's Xenoclees?
Dionysus
Oh, God! May he drop dead!
Heracles
What of Pythangelus?
Xanthias
No word of me, long suffering with this shoulder ache of mine! [89]
Heracles
Surely you must have some other youngsters, At least ten thousand tragic
playwrights, All babbling miles further than Euripides.
Dionysus
These are but stunted offshoots and mere blatherings, showcases of swallows,
banes of The Art, which disappear at once, if they get a single chorus,
just one chance to piss on tragedy. You'll not find one creative poet,
if you looked, to bawl a noble sentiment.
Heracles
Creative, how?
Dionysus
Creative like one who utters some great risky phrase like this: “The
airy hall of Zeus”, or “foot of time”, or “heart that would
not swear by all that's holy” and “tongue that swears, without consent
of mind.”
Heracles
This pleases you?
Dionysus
I'm crazy about it!
Heracles
I think it's trash. I'm sure you think so too.
Dionysus
Don't try to run my mind, mind your own business.
Heracles
Well, I repeat, it just seems completely rubbish.
Dionysus
Teach me how to eat!
Xanthias
No word of me!
Dionysus
But this is why I have come in this getup to look like you; so you would
inform me who they were who took you in, in case I needed them, the ones
you found down there when you went after Cerberus: Describe to me the harbours,
bakers' shops, brothels, rest stops, detours, springs, and roads, the towns,
their customs, and the inns Where there are fewest bugs.
Xanthias
No word of me! [116]
Heracles
Why, you rash fellow, will you too dare to go?
Dionysus
No more of that, but tell me Which of the roads will bring us quickest
down to Hell, And one that's not too hot, nor yet too cold.
Heracles
Well, let me see, which shall I tell you first, which one? There's one
starting with a cord and stool, Just hang yourself!
Dionysus
Stop--that's suffocation.
Heracles
Well here's another short well-beaten track, The pestle and mortar route.
Dionysus
You mean hemlock!
Heracles
Exactly.
Dionysus
Too cold and wintry. Your shins freeze off immediately.
Heracles
Well, shall I tell you of a quick and downhill path?
Dionysus
Oh yes, I'm really no great walker.
Heracles
Just slip on down to Ceramicus.
Dionysus
Then what?
Heracles
Climb up onto the top of the tower.
Dionysus
And do what?
Heracles
From there observe the torch race starting up, And when the spectators
cry “The're off!” You go off too.
Dionysus
Go where?
Heracles
Below.
Dionysus
But then I'd lose the two dolmades of my brain! I'd never go that way.
Heracles
How will you go?
Dionysus
The road you went.
Heracles
It's a hell of a haul. Right off you'll come to an enormous lake, A fathomless
abyss!
Dionysus
How will I get across?
Heracles
In a little boat--just so big!--an aged mariner will take you over, and
take two obols for your fare.
Dionysus
Bah, how powerful those two obols everywhere! How'd they get there?
Heracles
Theseus introduced them. And after this you'll see ten thousand snakes
And terrible wild beasts.
Dionysus
Don't frighten me or make me scared. You won't turn me aside
Heracles
Then a great slough of ever-flowing dung, and in it lie any who ever wronged
his guest, or screwed a boy and took back the pay, Or thrashed his mother,
or smacked his father's jaw, or swore a perjured oath, Or copied out a
speech of Morsimus. [152]
Dionysus
Now, by the Gods, besides these there should be Whoever learned Kinesias'
pyrrhic dance.
Heracles
Next a breath of pipes will surround you, you'll see a shining light, just
like up here, then myrtle groves, and happy choirs of men and woman mixed
who loudly clap their hands.
Dionysus
And who are these?
Heracles
These are the Mystic celebrants.
Xanthias
By God, I am the donkey at the Mysteries! But I won't put up with this
for one more minute!
Heracles
And these will tell you all you wish to know, For they live closest by
the way to Pluto's door. And now farewell, my brother.
Dionysus
Thanks, and you too prosper. But you, take the baggage up again.
Xanthias
What, before I've laid it down?
Dionysus
Yes, sir, at once.
Xanthias
No, please, I beg you, but hire someone from the funeral party, who's coming
just for this.
Dionysus
And if I don't find any?
Xanthias
Then I'll carry it.
Dionysus
That's fair. And sure enough, they're bringing out a corpse right here.
Hallo you there ! --you, the dead man, I mean; Will you take this baggage
down to Hell?
Corpse
How much is there?
Dionysus
This here.
Corpse
Will you pay two drachmas?
Dionysus
God no, less than that.
Corpse
Get out of the way, you!
Dionysus
[175] Wait, my good man, maybe we can strike a bargain.
Corpse
If you don't put down two drachmas, no deal.
Dionysus
Come, take nine obols.
Corpse
I'd rather be alive again.
Xanthias
How arrogant this damned fellow is--drop dead! I'll go myself.
Dionysus
You're tried and true. Let's go to the boat.
Charon
Avast, lay her to.
Xanthias
What's this?
Dionysus
This? The lake, of course, the very one he mentioned, and now I see the
boat.
Xanthias
Me too, by Poseidon, and this one here is Charon.
Dionysus
Ah Charon, Charon, cheery, cheery Charon! [185]
Charon
Who's bound for the retreat from strife and woe? Who is for Lethe's plain?
who comes for donkey's wool? who for the Cerberians, or the crows, or Taenarus?
Dionysus
That's me.
Charon
Then get in quick.
Dionysus
Where do you think we'll stop? At the crows, really?
Charon
Absolutely, just for you. Get in.
Dionysus
Here, boy.
Charon
I will not take the Slave, unless he fought at sea, to save his hide.
Xanthias
Oh God, not me--I happened to have an eye infection.
Charon
Then you must run around the lake.
Xanthias
So where should I wait up?
Charon
By the Stone of Withering At the rest-stop.
Dionysus
You hear?
Xanthias
O yes, I hear, unhappy wretch, whom did I cross when I set out?
Charon
Sit down at the oar, If anyone else is sailing, hurry up! Hey, you, what
are you doing?
Dionysus
What am I doing? What else but sitting on the oar, where you commanded.
Charon
Come, fatso, just sit down there.
Dionysus
See?
Charon
Grasp the oar, stretch out your hands.
Dionysus
See?
Charon
Stop fooling around; lean your body forward, And pull with a will.
Dionysus
How can I row? Inexperienced, un-seafaring, unSalaminian.
Charon
It's easy. You'll hear songs most delightful, when once you lay into it.
Dionysus
From whom?
Charon
The marvelous music of the frogswans.
Dionysus
Then order away!
Charon
Heave ho, heave ho-- [209]
Chorus of Frogs
Brekekekex koax koax, Brekekekex koax koax, Marshy children of the waters,
the harmonious cry of hymns, Let us sing, my sweet song, Koaxkoax, which
for Nysian Dionysos, son of Zeus, we sang at Limnae when in drunken revelry
at the Feast of the Jars the crowd of people marches to my sanctuary. Brekekekex
koax koax,
Dionysus
I'm starting to hurt my butt, Koax koax! Maybe it doesn't bother you!
Frogs
Brekekekex koax koax. [225]
Dionysus
Go to hell with your koax koax and nothing but koax!
Frogs
Rightly so, you busybody. the Muses of the fine lyre love us And so does
horn-crested Pan, playing his reed pipe. And the harpist Apollo delights
in us as well, On account of the reed, which as a bridge for his lyre I
nourish in the water of the pond. Brekekekex koax koax.
Dionysus
I've got blisters, and for long now my rump's been sweating. It's going
to pop up and say--
Frogs
Brekekekex koax koax.
Dionysus
Song-loving brood, Stop!
Frogs
No, all the more will we sing, if ever On a sunshiny day, we leaped through
the weeds and the rushes, rejoicing in the song's diving melodies,
or fleeing Zeus' rain at the bottom our watery dance-- song we sang with
bubbles and splashes.
Dionysus
Brekekekex koax koax. I'll just take this from you.
Frogs
Ah, then we'll suffer horribly.
Dionysus
But I suffer worse, if I explode as I row.
Frogs
Brekekekex koax koax.
Dionysus
Croak on--it doesn't bother me.
Frogs
You bet we'll shout as much as our throats can hold, all day long.
Dionysus
Brekekekex koax koax. You won't beat me with that.
Frogs
And you won't beat us at all.
Dionysus
Nor you me, oh no, Never! For I will shout if I have to, all day long,
until I vanquish you with this koax. brekekekex koax koax. [268]
Dionysus
I knew I'd finally stop you from ko-axing!
Charon
Stop, stop--now bring to with your oar, Get out and pay your fare.
Dionysus
Here, two obols.Oh, Xanthias--where is Xanthias? Hey, Xanthias!
Xanthias
Ahoy!
Dionysus
Come here.
Xanthias
Welcome, master.
Dionysus
What's this here?
Xanthias
Darkness and sludge.
Dionysus
Have you met here with any parricides Or perjurers, as he told us?
Xanthias
Haven't you?
Dionysus
By Poseidon, yes. l think I see some now. (Looking
to the audience.) Well now, what do we do next?
Xanthias
We had best go on;This is the place where wild beasts are, That fellow
said.
Dionysus
He be hanged!He was pretending, just to frighten me.He knows that I'm a
warrior, and he's jealous.There's nothing quite so boastful as that Heracles.Now
I should only like to meet with some adventure,To win some contest worthy
of our trip.
Xanthias
Of course. Wait! I think I hear a noise.
Dionysus
Where, where is it?
Xanthias
Behind you.
Dionysus
Get behind me!
Xanthias
But now it's in front.
Dionysus
Get in front then!
Xanthias
And now, by Zeus, l see a monstrous beast.
Dionysus
What kind?
Xanthias
O horrible! it takes all kinds of shapes,Now it's an ox, and now a mule,
and nowA lovely woman.
Dionysus
Where is she? I'll go meet her.
Xanthias
Wait, now it's not a woman, but a bitch.
Dionysus
Why, this must be Empusa.
Xanthias
Ah! her whole face burns like fire.
Dionysus
Does she have a leg of bronze?
Xanthias
By Poseidon, yes--and the other is cow dung, Be sure of it.
Dionysus
Where can I escape?
Xanthias
And where can I?
Dionysus
Oh priest, preserve me now, to be your drinking buddy.
Xanthias
Oh! we are lost, my royal Heracles.
Dionysus
Don't call me that, I beg you. Man, never use that name.
Xanthias
Well, Dionysus then.
Dionysus
That's worse than the other.
Xanthias
Well, never mind, come on, my noble master.
Dionysus
What do you mean?
Xanthias
Cheer up, we've done all right, And we may say just like Hegelochus, “And
from the storm I see once more calm-ari.” Empusa's gone.
Dionysus
You swear it?
Xanthias
By Zeus.
Dionysus
Swear it again.
Xanthias
I swear by Zeus.
Dionysus
Again.
Xanthias
By Zeus!
Dionysus
Good grief, how I grew pale at the sight of her.
Xanthias
But this thing of yours got stained reddish brown with fear.
Dionysus
Alas, why do these wretched ills befall me? Now which of all the Gods shall
I accuse of my destruction? “The airy hall of Zeus, or foot of
time?”
Sound of a pipe is heard within.
Dionysus
Hey!
Xanthias
What is it?
Dionysus
Didn't you hear?
Xanthias
Hear what?
Dionysus
The puff of pipes.
Xanthias
Oh yes, and now a whiff of torches wafted over me most mystically.
Dionysus
Let's crouch down here and listen silently. [316]
Chorus of Initiates
O Iacchus, Iacchus O, O Iacchus, Iacchus O!
Xanthias
This is it, Master. The band of initiates are singing here, the ones he
mentioned to us. They're chanting Diagoras' Hymn to Iacchus.
Dionysus
I think so too, so keeping quiet's the best thing, so we can learn for
sure. [323]
Chorus
Iacchus, here abiding in temples most reverend, Iacchus, O Iacchus,
come to dance in this meadow; to your holy mystic bands Shake the
leafy crown around your head, brimming with myrtle, Boldly stomp your feet
in time to the wild fun-loving rite, with full share of the Graces, the
holy dance, sacred to your mystics. [337]
Xanthias
O reverend mistress daughter of Demeter, How sweet that roast pork smells
to me!
Dionysus
Keep quiet, if you want to get a piece of sausage. [340]
Chorus
Awake, for it has come tossing torches in hand, Iacchos, Oh Iacchos, the
light-bringing star of our nocturnal rite. Now the meadow brightly burns
Old men's knees start to sway. They shake away their pains and the long
cycles of ancient years Through your holy rite. Beaming with your torch,
lead forth to the flowering stretch of marsh the youth that makes
your choruses, o blessed one! [354]
Let him be mute and stand aside from our sacred dances who has no experience
of mystical language, or has not cleansed his mind Who never has seen and
never has danced in the rites of the noble Muses Nor ever has been inducted
into the Bacchic mysteries of beef-eating Cratinus Or who takes delight
in foolish words when doing this is ill-timed, Whoever does not eliminate
hateful factionalism, and is disagreeable to the citizens, but kindles
and fans civil strife, in his thirst for private advantage: Whoever takes
bribes when guiding the state through the midst of a storm Or betrays our
forts or our ships, smuggles contraband from Aegina As Thorycion did, that
wretched collector of taxes Sending pads and sails and pitch to Epidauros,
Or persuades anyone to send supplies to the enemies' ships, Or defiles
Hecate's shrine, while singing dithyrambs, Or any politician who bites
off the pay of the poets For being ridiculed in the ancestral rites of
Dionysus. All these I warn, and twice I warn, and thrice I warn again,
stand aside from our mystical dances; but as for you: arouse the song and
the night-long dances, that belong to our festival here. [372]
Each one boldly marches to the flowery meadows and glens stamping in time
jesting, joking and mocking; we've breakfasted enough. But onward now and
nobly extol The Saving goddess, as you chant the melody, she who claims
to save our land as the seasons pass even against Thorycion's will. [384]
Come now, sing a different strain of hymn to the harvest queen, the goddess
Demeter, gracing her with sacred airs. Demeter, mistress of our holy rites,
be present now and preserve your song and dance. And grant that I may sport
and dance the livelong day in safety. and that I may say much that is funny
and much that is serious and, as befits your festival, may I play and joke
and win the day, and wear the victor's crown. [396]
Now then Summon the god of the hour with your songs the partner of this
dance of ours. Iacchus, honored by all, deviser of our festal song most
sweet, follow us here to the goddess and show us how you travel a long
road with ease. Iacchus, lover of the dance, lead me onward, for as a joke
and to save money you split my sandal and rags, and found a way for us
to sport and dance scot-free. Iacchus, lover of the dance, lead me
onward, [411] For I just now caught a sidelong glance of a very cute girl,
a partner in our dance, and through a rip in her robe I saw a titty peeping
out. Iacchus, lover of the dance, lead me onward. [417]
Dionysus
Well, I'm always ready to join in the fun, and I want to dance with her.
Xanthias
Me too!
Chorus
Do you want to join together and make fun of Archedemos? When he was seven
he hadn't grown citizen teeth but now he's a big politician
amongst the corpses up above. And he takes first prize for villainy.
And Cleisthenes I hear among the tombstones plucks his rear and rips his
cheeks beats his breast and bends down low weeping and wailing for Sebinos,
the Anaphlystian. And Callias they say The son of Horsescrew fights naval
battles with a lion skin covering his crack. [435]
Dionysus
Could you tell us Where Pluto lives around here? We're strangers, just
arrived.
Chorus
You needn't go far and don't ask me again, but know that you've come to
the very door.
Dionysus
Pick them up again, my boy.
Xanthias
This business is nothing but that old cliché “Zeus' Corinth”--it bugs
me!
Chorus
Onward! In the sacred round dance of the goddess, in the flower-bearing
grove sporting with all who partake in festival dear to the goddess
I will go with the women and girls where they dance all night for the goddess,
to bring the sacred torch. [449]
Chorus
Let's march to the flowery meadows, blooming with roses, revelling in our
fashion with song and fairest dance which the blessed Fates array.
We alone enjoy the sun and the light who have been initiated and follow
the way of piety towards strangers and laymen.
Dionysus
Well, how should I knock on the door now? How? How do the natives here
knock on doors?
Xanthias
Don't waste time, take a bite of the door, Just like Heracles, since you've
got his form and temper.
Dionysus
Hey! porter, porter!
Aeacus
Who is it?
Dionysus
Heracles the mighty.
Aeacus
O impious, daring, and most shameless wretch, O villain, double villain,
and arch-villain, It was you who came before, and stole my dog,
Poor Cerberus! you gagged and seized him, And then ran off--I was guarding
him! but now we've got you, Thus the black-hearted Stygian rock and
the crag of Acheron dripping with gore can hold you; and the circling hounds
of Cocytus and Echidna with her hundred heads shall tear your entrails;
your lungs will be attacked by the Tartesian Eel, your kidneys bleeding
with your very entrails the Tithrasian Gorgons will rip apart. To them
I will direct my hasty foot.
Xanthias
Hey, what'd you do?
Dionysus
I shit myself. Call the god.
Xanthias
Ridiculous! Quick, get up, before some stranger sees you!
Dionysus
But I feel faint Bring me the sponge, and place it near my heart.
Xanthias
Here.
Dionysus
Please apply it.
Xanthias
Where? O golden Gods! Is that where you have your heart?
Dionysus
It was terrified, and crept into my bowels down below.
Xanthias
Of Gods and men you surely are the biggest coward.
Dionysus
Who, me? A coward? how so? Didn't I ask you for the sponge? Another
man would not have acted thus.
Xanthias
What would he do?
Dionysus
A coward would have lain down flat, and smelt unpleasant--I stood upright
and wiped myself besides.
Xanthias
A manly act, by Poseidon.
Dionysus
God, I think so. But weren't you scared of that rumble of words and threats?
Xanthias
God no! I didn't even notice.
Dionysus
Well now, since you're so brave and heroic, you be me, and take my club
and lion skin, if you've got fearless guts. And I will be the porter in
your place.
Xanthias
Give me that stuff quick; I cannot but obey. Now look upon the Xanthian
Heracles, And see if I will be a coward and lose heart like you.
Dionysus
Oh no, you'll be a regular whipping-boy of Melite, Let's go, I'll take
up the pack here. [503]
Enter female servant of Persephone.
Servant
O dearest Heracles, you've returned! Come right in. When the goddess heard
you'd arrived, right off she had us bake loaves of bread, and boil two
or three pots of ground pea soup; and roast a whole ox; bake cakes and
cookies; do come in.
Xanthias
Fine, I'm much obliged, but...
Servant
By Apollo, I will not let you go away, since she's also stewing up some
flesh of fowls, and cooked desserts, and mixed her sweetest wine.
So please come in.
Xanthias
Very nice, but...
Servant
You're kidding. I won't let go of you. There's also a flute-girl for you
inside, a beauty, and other dancing girls some two or three.
Xanthias
What'd you say? dancing girls?
Servant
Ripe to bursting and freshly plucked. Come inside, since the cook was just
about to take off the fillets, and the table's coming in.
Xanthias
Go on, and first tell the dancing girls who are inside that I myself am
coming in: Follow, slave, and bring my baggage.
Dionysus
You, stop! You're not really serious, since I dressed you up as Heracles
for a joke. Stop fooling around, Xanthias; Pick the bags back up and bring
them along.
Xanthias
What? surely you don't intend to take away from me what you gave me yourself.
Dionysus
No maybes, I'm doing it. Take off the hide.
Xanthias
I'll sue you! and entrust my case to the gods.
Dionysus
Which gods? To expect that you--isn't it vain and foolish? that you, a
slave and mortal, could be Alcmena's son?
Xanthias
Well, never mind, fine; take them, but maybe soon you'll need me, if god
so wills. [534]
They change again.
Chorus
This is the mark of a man who's got wit and brains and has sailed around
the block a few times: to roll himself over to the prospering side
rather than stand like a graven image, taking a single position. But
to change for the softer is the mark of a clever man, a true Theramenes.
Dionysus
Wouldn't this be a laugh, if Xanthias, my slave, upturned on Milesian blankets,
kissing his dancing girl, asked me for a chamber pot, and I, looking right
at him, grabbed his cucumber, and he, being a bully himself,
saw me, and socked me on the jaw with his fist, knocking out my front row
teeth.
Enter Landladies, Pandokeutria and Plathane.
Pandokeutria
Plathane, Plathane, come here! Here's the villain that once came to our
inn And ate up sixteen loaves. [549]
Plathane
By Zeus, That's the very one.
Xanthias
Trouble's here for somebody.
Pandokeutria
And twenty boiled beeves, on top of that, at half a buck apiece.
Xanthias
Some one will catch it now.
Pandokeutria
Lots of garlic, too.
Dionysus
Surely you jest, good woman; You don't know what you're saying.
Pandokeutria
What! Did you think that, because you're wearing those booties, I wouldn't
recognise you?
Plathane
What else? I've not yet mentioned the pickled fish, oh no, and the new
cheese, the wretch, that he devoured baskets and all.
Pandokeutria
Then, when I figured out the price, He looked straight in my face, and
bellowed fierce.
Xanthias
That's his doing all right, it's his manner everywhere.
Pandokeutria
Then he drew his sword, and seemed insane.
Plathane
He did! poor woman!
Pandokeutria
We both were terrified, We ran up to the loft at once; but he took off--after
grabbing our rugs.
Xanthias
That's his way as well--
Plathane
But we should take some action.
Pandokeutria
Go on and call my patron Cleon.
Plathane
And if you meet Hyperbolus, summon him for me so we can rub this guy out.
Pandokeutria
Detested throat! How I'd love to take a rock and smash your molars out,
with which you ate up all my wares.
Plathane
And I could throw you in the deepest pit.
Pandokeutria
And I should like to take a scythe, and slice the throat that swallowed
up my tripe.
Plathane
But I'm going after Cleon, who'll deliver a summons and reel it out of
him today.
Dionysus
Now may I die, but, Xanthias, I do love you.
Xanthias
I know what you're thinking, I know; but stop, not another word. I won't
be Heracles again.
Dionysus
Don't say that, Xanthias.
Xanthias
How could I ever be Alcmene's son, since I'm a slave and mortal too?
Dionysus
I know you're angry, I know, and you've every right to be. Even if you
beat me, I'd never contradict you. But if I ever take anything from you
in time to come, may I be cut off root and branch! May I myself, my wife,
my children perish, and cock-eyed Archedemus, all together!
Xanthias
I accept the oath, and on these terms I'll take them. [590]
Chorus
Now again it's your job, since you've taken the robe, which you had at
the start, again to rejuvenate yourself, and cast an awful
glance, mindful of the god, to whom you liken yourself. But if you're
caught babbling or emit some cowardly sound, you'll have to pick
up the baggage again.
Xanthias
Not bad advice, my friends, And I just happened to think this myself. Since
if there's anything good, he'll try to take this back from me I know full
well. But nonetheless I'll show myself manly of heart and spicy
of look. I think I'll need to, since I hear just now a knock on the door.
[605]
Enter Aeacus.
Aeacus
Quick, bind this dogthief, so he'll pay the penalty. Hurry up!
Dionysus
Trouble's here for somebody.
Xanthias
Go to blazes! Don't come near me!
Aeacus
Oho, you put up a fight? Ditylas, Skeblias, and Pardocas, come here and
fight this guy.
Dionysus
Isn't it awful that this fellow puts up a fight swiping other people's
goods besides?
Aeacus
Just monstrous.
Dionysus
Downright mean and awful.
Xanthias
I swear by God I'm willing to die, if ever I came here before, or stole
anything of yours that's worth a hair.
And I'll do the noble thing by you. Here, take this slave of mine, and
torture him, And if you find that I've done wrong, take me out and kill
me.
Aeacus
How may I torture him?
Xanthias
Every way; tie him to a ladder, hang him, flog him with spikes, flay him,
twist him, pour vinegar up his nose, pile up loads of bricks, everything
else except Don't beat him with a leek or tender onion.
Aeacus
A fair offer! And if I should cripple your boy in the beating, you'll get
compensation.
Xanthias
No, not for me. Just take him away and torture him.
Aeacus
No, I will do it here; so he'll confess before your eyes Quick, you, put
down your pack, and make sure you tell no lies.
Dionysus
I forbid anyone from torturing me, an immortal. Or else you'll have
yourself to blame.
Aeacus
What'd you say?
Dionysus
I say that I am Dionysus, son of Zeus, And this man is my slave.
Aeacus
You hear that?
Xanthias
I do. So much more reason he should be whipped. Because, if he is a god,
he won't feel it.
Dionysus
Well, then, since you too claim to be a god: Why not get hit as many blows
as me?
Xanthias
A fair offer! whichever of us two You first see cry or noticing at all
being beaten, be sure he's not the God.
Aeacus
It's for certain you are an honest fellow,You go for justice. Now strip,
you both.
Xanthias
How will you fairly judge?
Aeacus
Easily;Blow for blow each one.
Xanthias
Good idea.
Aeacus
There!
Xanthias
Watch if you see me flinch.
Aeacus
I already hit you!
Xanthias
You did not.
Aeacus
I guess I didn't.So now I'll go and whack this guy.
Dionysus
Well, when?
Aeacus
Why, I hit you!
Dionysus
Then why didn't I even sneeze?
Aeacus
I don't know. I'll try this one again.
Xanthias
Well, hurry up--wahoo!
Aeacus
What's this wahoo?That didn't hurt, did it?
Xanthias
O no, I just thought Of the Herculean feast at Diomeia.
Aeacus
A holy man--and now I've got to go back here.
Dionysus
O, Whoa!
Aeacus
What is it?
Dionysus
I see some horsemen.
Aeacus
So why are you crying?
Dionysus
Because I smell onions.
Aeacus
Then you don't notice anything?
Dionysus
Don't mind at all.
Aeacus
Well, in that case, I must go back to this one.
Xanthias
Yow!
Aeacus
What is it?
Xanthias
Pull out this thorn.
Aeacus
What's going on? Got to go back here.
Dionysus
Apollo, who hast Delos and Pytho...
Xanthias
He got hurt; didn't you hear?
Dionysus
Not me, it's just that I was recalling a verse of Hipponax.
Xanthias
You're getting nowhere-- hit him in the side.
Aeacus
You're right. Now, stick out that belly!
Dionysus
Poseidon--
Xanthias
Someone got hurt.
Dionysus
--who rules the Aegean headlands and in the gray sea's depths--
Aeacus
I swear by Demeter that I can't discover Which of you is the God: but come
on in. My master himself will soon find out, and Persephone, since
they are gods themselves.
Dionysus
Now you're making sense. I only wish that you had done that before I took
those whacks. [675]
Chorus of Initiates
Muse of the sacred dances, advance and come to enjoy my song, to see the
great throng of people, where wits sit by the thousand more honorable
than Cleophon, on whose babbling lips roars terribly a Thracian swallow
sitting on an alien leaf. She rumbles her sorrowful nightingale's song,
since he will perish even in case of a tie. [686] It is right and just
for our sacred chorus to advise and teach what's good for the city. So
first it seems best to us to equalize the citizens and take away their
fears. And if anyone went astray, tripped by the wrestling moves of Phrynichus,
I say it should be possible for those who slipped up then to plead their
cause and erase their previous mistakes. Because it's disgraceful that
those who fought just once at sea should suddenly be Plataeans and masters
instead of slaves. No, even this I couldn't say wasn't well and good, in
fact, I praise it. It's the only sensible thing you did. But it's also
fair, for people who've fought so much at sea with you, as did their fathers,
people who are related to your race that you let pass their one misfortune,
as they request. But letting up on your anger, you who are wisest in nature,
let's gladly make everyone our kinsman and full-fledged citizens too, who's
ever fought for us at sea. But if we swell up with pride at this, and give
the city airs, especially since we're in the grasp of the waves, in time
to come again we'll get a reputation for stupidity. [706] If I'm a fair
judge of the life and habits of a man who will yet come to grief, not long
will this annoying ape Cleigenes the tiny, the nastiest bathman of all
who rule the ash-mixed polluted soda lye and the Cimolian earth, not long
will he be around. But knowing this he's no pacifist, lest he ever be stripped
while wandering drunk without his staff. Many times it seems to us the
city has done the same thing with the best and the brightest of its citizens
as with the old coinage and the new gold currency. For these, not counterfeit
at all, but the finest it seems of all coins, and the only ones of the
proper stamp, of resounding metal amongst Greeks and foreigners everywhere,
we never use, but the inferior bronze ones instead, minted just yesterday
or the day before with the basest stamp. So too the citizens whom we know
to be noble and virtuous, and righteous and true men of quality and trained
in the palaestra and dancing and music,these we despise, but the brazen
foreigners and redheads worthless sons of worthless fathers, these we use
for everything, these latest parvenus, whom the city before this wouldn't
have lightly used even for random scapegoats. But now, you dimwits, change
your ways, and employ the good ones again. And if you succeed, it's praiseworthy.
But if you stumble, at least you'll hang from a respectable tree-- So wise
men will think, if anything happens to you. [738]
Enter Xanthias and Aeacus
Aeacus
By Zeus our Saviour, a real gentleman is your master.
Xanthias
Of course he's a real gentleman, he only knows how to drink and screw.
Aeacus
But not to beat you then and there when it was proved that you're the slave
but claimed to be the master!
Xanthias
He'd sure regret it.
Aeacus
That's a right slavish thing you did just now, the kind of thing I like
to do myself.
Xanthias
Beg pardon, you like that?
Aeacus
Even more, I'm practically in ecstasy When I curse my master behind his
back.
Xanthias
What about your grumbling, when after getting a good beating you run outside?
Aeacus
I love that too.
Xanthias
And what of meddling?
Aeacus
It's like nothing else I know, by God.
Xanthias
Zeus of Family Ties! And eavesdropping on the masters when they gossip?
Aeacus
It drives me even crazier.
Xanthias
What about blabbing it all to outsiders?
Aeacus
Who, me? God, when I do that, I stain my pants.
Xanthias
Phoebus Apollo! Put your right hand there, Let me kiss you--you kiss me
too, and tell me By Zeus, who is our fellow whipping boy,What's all this
noise inside and shouting and abuse?
Aeacus
That's Euripides and Aeschylus.
Xanthias
Huh?
Aeacus
Big, big trouble's stirring among the dead, and nasty civil war.
Xanthias
For what?
Aeacus
There is a custom established here, in all the great and noble arts that
the best man in his own field of talent gets his meals in the Town Hall,
and the seat next to Pluto...
Xanthias
I get it.
Aeacus
Until someone wiser in the art arrives Than he, and then must he give way.
Xanthias
So why has this disturbed Aeschylus?
Aeacus
He held the chair of tragedy,As the mightiest in that art.
Xanthias
And who does now?
Aeacus
Why, when Euripides came down, he started showing off to the muggers and
the pickpockets, parricides, and burglars, and that's the majority
in Hades--and listening to his speeches pro and con, and twists and turns,
they went crazy and hailed him the wisest. Then he, all excited,
claimed the throne where Aeschylus was sitting.
Xanthias
And wasn't he bombarded?
Aeacus
Lord no, the plebs cried out to have a trial, to see which was the better
dramatist.
Xanthias
The crowd of rascals?
Aeacus
Oh yes, as high as heaven.
Xanthias
Didn't Aeschylus have others to take his side?
Aeacus
The best's a small group, just like here.
Xanthias
And what is Pluto planning to do?
Aeacus
To hold the contest right away, and a trial and test of their skill.
Xanthias
And how is it then that Sophocles didn't claim the throne as well? [788]
Aeacus
Not him, by Zeus, but he kissed Aeschylus When he arrived, and shook his
hand, And yielded the chair to him. Now he intends, so says Cleidemides,
to sit out in reserve. And if Aeschylus wins, he'll stay put; if
not, he said he'd fight against Euripides for the sake of his art.
Xanthias
So this thing will really happen?
Aeacus
Yes, just a little later, and here there'll be an awful commotion. For
poetry will be measured out on scales!
Xanthias
What? They're going to weigh tragedy by the ounce?
Aeacus
And they'll bring out rulers and verbal yardsticks, and flexible frames,
Xanthias
Then they'll be making bricks?
Aeacus
And bevels and wedges. Because Euripides says he'll test the plays word
by word.
Xanthias
I guess Aeschylus is taking it pretty hard.
Aeacus
Well, he lowered his head and cast a bullish glance.
Xanthias
And who's to be the judge?
Aeacus
That was difficult. You'll find a shortage of sophisticated men. Aeschylus
didn't get along with the Athenians--
Xanthias
Maybe he thought most of them were crooks.
Aeacus
And he considered the rest trash for judging the essence of poets: so to
your master they turned, since he has experience in the art. But let's
go in; for when masters are in a hurry, it means trouble for us. [814]
Chorus
Surely the dreadful thunderer will feel wrath within him as he looks at
the rival whetting his babbling tusk. Then his eyes will spin with awful
madness. There will be the helmet-blazing strife of horse-crested phrases;
Axle-splinterings as the chisel-working fellow defends himself against
the horse-galloping utterances of the mind-building man. Bristling the
shaggy-necked mane of his natural-hair crest, Knitting his terrible brow,
bellowing, he will launch bolt-fastened utterances, ripping them apart
board by board with gigantic blast of breath. Then the mouth-worker, tester
of phrases, smooth tongue, unfurling, stirring the reins of envy, dissecting
the utterances, will quibble away the great labor of his lungs. [830]
Euripides
I will never yield the chair, no more advice; For I claim to be this man's
superior in the art.
Dionysus
Why are you silent, Aeschylus? You hear what he says.
Euripides
First he'll put on solemn airs, just as so often he used to pull those
hoaxes in his tragedies.
Dionysus
My good sir, don't talk so high and mighty.
Euripides
I know him well, and have long examined him, creator of crude characters,
stubborn-mouthed, he's got an unbridled, uncontrolled, ungated mouth uncircumlocuitous,
brag-bundle-voiced.
Aeschylus
Is that right, you child of the garden goddess? You call me that, you gossip-gathering
beggar-making son of a rag-stitcher? You'll be sorry for saying that.
Dionysus
Cease, Aeschylus, Don't heat up your innards with wrath so angrily.
Aeschylus
Oh no, not before I thoroughly expose this cripple-creator for the braggart
that he is.
Dionysus
A sheep, a black sheep, boys, bring one out, for a typhoon is fixing
to let loose!
Aeschylus
You collector of Cretan arias bringing unholy wedlocks to our art--
Dionysus
Hold on there, much-distinguished Aeschylus: And you, you rogue Euripides,
get out of the way of this hailstorm, if you are wise, lest with some heady
phrase he crack your skull in anger and spill out your Telephus. And you,
don't get angry, Aeschylus, but gently test and be tested; it's just not
proper for poets to abuse each other like fishwives. But you roar like
an oak on fire. [860]
Euripides
I am prepared, and do not delay, to bite, be bitten first, if that's his
preference, as to the lines and lyrics, the sinews of a tragedy, I swear
by Zeus, by Peleus, and by Aeolus, by MeIeager too, and even more, by Telephus.
Dionysus
And what do you plan to do? Speak, Aeschylus.
Aeschylus
I didn't want to join in battle here; Our combat will not be on equal terms.
Dionysus
How so?
Aeschylus
My Poetry did not die with me, as his has died with him, so he'll have
it to recite. But nonetheless since you prefer, it must be done.
Dionysus
Come now, someone bring incense and fire, So I can pray before the show
of wits to judge this contest most aesthetically. And you, sing a song
to the Muses.
Chorus
Ye Nine virgin daughters of Zeus, blessed Muses, who look down upon the
subtle-speaking clever wits of phrase-forging men, when to strife they
come, debating with fiercely studied, crooked wrestling holds, come to
observe the power of most awesome mouths to provide sayings and sawdust
of words. For now the great contest of skill is getting down to business.
Dionysus
Now, both say a prayer before speaking your verses.
Aeschylus
Demeter, nourisher of my mind, grant that I be worthy of thy mysteries!
Dionysus
Now you too take and offer incense.
Euripides
Fine, but I have other gods I pray to.
Dionysus
Your own private ones, newly minted?
Euripides
Yes, indeed.
Dionysus
Well, pray away to these private Gods.
Euripides
O air, my sustenance, and pivot of my tongue, and intelligence, and olfactory
nostrils, may I stoutly refute whatever words I seize! [895]
Chorus
Truly do we desire to hear from these clever men, what warpath of words
you walk on. For their tongue is savage and the temper of both is
not without boldness nor their wits lethargic. It seems likely to expect
that the one will utter something urbane and finely honed, while the other,
pulling up by the root his arguments to attack with, will scatter the many
wallows of words. [905]
Dionysus
Now you must talk as fast as you can, and see that you both speak elegantly,
and no similes or the things someone else might say.
Euripides
Well, of myself and what sort of poet I am, I will tell at the end: but
first I'll prove that this man was an impostor and a cheat, and how he
took the spectators and used to fool the dupes reared with Phrynichos.
First, he'd wrap up and sit down someone or other, An Achilles, or Niobe,
not showing the face, a facade of tragedy, not mumbling so much as
this.
Dionysus
That's right, they didn't.
Euripides
And then the chorus boomed four strings of lyric in a row nonstop: but
they kept quiet.
Dionysus
And l enjoyed their silence; that pleased me no less than the babblers
now.
Euripides
Because you were stupid, no doubt about it.
Dionysus
I think so too. Why did the so-and-so do this?
Euripides
From fraudulence, so the spectator would sit there waiting for when Niobe
would say something. And the play would go on.
Dionysus
Oh what a villain! How I was fooled by him!Why do you stretch and act uncomfortable?
Euripides
Because I'm convicting him. And then after he pulled this cheap trick,
and the play was already half over, he'd speak a dozen bullish words With
eyebrows, crests, some awful witch-faced things, Unknown to the audience.
Aeschylus
Woe is me, alas.
Dionysus
Quiet.
Euripides
Yet not a thing he said was clear--
Dionysus
Don't saw your teeth.
Euripides
But Scamanders, or trenches, or shield-adorning bronze-beaten griffon-eagles
and horse-cliffed phrases, which it was not easy to construe.
Dionysus
Ye gods! As for me, “one night did I pass sleepless all the while,”
wondering what sort of bird the yellow hipporooster was.
Aeschylus
You blockhead, it's a symbol engraved on ships.
Dionysus
I thought it was Eryxis, Philoxenus' son.
Euripides
Then, did you have to create a rooster in tragedy?
Aeschylus
You god-detested wretch! What sort of things did you used to compose? [937]
Euripides
Not hipporoosters, by God, nor goat-stags, like you, which they depict
on Persian tapestries. But when I first received the art from you, she
was swollen from bombast and ponderous diction, at once I slimmed her down
and took off weight with versicles and strolls and laxative roots, giving
a dose of drivel strained from books. Then I nursed it back with monodies--
Dionysus
--mixing in Cephisophon.
Euripides
Then I didn't say whatever nonsense occurred to me, nor knead in what I
fell upon, But the character who came out first would straightway tell
the background of the play.
Dionysus
Better than your own, by Zeus.
Euripides
Then from the opening words I permitted nothing idle; my woman spoke, as
did the slave as well, Or master, maiden, or old woman.
Aeschylus
Then really shouldn't you be put to death for daring this?
Euripides
No, by Apollo, For this was a democratic thing I did.
Dionysus
Let it go, sir, It's not best for you to digress on that point.
Euripides
Then, I taught these folks to speak up...
Aeschylus
I'll say, I wish before that lesson you had split down the middle.
Euripides
...And the introduction of subtle rules and squared-off words, to
think, to see, to understand, to love to twist, to connive, to suspect
the worst, to overthink all things...
Aeschylus
I'll say.
Euripides
...Introducing domestic matters which we're used to and understand,
on which I could be tested. For these folks are knowledgeable, and
could have criticized my art. But I didn't toss off boasts, drawing them
away from common sense, and I didn't scare them, creating Cycnuses
and Memnons of the bell-cheeked steeds. You'll recognize the disciples
of both this fellow and myself: His are Phormisios and manic MeganeitosSons
of long-beard lancers, pine-tree flesh rippers, but mine are Cleitophon
and Theramenes the dandy.
Dionysus
Theramenes? A clever fellow, an all-round wonder; If he runs into
trouble and happens to be close by He's thrown clear of the trouble,
no Chian but a Kian. [971]
Euripides
Well, to ponder such things, I instructed these folks here, putting logic
in my art and scrutiny, so now they notice everything and know through
and through most especially how to run the household better than before,
and they inquire, “How's this doing? Where's this? Who took that?”
Dionysus
Yes, by gods! In fact, now every single Athenian goes inside and yells
to his servants and asks, “Where's my pot? Who's eaten off the
head of my sardine; My bowl of yesteryear--has it perished? Where is yesterday's
garlic? Who nibbled at the olive?” Before now the biggest dummies gaping
mamma's boys would just sit like blockheads. [992]
Chorus.
See'st thou this, shining Achilles? Come now, what will you say to
that? Just be sure that your temper doesn't get hold of you and carry
you out of bounds. But come, O noble one, Do not contradict him in anger,
but reef in your sails, use only the tips, then little by little you'll
bring her to and watch out for when you may catch a calmed and gentle breeze.
[1004]
Dionysus
Oh, you who first of the Greeks built solemn phrases and decorated tragic
nonsense, take heart and let loose your spout.
Aeschylus
I am indignant at this encounter, and it gripes my guts, if I have to argue
against this fellow--but so that he can't say I was helpless,-- Answer
me, why should one admire a poet?
Euripides
For cleverness, and giving good advice, since we improve the people in
the cities.
Aeschylus
So if you haven't done this, but turned them from fine and decent types
into villains, what will you say you deserve to suffer?
Dionysus
Death: don't ask him.
Aeschylus
Consider now what kind of men he first received from me if they were generous
and six feet tall, no runaway citizens, no loafers, rascals, like now,
nor miscreants, but men who breathed spears and lances, white-crested helmets,
and headgear, and greaves and sevenfold oxhide tempers.
Dionysus
This is really getting bad: he'll crush me with his helmet-making.
Euripides
And what did you do to teach men to be so noble?
Dionysus
Speak, Aeschylus; don't be a stubborn highfalutin' sorehead.
Aeschylus
I composed a drama filled with Mars.
Dionysus
Which one?
Aeschylus
The Seven against Thebes. Everyone who saw it fell in love with being fierce.
Dionysus
That was a bad thing you did, since you made the Thebans more courageous
in war. For that at least get whacked.
Aeschylus
You could have trained for this as well, but you weren't so inclined. Then,
producing The Persians after that, I taught them to yearn to beat the enemy;
this finest feat did I honor.
Dionysus
Well, I rejoiced when you lamented for the death of Darius, and the chorus
straightway clapped their hands like this and said, “Ee-ow!”
Aeschylus
This is the stuff poets should work on. Just look right from the start
how useful the noble race of poets has been. For Orpheus taught us rites
and to refrain from killing, And Musaeus taught the cures of illness and
oracles, and Hesiod the working of the land, harvest seasons, plowing.
Divine Homer, Where did he get honor and glory if not from teaching useful
things, battle lines, courageous deeds, men's armory?
Dionysus
But I bet he didn't teach Pantacles, that clumsy oaf. The other day, when
he was parading, He fastened his helmet on first and then was going to
tie on the crest!
Aeschylus
And many other brave men too, of which the hero Lamachos was one; from
Homer, my brain composed many great feats of valor, of Patrocluses, lion-hearted
Teucrians, so I could rouse the citizenry to strive to equal them, when
it hears the call to arms. But by God, I never created whores like Phaedra
and Sthenoboea No one's ever known me to write about any woman in
love. [1045]
Euripides
No sir, you've got nothing to do with Aphrodite.
Aeschylus
And may she stay away! But she settled down on you and yours in force,
and destroyed your very self.
Dionysus
By God, that she did. What you used to do to other mens's wives, you got
hit with yourself.
Euripides
And how have my Stheneboeas harmed the state, you wretch?
Aeschylus
Since you persuaded noble ladies, wives of noble men to drink hemlock
out of shame because of people like that Bellerophon of yours.
Euripides
So did I make up some non-existent story about Phaedra?
Aeschylus
No, it existed. But a poet should conceal wickedness, not bring it forward
and teach it. For little boys have a teacher who advises them, and grown-ups
have poets. We have a serious obligation to speak of honorable things.
Euripides
So, if you speak to us of Lycabettuses and the heights of Parnassuses,
this is “teaching honorable things”, when a poet ought to speak in
human terms?
Aeschylus
You fiend! It is the compelling power of great thoughts and ideas to engender
phrases of equal size. And anyway it is proper that demigods speak in grander
terms. For they also wear much finer clothes. What I so nobly exhibited
you defiled.
Euripides
What did I do?
Aeschylus
First you dressed the kingly types in rags, so they'd look pitiful to the
audience.
Euripides
And what harm did I do by that?
Aeschylus
Because of that, no wealthy man was willing to fund the navy, but wrapped
in rags he weeps and claims he's poor.
Dionysus
By Demeter, yes, but wearing a tunic of pure wool underneath!And if he
fooled 'em with that story, he'd pop up in the fish market.
Aeschylus
Then again, you taught them to practice drivel and gossip, which emptied
the gymnasia and ruined the butts of our prattling youths, and persuaded
the Paralian crews to argue with their officers. But when I was alive,
they knew nothing but to call for grits and sing Yo-ho!
Dionysus
Yessir, and fart in the face of their rowing mate, dump on their mess partner,
go ashore and rob someone.
But now he argues and doesn't row, and sails to and fro. [1078]
Aeschylus
Of what crimes is he not guilty? Didn't he show pimps, women giving
birth in temples, sleeping with their brothers, claiming that life
is not life? And then our state is filled with these bureaucrats and oafish
democratic apes always cheating the people, and there's no one able to
carry the torch any more because of lack of training.
Dionysus
No sir, not any more! So that I laughed myself dry at the Panathenaic games,
when some slow guy ran, hunched over, pale, drunk, left behind and doing
miserably. And then the folks of the Ceramicus at the gates hit his stomach,
ribs, sides, butt, and he, getting whacked with their hands, broke wind,
blew out the torch and ran away. [1099]
Chorus
Great the event, abundant the strife, grand the war that advances. So it's
hard work to choose when one strains violently, while the other can twist
around and bear down sharply. But don't just sit where you are. For the
attacks of wit are many and varied. So for what you have to quarrel
over, speak out, lay on, beat up, the old stuff and the new,
and dare to say something subtle and smart. But if you're both afraid that
our spectators lack a certain amount of knowledge, so as not to appreciate
the fine points of what you say, don't worry about that, since that is
no longer the case. For they are seasoned veterans and each one has a book
and understands the clever stuff. Their minds are superior anyway, but
now they're really sharpened. So fear not, but scrutinize every topic,
for the audience's sake at least, since they're so sophisticated.
Euripides
All right then, I'll turn to your prologues themselves, so that first of
all I can test the first section of this clever poet's tragedy. For he
was unclear in the explanation of events.
Dionysus
Which one of his will you test?
Euripides
Quite a lot. First, recite to me the start of the Oresteia.
Dionysus
Now silence, every one! Speak, Aeschylus.
Aeschylus
“Subterranean Hermes, guardian of my father's realms, Become my savior
and my ally, in answer to my prayer. For I am come and do return to this
my land.”
Dionysus
Do you have something to criticize in this?
Euripides
More than a dozen.
Dionysus
But the whole thing wasn't more than three lines.
Euripides
And each one has twenty mistakes.
Dionysus
I warn you to keep quiet, Aeschylus--if not, on top of these three verses
you'll wind up owing more.
Aeschylus
ME be quiet for HIM?
Dionysus
If you take my advice.
Euripides
Right off he made mistakes as high as heaven.
Aeschylus
You see that you're ranting!
Euripides
Doesn't bother me in the least.
Aeschylus
What mistakes do you claim I make?
Euripides
Repeat it from the start one more time.
Aeschylus
“Subterranean Hermes, guardian of my father's realms,”--
Euripides
Doesn't Orestes say this at the grave. Of his dead father?
Aeschylus
I grant that much.
Euripides
Well, seeing that his father died a death of violence, slain by a woman's
hand, in a secret plot, how can he say that Hermes guarded anything?
Dionysus
Not that one, but the Luck-Bringer
Hermes he called “Subterranean”, and he made it clear by
saying that he has this function from his father.
Euripides
You made an even bigger mistake than I imagined. For if he has this underground
junction from his father--
Dionysus
Then he'd be a grave robber on his father's side.
Aeschylus
Dionysus, the wine you drink doesn't smell too good.
Dionysus
Recite another for him. And you watch out for damage.
Aeschylus
“Become my savior and my ally, in answer to my prayer. For I am come
and do return to this my land.”
Euripides
Sage Aeschylus has said the same thing twice.
Dionysus
How twice?
Euripides
Look at his words and I'll tell you. “I am come to this my land”, he
says, “and do return.” To come is the same thing as to return. [1158]
Dionysus
Right! just as if a man said to his neighbour, Lend me a dish, and, if
you please, a saucer.
Aeschylus
That's not so at all, you blabbermouth, It's not the same, but uses the
best choice of words.
Euripides
How so? Show me what you're talking about.
Aeschylus
To come to a land is for someone who owns a fatherland. An exile
both arrives and does return.
Dionysus
Well done, by Apollo ! What do you say, Euripides?
Euripides
I deny Orestes returned home , For he came secretly, without permission
of the authorities.
Dionysus
Well done, by Hermes! But I don't know what you mean.
Euripides
Continue now with another.
Dionysus
Yes, do go on, Aeschylus, hurry up. And you look out for something bad.
Aeschylus
“At this tomb-mound do I my sire entreat To hear and listen.”
Euripides
This is another thing he repeats. “To hear and listen” are clearly
the same thing.
Dionysus
Because he was speaking to the dead, you idiot, whom we don't even reach
with the triple lament.
Aeschylus
Well, how did you make prologues?
Euripides
I'll tell you. And if I ever I say the same word twice, or if you see padding
in there irrelevant to the plot, spit on me.
Dionysus
Speak, come on. For I cannot but hear the correctness of your prologue's
diction.
Euripides
“At first was Oedipus a prosperous man.”
Aeschylus
Good Lord, not at all; he was ill-starred by nature. Before his birth Apollo
said that he would kill his father, even before he was begotten!
How could he at first have been a lucky man?
Euripides
“Then he became in turn the wretchedest of mortals.”
Aeschylus
No, not at all; he never ceased to be. How's that? Since as soon as he
was born, they exposed him in a broken pot at wintertime, so he wouldn't
grow up to be his father's murderer. Then he dragged himself to Polybus
on swollen feet, after that he married an old woman, though young himself,
and on top of that she was his own mother. Then he blinded himself.
Dionysus
So he was happy then, at least if he had campaigned with Erasinides.
Euripides
You're fooling; I craft my prologues beautifully.
Aeschylus
Oh really? Well, by Zeus, not word by word will I grate each phrase of
yours, but with the Gods' help, I'll demolish your prologues with a little
oil flask.
Euripides
My prologues with an oil flask?
Aeschylus
A single one. For you compose in such a way that everything fits in, a
little fleece, a little oil flask and little bag, in your iambics.
I'll prove it here and now.
Euripides
Look here! You'll prove it?
Aeschylus
I say so.
Dionysus
Well, then, you've got to speak. [1206]
Euripides
“Aegyptus, so the widespread rumor runs, With fifty children in a long-oared
boat, Landing near Argos”--
Aeschylus
Lost his little oil flask!
Dionysus
What was this “oil flask”? You'll be sorry! Recite for him another
prologue, so I can see once more.
Euripides
“Dionysus, who with thyrsus wands and fawnskins bedecked amidst the pines
on Mt. Parnassus bounds dancing...”
Aeschylus
Lost his little oil flask!
Dionysus
Again stricken by that flask!
Euripides
It won't be a problem. For to this prologue he won't be able to attach
that flask. “No man exists, who's altogether blest, Either
nobly sired he has no livelihood Or else base-born he ...”
Aeschylus
Lost his little oil flask!
Dionysus
Euripides!
Euripides
What is it?
Dionysus
I think you should pull in your sails; that oil flask is going to blow
up quite a storm.
Euripides
By Demeter, I wouldn't think of it. For this one here will knock it away
from him.
Dionysus
Go on and recite another then, but keep away from the flask!
Euripides
“Abandoning the town of Sidon, Cadmus, Agenor's son,...”
Aeschylus
Lost his little oil flask!
Dionysus
My fine fellow, buy the flask; so he can't smash our prologues.
Euripides
What! I should buy it from him?
Dionysus
If you take my advice.
Euripides
Oh no; for I have many prologues to recite, Where he can't tack on a flask.
“To Pisa Pelops, son of Tantalus, Borne on swift coursers”--
Aeschylus
Lost his little oil flask!
Dionysus
You see, he stuck on the flask again. But, dear sir, pay him now by all
means. You'll get it for an obol, nice and neat.
Euripides
Not yet, by Zeus; I still have plenty left. “From the land once Oeneus”--
Aeschylus
Lost his little oil flask!
Euripides
Let me say the whole line first! “From the land once Oeneus reaped a
plenteous crop, The first fruits offering”--
Aeschylus
Lost his little oil flask!
Dionysus
In the midst of sacrificing? Who swiped it?
Euripides
Leave it be, sir, just let him speak to this-- “Zeus, as once was spoke
in very truth”--
Dionysus
You'll get killed, for he'll say “Lost his little oil flask!” This
oil flask, it grows on your prologues like warts on the eyes.
For God's sake turn to his lyrics.
Euripides
All right; I have ways to show how bad a songwriter he is and always
makes them just the same. [1251]
Chorus
Whatever will happen now? I can only imagine what complaints he will make
against the man who wrote by far the most and finest songs up to now. (I
wonder how he'll criticize this man the Dionysiac lord And I fear
for him.)
Euripides
Quite marvelous songs, as this will soon make clear. For I'll condense
all his songs into one point.
Dionysus
Well then, I'll grab some pebbles and keep score.
Euripides
“O Phthian Achilles, if you hear the manslaughtering crash, ah,
why do you not come to our aid? To Hermes we, the ancestral race, pay homage
by the lake, crash, ah, why do you not come to our aid?
Dionysus
That's two crashes for you, Aeschylus.
Euripides
“Most glorious of the Achaeans, far-ruling son of Atreus, learn of me,
crash, ah, why do you not come to our aid?”
Dionysus
This is your third crash, Aeschylus.
Euripides
Be still. The Bee-nuns draw near to open the temple of Artemis. Crash,
ah, why do you not come to our aid? I am charged with uttering the heroes'
fateful command of the journey, crash, ah, why do you not come to our aid?
Dionysus
King Zeus, what a load of crashes! I for one want to go to the bathhouse,
For my kidneys are swollen with all this crashing.
Euripides
Don't, before you hear another set of odes assembled from his melodies
for the lyre.
Dionysus
Go on, continue, but leave out the crash.
Euripides
“How the twin-throned power of the Achaeans, of Grecian youth, Tophlattothrattoplilattothrat,
sends the sphinx, unlucky presiding dog,
Tophlattothrattophlattothrat, The swooping bird with spear and avenging
hand Tophlattothrattophlattothrat, Granting to the headlong sky-flying
dogs to meet Tophlattothrattophlattothrat, The united force against Ajax
Tophlattothrattophlattothrat, [1296]
Dionysus
What is this phlattothrat? Is it from Marathon, or where did you assemble
these songs of a rope-twister?
Aeschylus
Well, to a fine place from a fine place did I bring them, lest I be seen
garnering from the same meadow as Phrynichos. But this guy gets them from
everywhere, from little whores, Meletus' drinking songs, Carian flute solos,
Dirges, dances. This will all be made clear immediately. Someone bring
in a lyre. And yet, what need of a lyre for this guy? Where's the girl
who clacks the castanets? Hither, Muse of Euripides, for whom these songs
are appropriate to sing.
Dionysus
This Muse never did the Lesbian thing, oh no.. [1309]
Aeschylus
“Halcyon kingfishers, who by the sea's everflowing waves do chatter,
moistening the surface of your wings with damp drops bedewing and ye spiders
who in the corners under the roof wi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yind with your fingers
loom-stretched threads the cares of the shuttle bard, where the flute-loving
dolphin was leaping by the blue-peaked prows oracles and stades.
Wine-blooming joy of the vine painkilling spiral of grapes, cast your arms
about me, child. ....You see this foot?
Dionysus
I see it.
Aeschylus
Well, do you see this one?
Dionysus
I see it.
Aeschylus
Well, you write this sort of thin and dare to criticize my lyrics, you
composer in the twelve tone style of Cyrene? So much for his songs. I still
want to scrutinize the manner of his melodies. Oh dark-shining night's
gloom, what woeful dream do you send to me, from unseen Hades' vestibules,
possessing a soulless soul, child of black night, hair-raising horrible
sight, black-corpse-shrouded, murder, murder envisioning, with long fingernails?
Now servants, light my lamp Draw moisture in pitchers from the rivers,
and heat water, that I might wash away the divine dream. O Marine
Spirit, So that's it. O Housemates, Behold these portents! Snatching my
rooster Glyce has fled. Mountain-born Nymphs, O Mania, help!But I,
the wretched one happened to be performing my tasks, the spindle full of
thread wi-yi-yinding in my hands making a skein, so that at dawn to the
market I could bring it to sell. But it has flown away, flown away into
the air on the nimblest tips of its wings but to me it left woes, woes,
and tears, tears from my eyes I shed, shed, oh wretched me! Now O Cretans,
sons of Ida,take your bows and come to the rescue bestir your limbs and
circle the house. And also may Child Dictynna, Artemis the fair, bring
her doggies and come to my house by all means. And you, daughter of Zeus,
upholding twin torches most piercing in your hands, Hecate, shine me towards
Glyce's so I can go in and catch her in the act.
Dionysus
Stop with the songs already.
Aeschylus
I've had enough, too. For now I want to bring him to the scale which alone
will put our poetry to the test. For it will prove the weight of our phrases.
Dionysus
Then come here, if I really have to do this, to deal with poets just like
selling cheese. [1370]
Chorus
Painstaking are the men of wit, For once again here's another marvel,
brand new, full of the unusual,who else could have thought it up? Oh my,
I'd never, not if anybody I ran into told me, have believed it, but I would
have thought he was talking nonsense. [1378]
Dionysus
Come on and stand beside the balance pans.
Aeschylus and Euripides
Here we are!
Dionysus
Now, each of you grab hold and speak a verse, and don't let go till
I yell “Cuckoo!”
Euripides and Aeschylus
We're holding on.
Dionysus
Now recite the line into the scales.
Euripides
“Would that the Argive bark had never winged...”
Aeschylus
“Stream of Spercheius, haunts of grazing kine...”
Dionysus
Cuckoo! It's released. And much further down goes this man's side.
Euripides How? Why?
Dionysus
Because he introduced a stream; like fabric salesmen he made his
verse wet just like the wool. But you put in a winged word.
Euripides
Well, let him say something else and match me.
Dionysus
Grab hold again.
Aeschylus and Euripides
All set.
Dionysus
Speak!
Euripides
“Persuasion has no other shrine save speech.”
Aeschylus
“Death is the only God that loves not bribes...”
Dionysus
Let go, let go! This one's is tilting once again.For he inserted Death,
weightiest of ills.
Euripides
And I Persuasion, a saying beautifully expressed.
Dionysus
Persuasion is but light, and makes no sense. But this time find some other
ponderous line that will pull down on your side, something high and mighty.
Euripides
Tell me, where oh where do I have something like that?
Dionysus
I'll tell you.
Dionysus
“Achilles threw snake eyes and a four”-- Please speak, since this is
your last weigh-in.
Euripides
“Heavy with iron was the club his right hand seized.”
Aeschylus
“Chariot on chariot, corpse on corpse.”
Dionysus
He fooled you again this time.
Euripides
In what way?
Dionysus
Two chariots and two corpses he put in, which not even a hundred Egyptians
could ever lift.
Aeschylus
No more word by word for me; into the scales himself, his kids, the wife,
Cephisophon, let him step in and sit down, taking all his books.
I'll only speak two verses of mine...
Dionysus
They are my friends, and I won't judge them.For I will not be on hostile
terms with either one. One I consider clever, the other I enjoy. [1414]
Pluto
Then will you accomplish nothing of what you came for?
Dionysus
But if I choose the other one?
Pluto
Take whichever one you choose, And go; so that you won't have come
in vain.
Dionysus
Bless you! Come, listen to this. I came down here for a poet. For what
purpose?So that the city might be saved to stage its choruses. So whichever
of you will give the state some useful advice, that's the one I think I'll
take. Now first, concerning Alcibiades, what opinion does each of you have?
For the city is in heavy labor.
Euripides
What opinion does she have concerning him?
Dionysus
What opinion? She longs for him, but hates him, and yet she wants him back.
But tell me what you two think about him.
Euripides
I hate that citizen, who, to help his fatherland, seems slow, but swift
to do great harm, of profit to himself, but useless to the state.
Dionysus
Well said, by Poseidon! What's your opinion?
Aeschylus
You should not rear a lion cub in the city, [best not to rear a lion in
the city,] but if one is brought up, accommodate its ways.
Dionysus
By Zeus the Savior, I can't decide. For one has spoken cleverly, and
the other one clearly. Now each of you once more tell me your opinion
about the state, what plan you have to save her.
Euripides
If you feathered Cleocritus with Cinesias, the breezes would lift them
over the ocean's plane.
Dionysus
That would be funny, but what does it mean?
Euripides
If there were a sea battle, and then they had bottles of vinegar, they
could squirt them in the enemies' eyes. I do know and wish to tell.
Dionysus
Speak.
Euripides
When we what faithless is do faithful hold And what is faithful faithless...
Dionysus
How's that? I don't understand.Speak with less erudition and more clarity.
Euripides
If we distrusted those citizens in whom We now place confidence, and employed
those we don't use now, we would be saved. If we now are suffering under
the present circumstances, why wouldn't we be saved by doing the opposite?
Dionysus
Well done, Palamedes, you cleverest creature! Did you discover this yourself,
or did Cephisophon?
Euripides
Just me; but Cephison added the vinegar bottles. And what about you? What
do you say?
Aeschylus
As to the state, now tell me, first, what people does she employ?
The good ones, perhaps?
Dionysus
Where'd you get that idea?She hates them worst of all--
Aeschylus
But loves the scoundrels?
Dionysus
No, she really doesn't. She uses them perforce.
Aeschylus
How could anyone save such a city, that likes neither finespun wool nor
scratchy goatskin? [1460]
Dionysus
Find something, by Zeus, if you're going to rise up again.
Aeschylus
There I would speak, but here I do not wish.
Dionysus
Don't say that, but send up some good advice from here.
Aeschylus
When they consider the land of the enemy to be their own, and their own
the enemy's, their ships a revenue, and their revenue a loss.
Dionysus
Right, except the juries guzzle it by themselves.
Pluto
Please decide.
Dionysus
This will be my decision for them: I'll choose the one my soul desires.
Euripides
Remember now the Gods by whom you swore to take me home, and choose your
friends.
Dionysus
My tongue did swear, but Aeschylus I choose.
Euripides
What have you done, filthiest of men?
Dionysus
Who, me? I decided that Aeschylus wins. Why not?
Euripides
You did this foulest deed, and look me in the face?
Dionysus
What's foul, if the audience thinks not so?
Euripides
You brute, will you neglect me now I'm dead?
Dionysus
Who knows if to live is not to die? To breathe to dine, and sleep a rug?
Pluto
Step inside then, Dionysus.
Dionysus
What for?
Pluto
So I may feast you two before you sail off.
Dionysus
Good idea! By god, I'm not averse to that
Chorus
Blessed is the man having perfected intelligence. One can learn this in
many ways. For this man of proven good sense will go back home again for
the good of his citizens, for the good of his own relatives and friends,
on account of being intelligent. So it is refined not by Socrates to sit
and chatter casting aside the pursuits of the Muses and neglecting what's
most important in the art of tragedy. But to spend time idly in pompous
words and frivolous word-scraping is the act of a man going crazy. [1500]
Pluto
Well then, farewell, Aeschylus, go and save our city with noble sentiments,
and educate the dunces. There's plenty of them. And take this sword and
give it to Cleophon, and this rope to the tax collectors Myrmex and Nicomachus
and this hemlock to Archenomus. And tell them to come to me here quickly
and not to delay. And if they don't come quickly, by Apollo I'll brand
and hobble them and with Adeimantus son of Leucolophus I'll send them quickly
under the ground.
Aeschylus
I'll do it. But you hand over my throne to Sophocles to guard and preserve,
if I ever come here again. For him I judge to be second in talent. And
remember that that villainous fellow, that liar, that clown will never
sit on my throne not even by accident.
Pluto
Shine now for him your sacred torches, and escort him, extolling him with
his songs and dances. [1528]
Chorus
First grant bon voyage to the departing poet as he rises to the light,
ye spirits under the earth, and grant to the city good ideas for great
gains. For we would then cease completely from these great woes and dire
clashes in arms. But let Cleophon and anyone else who wants to, fight
in their ancestral fields